The View From Here...

...is better than the view from inside the endoscope yesterday.



If you look closely, you can see Mr. W in the middle of the picture weed whacking our path to the beach. It's a crappy picture I took with my cell phone. That's the sun shimmering off the ocean in the far ground. It has been almost two months since we have been to our beach house. Hence the need for weed whacking. The last time we were here, I was in my 2ww and had learned I had a BFM on the beta scale. M as in...maybe. Sigh. Other than this post today, I have decided to have an IF-free weekend here with friends. I'm going to relax. Enjoy the incredible weather. The local fireworks. And the idiotic things other people do at the beach on a major holiday weekend.



But I digress...to yesterday's scope. Thanks for asking, Meinsideout . It was, well, not ideal. But I guess, not horrible. I have a great GI doc. And that's saying a lot coming from me. Aside from Mr. W, I am not easily impressed with medical professionals. And perhaps, because of Mr. W, I am hard on them. I ask lots of questions. I don't like to be patronized or idiotized. I expect thorough and courteous treatment. And I'm ok with educated hunches for the inexplicable (duly disclaimed of course). I have no tolerance for pompousness and I dislike someone who has not at least "flipped" through my chart before they walk in the room. Really...is that too much to ask? I felt Dr. GI met these criteria with flying colors. And, he treated me like the educated, articulate person I am (even though Mr. W was present).

Ok, ok...so the scope. Dr. GI was genuinely concerned about doing it if I had a positive beta (because of the DIY IUI last weekend) so he had a blood draw done right then and there while we waited to begin. It was negative. Big surprise, but also too early, technically...which I told him. He said it was our call. I said based on our recent fabulous lab news the day before, I was fairly confident it was a bust. Mr. W agreed. Dr. GI said the only possible risk was the unknown effect of the sedatives administered for twilight. After some discussion, we agreed to proceed. I appreciated Dr. GI's concern and candidness. And he even let Super Doc watch the whole procedure!

I'll tell you how it went, but I want to say I am clearly not the poster child for endoscopies. If you ever have to have one, it will not likely be as miserable as mine. I was not in twilight for a good portion of it. In fact, I was awake, gagging, for most of it. After the cocktail was administered, I was given a little bite block with a hole in it to keep my mouth open for the scope, while preventing me from biting on it. And then I was out. Uhm...for a bit. I woke up (who knows when) gagging on the damn thing and feeling the hose go up and down my throat, followed by some suction action in my mouth and conversations between Dr. GI and Super Doc. And then I was out again. (Mr. W said every time I woke up they hit me again with the cocktail until apparently they decided I'd just plain had enough to sedate a cow...which I am not, but feel like I resemble sometimes.) I remember waking again and hearing the nurse talking and I remember opening my eyes a couple of times and seeing a little towel covering my face. In any case, Dr. GI told Super Doc my continual gagging was very common in people with IBS, and they don't know why, other than the body has a constant propensity to want to expel things.

So the verdict? Dr. GI took 6 biopsies - 2 of my stomach, 2 of my esophagus, and 2 of my small intestine. Those are all pending. He also used a second, ultrasound scope and scanned every organ he could. All normal. What he did find with the scope was severe gastritis in the stomach (excessive acid causing these little bumps) and jackpot...a hernia in my stomach! Did you know there was such a thing? I didn't, but now I have a little picture of one inside me. (Yeah, I got some nice photos as a GWP but I'll spare you all.) Dr. GI said the hernia is old, meaning it's been there awhile, but the recent IVF stress and weight gain have aggravated it enough to make me miserable. He didn't feel surgery was necessary and that a bit of weight loss (seriously, he said just a little...) should help, as well as some treatment for the acid. And oh, de-stressing. Uh...yeah. Of course, this is all pending the biopsy results which he expects to be normal.

So I went home somewhat relieved there wasn't something serious and that the ultrasounds were normal. Of course I have an incredibly raw, sore throat. And because I maxed out the cocktail service, I hailed whatever I tried to eat the rest of the night.

For the rest of the weekend, I shall relax and enjoy the sound of the ocean among the company of good friends. I might even have a glass of wine, if the stomach and throat will oblige. And next week, I'll resume the IF obsession and 10 more days in court, which ironically, are the result of... the view from here.

Progress Report

Or lack thereof. Progress that is.

Mr. W has been on the who's who of supplements for the last 2 months straight. He's been going to Ms. TCM. He's been taking his herbs. So on Friday we decided to get an updated SA to see if there has been any change in the severe MFI.

