Shock & Awe

First....The Confessions:

Second......today was beta day......
56!

For the record, Mr. W and I ended up finding a secret stash of hoarded pee sticks, so these are those. And also for the record...this brand sucks. Also, the last picture was taken before the last stick was dry, so it looks lighter.

Stick Hunt

Mr. W and I argued for several days about whether or not to POAS. He said no - absolutely not - for the same reasons EB's DH did. I said I just wanted to know. That's all. And yes, I know they can be inaccurate at this stage -both ways.

So for 2 days I begged and begged Super Doc to bring home some sticks from work. No. No. No. Finally, I announced I was headed to the store to buy some. Whereupon he caved. (I knew he would.) "You're not buying something I already have at work." Uhm, duh? So off we went (at night, when no one would see) to get the sticks.

Or not.

This turned out to be an exercise in futility. Oh, and a big fat eye-opener for Super Doc, who has just learned a few exciting things about his employees:

1) They're all raiding company supplies.
2) Pee sticks are a secret commodity to be hidden & hoarded.
3) When you use or hoard the last one, you're too embarrassed to tell anyone to order more, so you just leave empty boxes/vials around until someone notices. Like the boss. Who is...too embarrassed to tell anyone to order more. And doesn't even know who they order them from.
4) Don't expect them all to tell you at once they're trying to get knocked up, too. Just start hiring NOW to cover all of those maternity leaves.

Somebody Squealed

Number one nephew just returned from 3 months in Italy. (I'll call him #1 because he's the oldest of the nephews.) He's just finished college and just accepted his first broadcast journalism job for a C.BS affiliate in a smaller city in an adjacent state. Mr. W and I are proud of this kid. After a rough bus, he's turned out to be a sweet and hella-smart guy.

So I never mentioned how odd it was that he showed up to pick us up at the airport after our return from Top Doc's clinic. We hadn't arranged a ride with him, but our ride apparently fell through and so he was there. It struck me later as odd, because he didn't ask about our trip, what we did, or any normal questions you ask people when they get back from vacation. In fact, he didn't ask a thing. Of course, he had just returned from this fabulous trip in Italy, visiting all of Mr. W's relatives and testing his new fluency in Italian on us. So why would you ask about our boring trip anyway?

The next night, Mr. W and I offered to take #1 nephew to dinner since he would be moving the following week to start the new job. On the way to dinner, Mr. W slipped a real subtle comment to test the waters. And just like flies on shit, #1 nephew jumped all over it and blurted out he's looking forward to having a new cousin. I scowled at him in the back seat. "Who squealed!?" I demanded. (As if we couldn't figure it out.) I can't say....I've been sworn to secrecy.....he says. "Dammit!"....I said. "Tell me..." But all I had to do was mention Mr. W's mom and I saw him grimace. She is notorious for gossip. Notorious for wanting to be the FIRST to pass 'news' along. Notorious for wanting to stir the pot.

Mr. W and I reminded #1 nephew that this was not definitive and that it was still a private matter and that it wasn't that we didn't want him to know, but we wanted to tell him ourselves, and that it may not work, again. #1 nephew said he hadn't told a soul and didn't plan on it but that he was really excited and that we shouldn't blame any family member(s) because that's just how the family is.

But I do blame, and I am hurt and angry at MIL for making this HER information to share with people. And we can just about bet if she has told #1 nephew it will be in the newspapers any day. And the worst part is, there is really NO information to share at this point.

Sigh...I am trying to be forgiving. But I am still pissed. And I feel cheated and crossed.

I have to hand it to Mr. W, though. He had the guts to confront the root of our problem head-on with #1 nephew right then and there. In the car. On the way to dinner. He told #1 nephew if ever thought he might want kids in his lifetime he should go get tested now. To my amazement, #1 nephew wanted to know who and where is this testing and what is considered normal and what should he do if it was abnormal. "Do I just have to jack off in a cup?" ...was his question. At least at 20-something, they 'get' that concept pretty easily.

Parrott Head

Well, the fresh blackberries did not make it to the pot for jam before they rotted. Tail end of the season, and I was just not home soon enough. So I've been looking for other ways to pass the misery of the infamous 2ww, now 4dp3dt. Here's what I've come up with so far:

1. Finish the 2008 taxes before the final extension is up.
2. Resume some degree of work (oh, this is a hard one).
3. Get one of our rentals re-rented.
4. Admire the continuation of summer and 85 degree weather for the next week.
5. Figure out in what orifice I will stuff more of these tomatoes that fornicate like rabbits.
















