East Meets West

I realize sometimes I am too consumed with what other people think. I am working on getting over that. I am speaking my mind a little more these days,(something I did more frequently years ago). I don't know what any of this has to do with my new approach to IF, but there is some relevance somewhere.

I have fight or flight syndrome too. In a big way, and in lots of circumstances. I'm learning that this contributes to extreme hormonal imbalances and puts the body in constant stress mode. Duh..... yeah, that's me. I'm working on getting that response under control. And wow, do I have it more than I realized. Super Doc thinks it's cranked up anxiety. Whatever it is it's making me sick, literally...as in unhealthy. I guess I'm circling back to my relevance here to being too consumed with what others think and the fact that I'm not going to let others toxify my life anymore.

And so, I have begun a bit of a lifestyle change, and I'm trying to be gradual in my approach. I am seeing a new TCM practitioner and I'm taking this beyond acupuncture. Last week I began D.HEA. I started at 25 mg doses for a few days and am now on 50 mg doses, headed for 75mg, where I'll stay, pending no side effects. So far I am good. I also started Royal.Jelly at the advice of my new practitioner. That's interesting stuff. They warn the taste is unpleasant and how to dilute it properly to make it go down better. I actually like it and don't dilute it. I'm taking 1/4 teaspoon twice daily. There is some weird visualization thing that happens when I take it and I think that's why I don't mind the taste. It's almost a semi-refreshing experience and I do feel like a queen bee. Or maybe I feel like Royalty. At $20 an ounce, I should feel like freaking Cleo.patra.

My new practitioner is the hottest ticket in town. The soonest I could get in (beyond my initial consult) was the end of next week. The best part is, Super Doc is on the plan too. So we will be getting co-treatments! For his part, he has started Pyc.nogenol. This comes in 25mg and the recommended dose is 200mg, so that's a work in progress to get there. I am proud of him. He has always had an open mind, although he's tended to scoff a bit at my yoga. Regardless, he has agreed to TCM and admits that Western medicine has failed us thus far. Or perhaps it is we who have failed. And, I'm taking a valuable piece of advice from Meinsideout. (I don't think she realized she was giving advice.) I have to work harder to meet him half way through this mess. I have to be responsible for letting myself out of the darkness. No one else will do it for me.

The hardest part now is the waiting......again. We have agreed, and on the advice of Ms. TCM, to wait at least 90 days before trying IVF again. Big sigh. But I am ok with it. I know...it feels desperately like the clock is ticking, like we can't wait (as RE bluntly told us last fall). And when we do attempt again, I will have passed birthday #39 and decreased our chances of success even further. These are hard pills to swallow. But I think it is the right thing to do and I feel like another immediate cycle of IVF would have been out of desperation, not to mention financially imprudent. And, with any luck, EB and I will high-five with BFPs in August.

Change

Change is in the air.....as a matter of fact, it really is in the air. It's 80 degrees today and oh so beautiful. (Sorry to all of you in the crappy weather belts.) As much as I love the sun, I'm still draggin. It's been a challenge to get past the emotional hurdles, once the physical ones have passed. Mr. W fired up his pizza oven last night (see Bun in His Oven post) and cooked up some killer pizza, so at least he got his bun in the oven. Nice.

RE ordered me into the lab today for an hcg - to confirm all was done and gone. Duh.....but ok I played along. Yep, it's a zero, nada, zilch. And herein lies my next movement for change. Could you pass me that records release form? Haven't decided where these records are going yet, but for now they're going with me. I'm contemplating the local University (ranked #3 nationally) or the Rocky Mountain Kingdom (aka CCRM), or Top Doc's clinic I visited previously, or another gig in a nearby bigger city. Having options is a good thing. And it sure beats stock options these days.

I'm also hitting the TCM circuit. Super Doc actually likes the idea and thinks he's going to check it out for himself. He's agreed to start acupuncture and the whole bit. In the mean time, I'm staring at a bottle of D.HEA, COQ.10 and some other nifty things I've been reading about. I also read about Pyc.nogenol for severe MFI. Any thoughts on this from the gallery?

And, on the subject of change, Mr W's health insurance is up for renewal soon. Since he has the lucky ability to choose the plan for the company, we're searching for one that covers IF. Unfortunately so far we've only got one option and it only covers 50%. But, 50% of $15,000 is better than a kick in the ass....or a stab with a $500 needle.

I'm seriously thinking about quitting my job. I like my job....or I like the tax write-offs it affords, because I sure as hell ain't raking in the bucks these days. I like having my own schedule and for the most part, my clients are really great. I tried "cutting back" a few years ago when we tackled this IF project before but I wasn't successful. Clients would call and beg and I would get suckered in and work more. Now, I'm at a crossroads. The economy would easily let me drift away...perhaps more quietly, but then I'd feel like I'm admitting defeat for other reasons. And, somewhere I have an ego that rears its head and wants itself flattered. And it's a greedy little ego bastard that wants to keep it's paycheck. Oh, change is definitely in the air. I'm tellin ya.

