Monday, July 27, 2009

Purgatory

Disclaimer: Not intended to offend anyone older than me.

Ordinarily, my birthday is a fun day. The weather is pretty much guaranteed fabulous and one of my BFFs shares the same birthday.

Sigh.

Note the updated profile info on the sidebar.

Another sigh.

I am in birthday purgatory now. Caught between Scylla and Charybdis.

After 35, the IF world casts unfavorable glances your way. At 37, you start losing rights to discount plans, money backs, and shared risks. At 38, you move up a tier in the SA.RT data . At 39...well....you start getting the shoulder shrugs, especially after a failed cycle. You're technically still under 40 so you won't be thrown out the door. (Read the disclaimer.) You won't hear the gasps from the balcony yet. They will happily take your money to try again. Because it could still work, you know. But mentally, you are being pushed into the next column whether you like it or not. (Disclaimer.)

I have only been 39 for 36 hours. But two days ago, I was still 38. Is it possible my eggs crossed the point of no return over a weekend? Of course not. Is it possible they have arrived begrudgingly into a holding tank where their fate will be sealed by a roll of the dice? A flick of the magic wand? A click of the heels? An empty bank account? A lab's soured culture medium?

No Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore.

6 comments:

  1. i felt so much pressure when i was 39....like i just had to get pregnant before that magic 40....so of course, I got my first faint positive with this pregnancy....on my 40th b-day LOL....life. praying for you to have success soon.

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  2. Aw, K, I'm so sorry this birthday is hitting you hard. I took it hard when I turned 29 but breezed into 40. I don't know why. I understand how you feel about the big 4-0 being the cliff over which an infertile falls. But hey, there really is hope. Lots of us older fogeys are proof. :)

    And hey, Happy, Birthday! I still think you're a young whipper snapper, if it helps!

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  3. I'm 39 right now, and I swear it was the most stressful birthday I can ever imagine having. Actually, three months AFTER my 39th birthday was pretty damned stressful too, because it meant that I was never going to have a child in my 30s.

    Ugh. I hate being of AMA. In everything else I feel so young, but in this? An old crotchety grammy-lady...

    It's good to have company in the "now just old" camp. Hang in there. Keeping my ancient, arthritic fingers crossed for you...

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  4. I so relate. Turning 38 soon, right behind you...I tried to get my first IVF in before this birthday because, as my doctor says, "the boys in the lab like you when you're under 38". Well, I didn't make it. And I now realize that there are things I can do to keep my body young and healthy and that the number really means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Screw the boys in the lab! Best wishes for a very happy, healthy, and fertile year ahead!! XOXO

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  5. I know exactly how you feel. After so many years of trying when I didn't get pregnant by 40 (failed my first IUI in Nov after 2nd uterine surgery) I was devastated. I knew I couldn't face anyone even minorly joking about the big 4-0 (because of it's stigma in IF stats). I took MrBeep and ran off to London for a week. It's hard but there isn't anything we can do but try our best. Good luck kiddo.

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