Otherwise, I have no symptoms. Nothing. Nada. Admittedly, the peanut pellets are way easier on the body than the PIO. But perhaps it's just another day in Paradise without the cheeseburger?

Home Sweet Home

Hi new follower!

It's nice to be back home after what seems like an eternity in a hotel. To answer a few common questions and comments: There was no spa there. The room service menu sucked and I couldn't justify the price, so I skipped it (for the first time ever, I think). And the tourists drove me nuts. However, I was asked for directions a few times, so I must have looked like a local.

Home sweet home, you ask? Yes, I am home. Which means my transfer was yesterday. Top Doc's clinic notified me yesterday morning (after I called them because the nurse forgot) that I would be having a 3-day transfer in the very early afternoon. I guess Top Doc does not necessarily mean Top Nurse.

So it was a WTF, get the shit together, and get the hell out the door kind of morning. So much for being relaxed awaiting transfer. Mr. W and I scrambled to pack the luggage and check out of the hotel. I jumped on the internet and booked us a flight home immediately following the transfer, assuming we would catch the hail mary pass to the airport. And then we hiked ourselves and all of our luggage to the clinic. It reminded me of the luggage schlepping of one (or more) of our trips to Europe. Only it wasn't Europe. And clearly this wasn't a vacation.

It was Top Doc's Saturday to work and she was her usual warm, positive without being fake, self.
She had great advice and suggestions for our transfer decisions. The embryologist wheeled the little IVF cart over to my room and plugged it into an oxygen port nearby. She loaded the catheter for Top Doc. And then poof! We were done (with a little effort and a little pain -I've still got that damn cervix that's wound tight as a knot.) I chilled out for a few minutes while she brought in the embryo records and a picture and then said I could go. She doesn't require bed rest after a transfer (crazy, huh?) but said to take it easy and no lifting. I had already cleared flying beforehand, so we were on our way.

Our flight left 2 hours after my scheduled transfer time, so it was going to be a tight one, but in the end, everything went off without a hitch. I did spend the remainder of the day in bed with the purry ones but I am feeling great. No PIO, thankyouverymuch. And home just in time to catch the last of the blackberries for a batch of jam.

Now just looking for suggestions to pass the 2ww.

Sesame Street & Fertility Report

Do you remember watching Sesame Street and each day was brought to you by a number and a letter? And throughout the episode the number and letter kept appearing?

Well today is brought to you by the letter K: for K (that's me) and Kate at I Can't Whistle.

It's also brought to you by the number 8! Yep, we both got 8.
It's crazy weird, no? But all good, yes?

And the rest of my story...

8 - Eggs retrieved
7- Mature
7- ICSI'd
5- At 2pn
2 -Still viable but hadn't cleaved yet

Top Doc says she is happy with this. She also noted that the cyst that almost cancelled my cycle was still there so she aspirated it. And it bled. And she didn't know exactly what it was for sure (she threw out some theories) but that we should just watch it.

The bonus news for me was that this retrieval was WAY better than my last. I can't believe it, and that was after Top Doc had prepared me for a possible repeat performance of the retrieval at my last clinic. I think the cocktail was better. The procedure was quicker. I had relatively little pain and actually got up and walked the half mile back to the hotel afterward! (I couldn't walk for over 24 hours last time and I was brutally sick.)

Oh, and can I just mention I don't have to take PIO shots?? Today I started the peanut pellets, otherwise known as Pro.metrium. Tomorrow I start the Viv.elle patch. I've already decided that shoving a peanut up the hoo hoo and putting a sticker on the belly beats PIO in the ass any day. Now if I just put M&Ms up my nose, I'd be a 3-year-old all over again and I could yell at Big Bird on TV.

Twas the Night Before....

...retrieval and all through the hotel room. Ok, my mild anxiety is creeping through tonight. I don't know why. I am WAY prepared. I am ready. This is all good. And thank you everyone for your awesome comments and your shout outs on your blogs. I want to also mention that as I will likely be under the weather tomorrow (my last retrieval was miserable and Top Doc says this one will be no exception), I am wishing the best for meKate, T @ IF Optimist, Megan, Maddy, & Pundelina who are all on deck now or shortly. (Sorry if I forgot someone...)

So for today's post...I am going to list everything I did today. I know, this is dumb. But it's all I got.