Don't Try This At Home

I didn't realize how incapacitated I would be after the show was over. Some things they just neglect to warn first-timers like me about. After reading EB's assessment at IVF 40+ I at least know what I've got is fairly normal, even if it is miserable. Luckily I had some left over narcotics just floating around, or I absolutely could not make it through the intense pain and emotional wretchedness. Thankfully, it is a weekend and I can ditch most everyone. Unthankfully, my parents were staying with us and making happy face through Vica.din, Flex.oril, and inside tears sucked. It's almost over, I think. It's unfortunate they don't give you the D&C option at this stage.

It's Official

First of all...thank you, thank you. The many kind comments have given me a lot of comfort. I feel like I know some of you better than I know my closest friends. Second, RE phoned this afternoon to tell me to stop the drugs and let nature take its proverbial course. I knew it was bad news when I heard his voice on the phone instead of his nurse's. I'm sad and angry. And yeah, devastated, even though I knew this was a big possibility. Mr. W has not taken the news well. Despite his professional training in the ability to compartmentalize emotion and logic, he seems truly blown away. I really believe that he was convinced in his heart this would not end this way.

And so, I will step away from blogging for awhile to regroup. However, I will pop in and check up on all of you and especially wish Barefoot, EB, & MeKate much success.

BF.....M

Last night I said the positive attitude crap was BS because either I am or I ain't. Apparently there is this thing in the middle of black and white called gray. Also known as a big fat maybe. This WHOLE entire process I have fallen into whatever the smallest percentage category of whatever the statistic is that's being measured. Only 10% need a laminaria. (Hi, that's me.) Only a possibility of getting 3 eggs retrieved. (Uh-um...I got 6 thank you very much.) Very likely chance I will not have anything to transfer, maybe 10%. (That's ok, I'll take it. In fact, I'll take 2! Does that mean I moved up to the 20% tier?) Having something to freeze was never even up for discussion. (Ok, I give there.)

And so, on beta day I have a whopping 8.36 Hcg. Technically positive by my clinic's standards (below 2 is negative), but more likely in the realm of a chemical pregnancy. I thought I'd be way more hysterical. I mean yeah, I'm WAY disappointed. But the weirdness of it all is I still have those little pangs and twinges and crampy things which means I've either got a fighter, or I'm having kittens. (Laugh with me please...) Surprisingly, the poker faces at my clinic showed genuine signs of optimism....something I tried unsuccessfully to rip a hole in. The other side of this f-d up coin is that I have proven several things. I have eggs that can be fertilized and go to blast. Mr. W's still got some mojo. And it's possible for something to hang on inside even if it's not forever. Lots of things learned. And to EB at IVF 40+, I really do feel your pain.

Anxietyville

I am back to my waiting sucks routine. And, because I am so convinced of a BFN, I have made a list of the top 10 things to enjoy after I find out. Now I know why E @ IVF 40+ slammed down that coffee the morning of. And, I don't think I can sleep tonight. And the positive attitude crap is a bunch of BS. Either I am or I ain't and that's that.



Here's my list.

1. Sushi.
2. A nice med-rare fillet mignon from Mor.ton's.
3. The hugest glass of red wine ever. Maybe the whole freakin bottle.
4. A bath.
5. A hot tub soak.
6. Getting my hair hi-lighted.
7. 2 kitties parked on my stomach at night.
8. Wearing my wedding rings. (Ok, they started to fit this week.)
9. Not feeling like I want to hail all day.
10. Getting a real night's sleep.

PIO Hell

After two very productive work days I assumed I would take yesterday to catch up on things around the house, maybe pay a few bills, and clean up for the kitchen photo shoot today. NOT!

I woke up yesterday at 5:30am unable to go back to sleep, so Mr. W took me out for breakfast. I came home and had a leisurely read of the WSJ and figured I'd get started on the tasks. And then it hit me. An overwhelming feeling of exhaustion, nauseousness, and cramps. I decided to lie down for a just a few minutes but ended up sleeping through lunch and woke up three hours later. My cell phone had been ringing, Mr. W was texting me, wondering why I no-showed for our lunch date and what was wrong. I drug myself out of bed only to find all the rooms spinning. Clearly I was not going to get shit done. And so I went back to bed and stayed there the rest of the day and night, popping the only allowable poor excuse for a pain reliever. Super Doc is convinced I am double knocked up. Me, not so much. I think I am just in PIO hell.

