Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

Yes, I have heard. Loud and clear. Not just from all of you (thank you, BTW) but from my own sorry self. Today is my first full TCM-diet-gross-drink-mix free day. And, I am feeling much better already, although I am easing back into regular consumption. Already I feel the joint aches lessening, and the headaches too. Not to mention my oatmeal stayed put after breakfast. was an experiment, I suppose. And Ms. TCM had good intentions. She wants me to be as healthy as I can and she was trying to kick start some weight loss I think. Truth is, on that crap, I couldn't even walk down the stairs in my house, so how the hell am I supposed to be healthier? Mr. W is more than happy to give it the proverbial middle finger. I think we shall enjoy a glass of wine, a bite of cheese, and ceremoniously bid farewell to the pukey powder tonight.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Rice and Research

The TCM diet thingy stinks. I am beyond miserable and I cut out a lot of crap well before I started this, so I'm not buying the caffeine/wine/sugar withdrawals. Been there, done that months ago, thanks. Ms. TCM has me drinking this horrible nasty mix twice a day. It's some poor excuse for a rice-protein-vitamin drink. It's supposed to detoxify my liver. About the best I can do is detoxify my stomach because all I want to do is hurl it up. In any case, I am not feeling great. Horrible headaches, especially at night, and a strange bout with high blood pressure and heart palpitations a few nights ago. And I have incredible joint pain, like what I imagine arthritis to feel like. I stopped taking everything for a day and am gradually adding back the supplements I was on originally. But I think the rice powder and the diet have to go. Ugh.....

Today I called to schedule a consult for my 2nd second opinion. I guess that makes it a third opinion. Mr. W and I are trying to choose which clinic we will grace with our presence next (i.e. throw a bunch of money at). This time, the University clinic got the call. And would you believe they are 2 months out on consults? So I'm back to my investigative work again, if you see me poking around looking for your clinic scoop. (I'm holding out on CC.RM as a last resort.)

BTW, anyone catch the article in the WSJ last week about the lawsuits against bloggers for libel, slander, and copyright violations? Yeah...worth a read.

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Things People Say

And they don't even know it. Standing in a group of colleagues today, I mentioned a particularly long file I've been working on - 9 months to be exact. And then uninformed colleague #1 blurts it out with a perky smile. ".....Just like a pregnancy!"..... I was speechless and then angry. Then incredibly sad and I had to walk away.

Heard a lot of those comments this past week. From people in the know...people who should know better...people who should show a little tact.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

R & R in Hell

As in Rants and Raves. I really should be following Sprogblogger's Days of Grace regime. But instead, I'm going to bitch. And moan. And maybe then bitch some more.

1) I have been saddled with jury today. Yes, it's my civic duty. And yes, I almost always serve. And since they can only call us once every 2 years, I can almost count to the day when I will get called. The courthouse is 30 miles from my home and on a cheery Wednesday morning, that amounts to an hour and a half commute to get there by 8am. I'm self-employed - have been for 10 + years since I gave the corporate timeclock the middle finger. So not only do I hate having to be somewhere early (and fight traffic) but I don't get shit done for work. Breathe......And so there I was in the juror room...the absolute epitome of loserville. I am horrified that any of these people would ever be considered my peers, but ok, I'll do my time. And then the judge says.....Notice all the empty seats around you? We had a hard time getting jurors so most all of you will be called today. (Duh...a major holiday weekend is near and I feel my weekend plans are about to be destroyed).......And a few of you will be randomly selected to go to the circuit court in BFE (where I live and have just driven from). And yeah, I'm one of the random ones. Shocker. Hell, everything I do is random. So, I get to pay my $15 parking bill and haul my ass back to where I came from. All at my expense. And I automatically get another day of jury service (tomorrow) as the prize.

2) Some young blonde driving a car half the size of mine flipped me off this morning and layed on the horn on the freeway on-ramp. Ok, I cut her off, partly on accident, & partly because I could. I'm sure she's done something to deserve it. She's probably fertile.