1. Slept in. Then enjoyed my decaf earl grey with cream on the patio.
2. Watched the kitty cam
3. Argued with Mr. W about which flight back he was going to take.
4. Researched said fights since he has a choice of 5 airports.
5. Made Mr. W's corporate payroll tax and 401k deposits.
6. Did laundry in the bathroom sink of my hotel room.
7. Picked out what I'm going to wear tomorrow and what I want to wear to bed when I get back.
8. Stressed out over the pre-op instructions.
9. Argued with Mr. W about his flight some more. He tells me to change it.
10. More flight research. Override his decision and don't change it.
11. Feel tired and a bit grumpy.
12. Watch kitty cam again.
13. Emailed the niece who's in NY at grad school. She is bugging me to come visit. Might be dropping in on you, EB and Sprog!
14. Email the nephew who is returning from studying in Italy. I have just realized that the keys to his car are locked in my house and he returns they day after tomorrow. Nice!
15. Lay by the hotel pool for awhile until I notice the guy down the way has his hands in his pants. That's enough for me, thank you.
16. Walk to Trader Jo.e's to pick up some things I might consider eating tomorrow. Or not. Get things for Mr. W so he won't have to go out looking for food, and can take care of me full time instead. :)))
17. Decide I have been eating healthy enough and walking enough daily to splurge and order a pizza for my "last.supper."
18. Count down the last hour that I can have anything to eat or drink.
19. Consider going to pick up Mr. W at the airport. And then decide to tell him he can take a cab since it is almost 11:00pm.
20. Notice that I am achy and have these lemons rolling around inside me.
21. Find that Jay Len.o's new show is not as funny as his old one.
22. Read and comment on your blogs.
23. Set my alarm to get up in the middle of the night to take the 2 pills I am supposed to take with only a "sip" of water.
24. Admire the circle the nurse drew yesterday (that's still on my butt) so I could back myself up to a mirror and give my own damn trigger shot.
25. Checked out the lastest Face.book gossip. Which compared to what I'm doing, is really boring.

And with that, I shall load myself into bed. One sleep to go...

Game On

All systems are go for Wednesday. Top Doc says things look good and today she was measuring 12 follicles. Some of them are smaller and it's likely they won't be mature. However, this is the best I have ever done and I'm excited about that (she says without trying to to get her hopes up too far.)



Today I was glancing over the paperwork and some of the chart details and noticed that our official diagnosis from Top Doc's clinic is Male Factor. This also makes me feel somewhat better. I might be a slow or poor responder to the meds but it doesn't appear that I have DOR like the last clinic tried to cram down my throat in effort to push me to DE. Yes, my clock is ticking, but not fast enough (in my opinion) to jump into the DE bed today.



I just have to say that Mr. W did the sweetest thing before he left home last time. We have a video security system at home so he moved the kitty food into view of one of the cameras. Now I can log into the system and peek in on my purry kids. And, I had to post this photo he snapped with his cell phone.

Here I Am

...in the hotel room hanging out by myself. The word for the day is flexibilty. Everyone say it together. It's what this cycle is all about. It started out that way, and it may very well end that way. But hey, I'm game. I'll be flexible. If that's what it takes.

I've had 3 appointments at Top Doc's clinic since I got here Wednesday night. Mr. W joined me on Thursday with the idea we'd have liftoff followed by orbit sometime late this weekend/Monday-ish. OK, not so much.

Top Doc is letting me a cook awhile. And, it seems her strategy is paying off. Little by little some new follicle comes out to play the longer we wait. So here I am, pushing stim day 12 tomorrow and it looks like I'll get the trigger for the 8 or so that are ready. This is good news because I'm starting to get uncomfortable. Not crazy painful swollen miserable. But achey full can't sit or twist or stand uncomfortable.

This was bad news for Mr. W. He had blocked out his schedule to be here Monday and Tuesday this week. But my retrieval is now Wednesday. After some discussion, we agreed he would fly home tonight, reschedule his Wednesday and Thursday patients for Monday and Tuesday now if they could, and fly back Tuesday night. I feel badly about this. Patients wait 4 months to see him and then he has to cancel at the last minute. It's frustrating for them and it burdens his partner and staff. Not to mention people will start to ask lots of questions about the urgent change. But at the same time, he is human. He has a life outside of work and this is important. Not to mention the selfish me wanted him to stay with me and cancel everyone, because it IS that important and because I miss him and because I am hormonal.

But, after a zip.car trip to my favorite place (just 60 miles to the North) for the day, I dropped him at the airport and returned myself to the hotel. So here I am. Being flexible.

Status Quo

I loved the comments about my last post. You guys rock. And I was feeling somewhat badly about my whole outlook on the matter. Ok, NOT! Thanks for letting me off the hook.

