Friday, April 10, 2009

BF.....M

Last night I said the positive attitude crap was BS because either I am or I ain't. Apparently there is this thing in the middle of black and white called gray. Also known as a big fat maybe. This WHOLE entire process I have fallen into whatever the smallest percentage category of whatever the statistic is that's being measured. Only 10% need a laminaria. (Hi, that's me.) Only a possibility of getting 3 eggs retrieved. (Uh-um...I got 6 thank you very much.) Very likely chance I will not have anything to transfer, maybe 10%. (That's ok, I'll take it. In fact, I'll take 2! Does that mean I moved up to the 20% tier?) Having something to freeze was never even up for discussion. (Ok, I give there.)

And so, on beta day I have a whopping 8.36 Hcg. Technically positive by my clinic's standards (below 2 is negative), but more likely in the realm of a chemical pregnancy. I thought I'd be way more hysterical. I mean yeah, I'm WAY disappointed. But the weirdness of it all is I still have those little pangs and twinges and crampy things which means I've either got a fighter, or I'm having kittens. (Laugh with me please...) Surprisingly, the poker faces at my clinic showed genuine signs of optimism....something I tried unsuccessfully to rip a hole in. The other side of this f-d up coin is that I have proven several things. I have eggs that can be fertilized and go to blast. Mr. W's still got some mojo. And it's possible for something to hang on inside even if it's not forever. Lots of things learned. And to EB at IVF 40+, I really do feel your pain.

6 comments:

  1. Ah Honey. WTF. I am so sorry you are stuck in beta limbo I promise you two things - we are owed so much frkkin karma that we could tap dance in a mirror shop and still have good luck in the bank.

    And secondly - your strength, wisdom, humour and kindness have been a rock to me. Thank you.

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  2. Gah! Oh, IVF 40+ says it all so well-- I am so sorry that it is ambiguous, but you're right, it is also a sign of good things-- eggs, sperm, blasts, transfer and enough umph to make a little hcg. Also, who the heck knows when these things really implant. I know you are in an awful place of neither quite here nor quite there, but I am pulling for you, rooting for you, hoping for you. And yes, you are owed one shit load of karma.

    Hang in there as best you can. Warmly, Kate (and thanks again for the sweet award, that made my heart sing)

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  3. K, I am so sorry that you are going through this and still waiting to know for sure what is going on. When are you having another beta? I am thinking good thoughts for you.

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  4. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. Sorry you are in limbo (Beta hell)

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  5. Grey. Ichhh. I am so sorry. Good for you for hanging on to your humor and your hope (sometimes it feels like that's all we have left!). I am sending you climbing beta number vibes. Take care of yourself.

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  6. Sending good thoughts to you. I hope your next beta shows some more progress.

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