3) Ms. TCM has me/us starting a new diet thingy. (As if the lack o' wine/chocolate/caffeine is not enough friggin torture.) Anyway the diet requires a special trip to Whole Foods - not just the regular Whole Foods I visit, but the special super duper BIG one, conveniently located near the courthouse. Since I'm there anyway, I decide to at least get my groceries for said hell diet. I have to read every freaking label. No dairy. No wheat, oat, barley, rye or gluten. No corn. No tomato. No peanuts. No sugar. No tofu or soy (too much estrogen, ok I get that one). No meat (except salmon, lamb, buffalo, turkey, & chicken on certain days [WTF? ] and only organic/hormone free....I get that part too.) And then the BEST part. The bill. $333. Of fucqing groceries. For maybe a week. And then I get soaked for another $5 in parking on my way out because although Whole Foods validates, it's only for 2 hours worth of shopping. And yes. It took me 2 1/2 hours to read all the fucqing labels and spend $333.

4) I was conveniently out of Jelly and D.HEA. Would you believe I bought the LAST bottle of each at Whole Foods? Which means there are a hell of a lot of people like me buying this shit. They stock it like milk usually. Where are all of these people? Why can't I meet them? Why aren't some of them my friends IRL?

5) My bank called. My post office box was broken into almost 2 weeks ago and I had placed fraud alerts all over creation, and changed my bank account numbers. Someone claiming to be from XYZ bank where I have a line of credit called my regular bank to inquire about a disputed charge. Fortunately, my otherwise dense personal banker has moments of clarity and thought something was suspicious. Turns out, someone is trying to manipulate my two banks into giving up a refund of some amount to them. Unbelievable. In the mean time I spent 2 hours on the phone talking to both banks, freezing my NEW bank account until we could sort it out (which also froze my debit card at Whole Foods) and generally fucqing up the rest of the day.

6) I don't even want to start with the shit family and friends have pulled lately.

Meinsideout said she can't believe this is her life. God do I feel like that every day. EB says everyone around her is going through hell. We must know the same people. And the Angry Infertile just got the shittiest family crap dumped on her. And that doesn't even count the BFNs, M/Cs and cancels my other bloggy froggies are dealing with. Why is this happening to all of us? Why are we being punished? Haven't we all PAID upside down and sideways, financially and emotionally, spiritually and physically for this scum cloud hanging over us?

Sigh. It's a nice sunny day. I'm done for now. I think I'll go read Sprog's Day of Grace to attempt to refresh thyself. Poor unfortunate soul who gets me as their juror tomorrow. Clearly, I will not be their peer.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


It's not like I'm that surprised. It was an entertaining thought while it lasted, though.
(BTW, if you missed that post, read back a few days.)

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Ear Seeds

Yes, I'm wearing them. Ms. TCM stuck them to my ears yesterday at my appointment. I have 3 on each side and they trigger acupressure points. I can push on them gently through-out the day. Gently is the operative word. Mr. W thought he'd poke them hard and I hauled off and smacked him one when he did! So yes, they hurt when over stimulated.

And yes, we are speaking again but it's tense. And he was moody again after the TCM session. I asked him how the acupuncture went. He said fine. I asked him if he fell asleep. He said no. Busted! Ms. TCM told me he was snoring in the other room. Gosh, this TCM shit must really suck for him.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Jury is Still Out

I survived 8 hours of depositions by 8 different attorneys today. Mr. W only got to watch, and in fact, they decided not to depose him at all. A small (very small) weight has been lifted.

And I almost forgot to notice I am 9dpo and DIY IUI. Jury is still out. No pun intended.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Humble Pie

A lot of the crap and circumstance surrounding the "why we waited so long" mystery is coming to a head. We have been involved in a massive legal battle (going on 4 years now) with trial finally scheduled for later this year. The court appearances, legal fees, attorney meetings, and general stress of the matter has been a key factor in delaying IVF until just recently. Twice last year we were assured an out of court settlement would be reached at mediation. Twice the other party cancelled our mediation only the day before. And so we have muddled along until the last few months, hopelessly trying to let a settlement to the case unburden our IF battles.