The verdict? It's all worse. There has been a substantial decline, so much so, that I'm in utter disbelief. All of the diet watching, vegetable consumption, antioxidant fixes, alcohol avoidance, and supplements were for not. A complete waste of money, time, and that effing four letter word. Hope.

I feel guilty blogging about this. Mr. W is at work and I had to email the results to him after they were faxed over this morning. We haven't even had a chance to discuss it. I haven't even cried yet. I am just completely numb.

Since most of us internets are statistic whores, here are the numbers:

Count: 1.5 million (down 75%)
Motility: 24% (down 63%)
Morphology: 20% normal (down 41%)

Yeah, I felt your jaw drop.

So now what? I just don't know. A few months ago I asked Mr. W to have some samples cryo'd. He thought I was being rediculous and so he didn't. Now, I'm really wishing we had, but I'm thinking maybe we still should. There was one very small improvement. So small, it's almost not even measurable. His swim-ups have been zero in the past. This time it was .04. Almost zero, but not, and obviously still abnormal. (0.2 and above is normal...note the decimal place.)

The crazy thing in all of this is his last endocrinology appointment was really pretty good. (Remember he has Type 1 diabetes.) His A1C had dropped a tiny bit, his cholesterol was WAY down, and his blood pressure was perfect. We even thought the supplement regime may have had an impact, along with diet.

It's sunny and approaching 90 degrees today. We're heading to our beach house with friends this weekend. I am down 10 pounds from my IVF weight. I guess there are still a lot of other things in life that I want to do besides have children. I'm trying really hard to find a bright spot in today. Sigh....My endo.scopy is tomorrow. I can only imagine what fabulous findings we'll have with that.

Threes Come In Pairs

Yep, we did it again. DIY IUI # 3. With the brand name OPKs this time. Super Doc said this was the 'best' one yet....meaning easy, highest percentage of contents transferred, and minimal discomfort. So there you have it.

Non-coincidentally I assume, I had a dream last night about my future consult with opinion #3 (scheduled for next month). If you're the superstitious type, then you'd be running to schedule the appointment with opinion #2 based on the foreshadow that occurred. In any case, I'll give #3 the benefit of the doubt and wait for the consult before I play judge and jury.

All of this seems so "last year" compared to Sprog's most outstanding news. If you're new to this planet and have not been 'graced' with Sprog's writings (pun intended), then you must run (not walk) and check out her news.

When Pagans Whisper

Every now and then there are days I never want to end. I can count on one at least once a year. June 21st - the solstice. There is always magic that day. The sun sets so late...the honeysuckle is in full bloom, the lavender is intoxicating, and the air is ripe with the official onset of summer (though summer arrived in May this year). I love that day. I love not wearing shoes. I love that the first garden harvests are around the corner.

But here I am....back on this planet, where it's no big surprise that DIY IUI #2 didn't work. And it's no big secret that I've been a bit (ok maybe a lot) depressed. Tried to have a few IF-free days....days I wasn't on the internet (thanks you guys, for saying Hi anyway)....days I wasn't consumed with what my body was doing or not doing...days where I found other things to distract me. Eight graduations, 3 birthdays, 2 weddings, 1 funeral, and a partridge in a pear tree this month helped...or not, depending on how you look at it.

But in and among all of this mess, some nasty little abdominal thing crept up. I managed to fight off Super Doc and avoided the ER one night, but went through 2 full days of testing last week. Got some really nice bloodwork done. (Managed to sneak in another FSH, E2, TSH just for shits and giggles, hoping the insurance won't catch it among a slew of other tests). Everything looked good, except for my liver. Then I got an abdominal CT (clear), followed by a GI consult. So what's the verdict? Nothing yet, and it means I get a hose down my throat next week. Yep. Endoscopy. Nice. They've ruled out pancreatitis and some other stuff. It's likely a big fat stomach ulcer (gee, I wonder why), IBS (big surprise), or Celi.ac disease (very unlikely). I had my gallbladder removed 3 years ago, so that's out. So the GI doc is going to throw the scope down me and take a peek. I'm so excited I could vomit.

So Mr. GI thinks the IVF and/or its drugs may have pissed my liver off too. Interesting. I quit taking my herbs. Quit the D.HEA. And quit just about everything else, except for this little blue designer stomach pill. So I'm in a holding pattern again, just trying to get myself well. Still planning to do another cycle one of these days. Still planning to get my shit back together.

Ugh.