I did manage to move the photo shoot to next week, so this morning I am at least feeling a bit less pressure. There is a clam tide at the coast this weekend, so Mr. W has bravely decided to load both me and his BFF with the new knee joint up for a trip to our beach house tomorrow. It's not like I or BFF can dig any damn clams in our current conditions, but what the heck. And yes, tomorrow is Beta day for me, so I get to drag both Mr. W and his BFF with me for the poke stop on the way out of town. Sadly, I just recently disconnected our internet service at the beach, so I may be out of touch unless I can drag myself to the store today and pick up an air card for the laptop.

Barefoot betas today, so I must stay in contact!

I Would Like to Thank the Academy and....

I am humbled to be nominated for my first ever blogger award....maybe the first award of any kind....ever! Barefoot and Flower both nominated me and I thank them both immensely for their kind comments on my blog, not to mention the peace (and laughs) that reading their blogs gives me.

Here are the rules:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
4. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
5. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award

And so, it's my turn to bestow the award on the following bloggers with my gratitude and warm wishes:

IVF 40+ Path to Parenthood

I've Got Bad Plumbing

In Vitro Veritas Blog (yes our blogs share the same cool name)

What IF

In Vitro Veritas (another very cool name)

Where's My Miracle?

Grade A

I Can't Whistle


And wow...I've even figured out how to do all this on my blog! Cool.

Much Ado About Nothing

I have nothing to report. I have resisted temptation to POAS, despite some of the blogging world's urgings (and Mr. W's). But I'm convinced nothing is going on inside of me, other than a few PIO side effect remnants. I haven managed to occupy myself with enough work the last 2 days to semi-ignore the nauseousness. Although I'm still a bit dizzy, especially when driving. Nice.

Today I had a long chat with an acquaintance/shirt-tail friend who went through IVF successfully at almost 41 last year. Amazingly, she had a whopping 12 embies when it was all over and ended up with 9 (yah 9!) frosties. Mr. W had posed an interesting question to me this morning and asked me to relay it to my friend T. He wanted to know if she would consider letting us adopt some of her frosties if this doesn't work out for us. I'm fairly certain we've both decided against DE and DS so this presented an interesting scenario. Ironically, T and her DH mimic the ethnic backgrounds of Mr. W and I exactly. She is mixed Northern European and her DH is 100% off the boat Italian.

So when I carefully and rather lengthily presented the scenario to T on the phone she blurted out yes before I could even finish. I was stunned...and then she dropped the bomb. She had just signed the release papers and donated her frosties to stem cell research. I was too late. Sigh....it was a thought, and one with ramifications, no doubt. But I was intrigued by it. In any case we had a pleasant and very supportive conversation and she of course told me to go POAS and then not even take that so seriously. She also visited a clinic different from mine and gave me some great insight into getting what would be our third opinion.

I am SOOO not trying to be negative because I know nothing yet. But dammit, I am such a freakin planner and I'm always looking at the angles....I can't turn it off. And clearly it's what's gotten me in this mess in the first place.

Hmmmpf.

I haven't felt like blogging. Not sure why...except I'm sure my body is in a mass state of confusion. And propping my laptop up in the air on bed rest got old really fast.

I am 3dp5dt. Other than RE's "third time's a charm" speculum experiment, and oh, we forgot to give you the Valium ahead of time, and could you just pee out one cup and then stop?....my transfer was uneventful. Even the pre and post acupuncture was "oh hum". I had 2 embryos make it to blast and both were transferred. All bets are off. As is customary at my clinic, everyone had a poker face. The embryologists would not grade my embryos (or at least tell me what it was), and the RE didn't have a lot to say, except they looked "good" ,"be positive," and "the transfer was a piece of cake." For who? I did manage to get a photo of the embryos (had to ask 3 times) and so I've been comparing them online to everything else. Yeah....they're embryos, and I could tell they were at early blast stage, but that's about it. Super Doc (who's had a whopping 2 embryology classes 15 years ago) thinks they look great! I think he would say regurgitated peanuts looked great right now if I showed him a picture of it.

Anyway, my point was that the continued total lack of information or "secrecy" has me miffed. It's been that way from the very beginning....they wouldn't even tell me what e2 levels they were looking for during my stim days. I had to look it up on the internet. Does it change things if I know or not? No, it doesn't. But I have a RIGHT to know any and all matters of my medical health. Needless to say, we are done with this clinic, regardless of outcome.

Whew...now that I got that off of me....I generally feel pretty crummy. Did I mention grumpy? I was crampy the first 2 days and exhausted, now I'm nauseous & dizzy most afternoons. It's anybody's guess....all are signs of a BFP and side effects of the PIO. The up side is now that the Medrol is done, I'm finally sleeping better. Yay. And, I've lost 10 pounds since retrieval day. Another yay, except it's not like anyone would notice. The down side is I have booked myself some client appointments this week to pass the time for the 2ww, which means I have to concentrate, or at least try to get on with my life. And, my kitchen is being photographed for an advertisement on Thursday which means I have to clean the f-ing house. At my rate, it's going to take me the next 4 days to get it done.