Tomorrow Mr. W and I are on the stand for 8 hours worth of depositions. (Part of the reason a May cycle was out of the question anyway.) Our attorney has some confidence that allowing us to be deposed will elicit a settlement from the other party. We are well-spoken, well-documented, and clearly (at this point) persistent. Needless to say, this added pressure spilled a little fuel on the acu-quack fire of late.

And so, Mr. W surprised me with massages for us both at a local spa this evening. It was low-key and took just enough edge off for me to possibly get through this night and the full day tomorrow. And I allowed myself a glass of wine. Oh, and a cupcake after dinner. And although we are not discussing IF issues, he is taking all of his supplements and asked (ok, emailed me) that I order him a 3 month supply of his special herbs. I think of all the IVF cycles we could do if the stress of this case and burden of attorney fees vanished and it makes me sick...and clearly it has.

But tomorrow is progress, I suppose. And today was Mr. W working harder to meet me half way. Thanks Meinsideout for pointing that out. And EB, thank you too for being the research geek that you are.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Acu-quack Time Bomb

Friday was our first two-hour session with the new Chinese medical doctor. My diagnosis was kidney yang deficiency (cold uterus), spleen something, and blood qi imbalance. I have 2 new herbal mixtures to take (they smell like ass), more diet modifications, and acupuncture with acupressure. Mr. W's diagnosis was "damp". He has a custom herbal preparation that is made to order then shipped to us. This is my third acupuncturist and I will say she is heavy on the needles but offers a lot of interesting assessments and she specializes in fertility.

Mr. W survived his first acupuncture session with very little comment in the car on the way home. That should have been my first clue, but I missed it. Instead, I accused him of being uninterested and a bunch of other things. And then all hell blew out of both of us sideways.

Mr. W had made me think he was keeping an open mind all along. The reality is, he thinks it's all hocus pocus and doesn't believe a single dime of the TCM shit. He is pissed "I" am making him give up his day off to see the "acu-quack" as he calls her. Pissed I am spending the money on it and the herbs. And now pissed I am making him take all of these goddamn supplements.

And then I unload a truck load of blame on him. He doesn't care if we have a child or not. I can't even get him to take better care of himself. He's not willing to give anything up to try to make this work. He's oblivious to the fact that we're out of time and options. In fact, he's even planning a vacation during what would be our next planned cycle in August.

His version is that I am consumed with this process. That I can't function normally every day. That I'm depressed. That I'm withholding emotion and affection from him. That I'm reading too many things on the internet. And he's afraid I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if this doesn't work (again) and do I really think the snake oil shit will work? OK, I DON'T FREAKING KNOW....BUT I'M OUT OF OPTIONS. And if he's not interested in proceeding then put me out of misery now and say he's done.

This is the part where I think our fundamental item of disagreement rears its head. I have decided that we will not have any better IVF chances if we don't change something or try something new. Hence the TCM and 3 month wait for improvement. He believes that statistically speaking our odds are better if we barrelled through back to back IVF cycles until something takes. Western medicine at its finest. For starters, my body can't take that. And, our bank account can't continue to take a $15,000 hit every month on top of everything else, for what could be his eternity of statistical hell.

I am so mad I haven't spoken to him for 2 days.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Seriously, Do Not Try This At Home

Sit down and grab a beverage for this one...

My dear Mr. W attended all of my major past IUI and IVF appointments. He was very supportive, and apparently very attentive. So the last couple of weeks we've been doing this diet thingy and supplement zoo and oh... I've been watching the OP kits just to be sure my body is behaving itself. So yesterday morning I get the double line. Obviously, in our case, that gives us about the same odds of winning the lottery or being struck by lightening. But Super Doc has an idea...I kid you not. And so he comes home from work last night with all of the tools (seriously) for a do-it-yourself IUI.