But in the land of interesting news....a new IF clinic has opened in my town. That makes #4. So the plot thickens, so to speak. We shall see what this new development brings.

Would you believe....

...I might be an idiot? .....that the cheap-o grocery store brand of OPK is just that - cheapo? ...that just for shits and giggles I did another OPK test? ....that it was, without a doubt, a positive LH surge today??

And so I texted Super Doc to be sure and swing into the hospital and snag some more utensils for DIY IUI 2.1. His response....WTF? He witnessed the fading, almost extinct lines in successive days himself. And so, the moral of the story friends....don't buy the cheapy brands.

All 8's

Meinsideout tagged me with Crazy 8s a few days ago, so I'm finallly getting around to doing it. And yes, it is nice to think about other things.

Rules: Mention the person that tagged me, complete the list of 8’s, and tag 8 bloggers.
(Disclaimer: I reserve the right to copy a few...)

8 Things I’m Looking Forward To:

1. Leaving for vacation tomorrow
2. Losing my IVF weight eventually
3. Getting – and staying – pregnant someday (I think we both copied this from Sprog)
4. More hot days to lay by the pool
5. My friend's retirement from teaching next week (yes, many of my friends are THAT old)
6. An end to this nasty legal battle hanging over our heads
7. An uptick in the economy by the end of the year
8. knocking out honey-do lists around the house



8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Nursed an old herniated disk with ice packs
2. Did some accounting work for Mr. W's office (flat on my back of course)
3. Wondered where the Air Fr.ance plane went down and why
4. Emailed clients (had to pretend I was working!)
5. Listened to En.ya
6. Tried to keep cool without turning on the A/C
7. Did more research on clinics (it's like beating a dead horse...)
8. Read all of your blogs. :)

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Lose more weight
2. Get pregnant
3. Make my cats not get older (stolen from you, Meinsideout)
4. Get my someday vineyard planted and start making wine
5. Move to Italy
6. Meet some of my bloggy friends
7. Have more meaningful relationships with the friends I have
8. Play the piano (better)

8 Shows I Watch: (This is hard, don't watch much TV.)

1. Iron Ch.ef America
2. House hunters international
3. CN.BC power lunch
4. Sopranos (reruns)
5. Everyday Italian
6. Chel.sey Lately (ok, it's my one excuse for sleeze TV)
7. Discovery channel stuff
8. Nig.htly News with Brian Will.iams



8 Favorite Fruits:

1. Raspberries
2. Blackberries
3. Cantaloupe
4. Avocados (technically a fruit)
5. Tomatoes (also technically a fruit)
6. White peaches
7. Red Grapes
8. Bananas

8 Places I’d Like to Travel: (It doesn't say it has to be a new place!)

1. Italy
2. France
3. Russia
4. Dubai
5. Washington DC
6. Queen Charlotte/Prince Rupert Canada
7. Martha's Vineyard
8. New England during fall

8 Places I’ve Lived:

1. Washington
2. Oregon
3. California
4. Ohio
5. small college town
6. big cities
7. big city suburbs
8. coastal town

8 People I’m Tagging:


Barefoot and (Not) Pregnant
Best When Used By
can you imagine?
Grade A
I can't whistle
IVF 40+ Path to Parenthood
The Angry Infertile
What IF?

Buying Time

Welcome to the new look. Boredom with the old look crept in, much the way I find myself getting bored playing the IF game. It doesn't help that I am horizontal nursing an old herniated disk that I managed to aggrivate for no apparent reason. So with the back on ice, and kitty #2 draped across me, I can monkey with the blog.

To keep things interesting, we pulled off another DIY'er although I think I totally blew it. I wasn't paying close enough attention to the OPK and think I missed it by a day. Which either means we missed the DIY IUI by two days, or we just snuck it in under that magical little 24 hour PO window. A window that probably doesn't even exist in my house. So I can pretty much guarantee this one was a write-off, although Super Doc is getting pretty damn good at it now!

The hard part is what to do next. We are leaving for vacation in 2 days and I'm hoping some time away will allow the best answer to present itself. We are trying to choose a new clinic. And I'm looking at the calendar. All of the likely candidates for start dates have serious obstacles in them, conveniently around potential retrieval dates. And I still haven't chosen a clinic. Damn. I have to get my act together but I feel like I don't even know where to start. I feel like time's a wastin, but I really want to drop more than 7 of the 25 pounds I gained on the last round and a half. Time (and timing) is just everything....and no matter how hard I try, I just can't buy it.