Monday, October 5, 2009

Dumbness & Numbness

It's rather strange, you know, to have a few of you (like Sprog and Leah) "move" my blog into another folder or category. I've been known to be a bit superstitious at times and well, I hope this isn't bad luck! There. I've said it.

As I mentioned to Sprog the other day, it's like wearing a scarlet letter(s) and you just think the branding won't/can't go away. I find I am pinching myself regularly. Both in awe and disbelief. And smack dab in the middle of another 2ww for the ultrasound, I still expect the other shoe to drop. Waiting....waiting....waiting for it. I know, so many of us have been there before. Many are still there, as so eloquently posted by Sprog today. Go give it a read.

But alas, I found myself fumbling with the phone today. Calling an OB. A real OB. Top Doc's clinic said I could choose to have the u/s at Dr. OMC's or at my chosen OB's office. And therein was part of the issue. I had not chosen anyone officially yet. (Didn't want to "jinx" it....see, there I go again.) And, didn't want to go back to Dr. OMC, for a variety of reasons, one of which was risking that my stupid-ass insurance company would decide not to pay for it since it was an IF clinic.

Mr. W and I bantered back and forth over the weekend regarding whom we should select. We have 3 friends that are OB's, any one of whom we'd be happy to choose. However, they only deliver at one hospital - the one closest to us and the one Mr. W spends the majority of his time at. On one hand, this is good and convenient. On the other hand, it makes for a real lack of privacy. And on the third hand (if I had three), it's not the hospital I want to deliver at.

So we worked backward...choosing the hospital first (one that's 25 miles away) and then the OB. Feeling like I'd just conquered the universe in making the decision, I fell speechless when the voice on the other end of the phone today asked me what kind of an appointment I needed to schedule.

Voice: What kind of appointment do you need?

Me: Uhm, an ultrasound?

Voice: For?

Me: Uhm, (insert life story in 5 seconds) I'm an IVF patient and my RE has requested a 7 week ultrasound.

Voice: [Silence for a second.]

Me: Because I have a pregnancy. (Like it's a disease I just caught instead of the swine.flu.)

Voice: [nicely] Oh, Ok. You need an OB appointment.

Me: Yeah. (OMG, am I really this retarded?)

Voice: Ok, who is your RE?

Me: Top Doc, in Big City. And they've requested a specific date.

Voice: Ok, and are you moving here?

Me: I already live here. I've lived here.

Voice: [fumbling, looking at schedule] OB's schedule is completely booked. We will need to talk with her or her nurse to see if we can fit you in. They are both off today. We'll have to call you back tomorrow.

Me: [shit.] Ok.

Voice: And we'll need all of your records.

Me: From all of the IF? (that's like 4 clinics worth)

Voice: Yeah.....Ok...thanks...we'll call you tomorrow.

I hung up the phone and stared out the window for a minute. It's an incredibly beautiful autumn day. The leaves are just barely starting to change color and there isn't a cloud in the sky. I could be fooled into thinking it was the middle of summer. I could be fooled into thinking this is all a pipe dream. I might have gotten on Sprog's plane off the island, but it hasn't landed yet, and I don't know where in the hell it's going.


  1. oh K,
    love, dang, I get it.
    I was only off the island for a moment, but I get it.
    I wish I could say I know what to say or do or imagine that will take you closer to believing this is real.
    it is real.

    there is no secret decoder ring for this transition sweetie, you have to feel your way through this as much as you did once you stumbled into the quagmire land of IF, into is a new language, a new land. you will feel like an outsider, but you have every right to be there, and to ask for what you need and for stating where you are. a
    "and I have absolutely no idea what I am doing" and "i am scared out of my mind" are fair things. even normal people only need OB stuff once in a while, right? how does anyone know how to do this?
    thinking of you almost non-stop, and with great big heartfelt HOPE.
    so there.

  2. i think making the transition is like going to greece and trying to read the street signs written in greek.....i can't even spell out the names because the letters are different. When you are nervous, worried or don't understand make them explain or listen, I have found they will....if you ask. ((hugs))

  3. My first conversation with the OB's office was similar. At least to the extent that I had a hard time forcing myself to say the words, "I'm pregnant and I need an OB appointment." I wasn't sure what I needed. And maybe I was afraid that someone would snap back..."NO! YOU are not an OB patient! YOU are an IF patient who wishes she was an OB patient!" Silly, huh.

    Well, they'll call you back. They'll fit you in. They have to. And it will be really emotional when you stand at the receptionist desk and make your next oB appointment.

    I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that soon you will be a veteran OB patient, strolling through that door like an old pro!

  4. so true so true
    I look at the regular pregnant people and wonder if they know what they have - these thoughtless pregnancies

    that's probably unfair.

    I totally get how you feel. I can't imagine getting to the pregnant - really pregnant - side of things. Just sit tight. Your body is in control and you are along for the ride :-)

    Sending you moments of peace.

  5. I hear you - it is a freaky no man's land. I am so happy for you - I do understand the surreal feeling.

    Lisa from meinsideout

  6. Yeah, welcome to the world of the regular OB. It's a whole 'nother ballgame.

    I wonder if we are planning to deliver at the same hospital?

    Thinking continued good thoughts for you as you move through this latest 2WW.

  7. K- thanks for mentioning me in your post! That's so cool: my first official shout-out!

    I think that you should walk in to your OB's office with a box that holds reams of paper and tell them they asked for ALL your records! Congrats again! Wishing you the best!

  8. hey, its a been a week! What's going on? How are you feeling? Is everything OK?
    send a smoke signal K

    Thanks for you support - and the kick up the arse. Was too early. I know.
    Thinking of you