And you're reading this now wondering if I'm a complete nut cluster and can I be totally serious. And the truth is, I am beyond serious. Now I don't want to go into extreme details. Mr. W panicked a bit when I said I was going to blog all day about this. I assured him his identity is completely protected, should the wrong reader try to pull some sort of malpractice shit on him. But I DO want to share some of the juicier stuff. And really.....please do not try this at home.

Let me just clarify that Super Doc's specialty is far from RE. And, in fact, he told me up front it had been years since he did anything that resembled pelvic work. (Uh yeah...I think I knew that.) And let me also say that the last time he used a speculum on me as the victim, he was in medical school and was "studying" during his OB/GYN rotation. I will tell you (but not him) that he was much better at it in medical school.

In any case, armed with the necessary catheters, beta dyne (which stains horribly by the way), a super special sample, and his bicycle headlamp mounted squarely on his head, he seriously and successfully did an IUI for us at home! It did take a little while longer....and he had to be a bit creative, but I will say our DIY IUI only lacked 2 things......the clomid I was on during the previous ones, and whatever the special sample wash is, which Super Doc modified. Oh, and it lacked the fees, the obnoxiously stressful trip to the RE, and all the other shit.

I was amazingly relaxed. In fact, I got the giggles and had to watch the basketball game to distract myself. I realize the odds of this working are next to zero. But honestly, I am thrilled we tried, even though I really thought Super Doc WAS the nut cluster. The best part was I got to go right to sleep afterward. No stress there.

Monday, May 4, 2009

12 Steps

I am such an addict. I am addicted to chocolate, mozzarella di buffala, pasta & prosciutto. (God I love being married to an Italian.) I am also addicted to red velvet cupcakes and red wine. Eliminating one thing from my diet is do-able. Eliminating 5 or 6 really sucks. Eliminating 10 or 15 is fucqing miserable.

So here I am, 2 weeks into this new gig, and I'm gettin a little pissy. I should be feeling better by now and have reduced cravings, but I actually think I am at the peak of misery. I have not gone vegan, but I have gone "mostly" vegetarian. Mostly meaning I'm eating lots of fish, and very rarely a very small, very organic, piece of meat. I've been slurping down the Roya.l Jelly twice daily. It's a habit I've noticed rivals a daily Sta.rbucks mocha in terms of expense. (A habit I cut out 6 years ago.) And then there's the D.HEA. I'm up to 62 mg a day now. Seeing some mild acne and a big ass clump of hair in the shower yesterday. But so far no beards and I don't have the urge to fart and belch in front of the TV. I'm about to add Co.Q10 and the fish oil poppers after I venture to the store later.

Mr. W, bless his heart, is taking 100mg of Pyc.nogenol, and 2 grams of L-Arg.inine. (And generally, he doesn't belch or fart in front of the TV, so I have to be careful in qualifying male traits.) But trying to keep him out of the wine is driving me nuts.

Yesterday was the ultimate challenge for both of us. I have been avoiding our wine cellar, like the plague. In fact, I have avoided that whole part of the house for sometime. However, we have out of town company visiting later this week and boxes of wine shipments have accumulated outside the cellar. (I'm finally stopping some of our auto ships.) I couldn't avoid it anymore. I had to put the shit away because it was IN the way. The cellar holds 4000 bottles. (I said I was an addict. OK, maybe obsessive compulsive too.) Mr. W offered to help (because he didn't want me lifting anything heavy) but secretly I knew he thought he could talk me into opening a bottle. I know, I sound like such a whiner. And I'm spending this whole post talking about it, but it is the like the ultimate maybe the second ultimate struggle. So, despite the available glasses and wine keys everywhere I looked, I resisted. I reminded Mr. W that with company in town soon, it's likely we would each have a glass of wine at some point, and to put back the bottle he had selected to pair with his dinner menu for the night.

Seriously, I'm in recovery. It bites.