This morning was my day 5 u/s with Dr. OMC. Which basically amounted to only 3 1/2 days of stims. Things are moving along - better than the last two times, but still not perfect. But shit. If I was perfect, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. So, we're just going to roll with what we've got- 6 follicles out in front and 4-6 more bringing up the rear. I'm all clear for a Wednesday afternoon departure to Top Doc's clinic (with a shot of Gani.relix on the side) where I will camp out for the next week or two. Fortunately, Mr. W gets to join me on Thursday night and stay through retrieval. I'm very happy about this. And, since we used to live in Top Doc's city, I can't think of a better place to spend 6 days hanging out with the master of pizza ovens.

Here is what I can happily say about this protocol so far:

1) It's easier. The dosing is a bit simpler and shots are only 1 time per day. I actually feel like I can function the rest of the day because I'm not so obsessed about looking at the damn calendar to see if I forgot to take something.

2) There are NO STEROIDS or evil Lu.pron (as my dear EB calls it). I shouted it out before. I'm shouting it out again.

3) I am not as moody, grumpy, or otherwise miserable. (I reserve the right to revoke this statement later. Clearly, I do.)

4) My sleep is not as disrupted and I still have energy.

5) I am not swelling or gaining weight. (Yet.)

And so, in an effort to get my shit together so I can leave town peacefully, I have been task mastering. Behold, the harvest update:

14 - more quarts of tomatoes canned
2 - gallons of tomato sauce canned
(there are 125 tomato plants in 5 varieties)
12 - 1/2 pints of corn relish canned
15 - ears of corn sealed and frozen
5- batches of zucchini bread in 3 different recipes, including a low-sugar variety for Mr. W

Smut for the Day

I can't resist temptation to comment on this one. Much like I couldn't control the hand that clicked on the page.

First off, my own personal disclaimer, which really means very little:

I'm not a reality show watcher. I don't read the celebrity smut magazines. And, the only things I know about Jon and K.ate and Oct.omom and whomever else, are the things that flash before my eyes on the newsstand while I'm waiting at checkout, things I see in the only paper I read (the WSJ), and whatever Brian Wil.liams says on the nightly news when I happen to catch him. Otherwise, I prefer to have my head conveniently buried in the sand.

And then I flipped on my laptop yesterday. The last time I had it in for IT service, the guy set my home page to M.S.N.com. Something I never changed. So I popped open internet explorer and there it was plastered across the front. And what did I do? I swear a 2 ton brick could not have stopped my hand from clicking on it. There was nothing I could do but read and stare and gawk.

The Dug.gars are having their 19th child. What.the.fucq.

Mistaken Identity

Or as Dr. OMC sheepishly stated at my second u/s yesterday...."Too many cooks in the kitchen."

After hearing I had a cyst on Tuesday (and being informed by Dr. OMC that if I was their patient I would be cancelled) Top Doc asked if it was "clear" or "cloudy" to which, Dr. OMC replied (several hours after the u/s) that is was clear. Meaning it was a follicle that had not ovulated, as opposed to the cloudy remnant of one that had just ovulated from the previous cycle.

Did I mention why I like Top Doc so much? For starters, she is THOROUGH. She was not satisfied with the u/s results and so I had another yesterday. (Yeah, it cost me another $500 to repeat.) This time, Dr. OMC informs me he will not be commenting on my u/s (uhm while he's there doing it and I'm watching) and instead says he will leave the decision making to Top Doc.

But at this u/s I have the unique benefit of having a resident present! Normally, I don't consider it a benefit. And in fact, I often decline the resident option. So what does this mean? Well aside from it means she is like the 8th or 9th person in the last 6 months to assist in the wand-waving in my hoo-hoo, it means Dr. OMC is giving a little teaching lesson! So much for his "no comment." As he proceeds to count the 7 follicles on the left and the 5 on the right, he points out a larger cyst on the left and mutters something about cloudiness under his breath and evidence of a corpus luteum. (Sludge left over from the last cycle.) BINGO!

And so I was given the green light last night by Top Doc! You gotta love a woman with the kahunas to ask questions and demand more. Of course, I had not been to the pharmacy yet, but I was prepared with enough leftovers to shoot up last night then high-tail it to the pharmacy first thing this morning to pick up the goods (and shoot up again in the parking lot.)

I've gotten smart in my IVF veteran-ness. My next u/s is Monday, so I bought enough drugs to get through Tuesday. Maybe I'm not being the ultimate optimist, but what the hell? In the event I get cancelled mid-cycle, I don't want to be dining out on extra Foll.istim in my fridge until the next round.

So it seems I'm headed out of town in a few days afterall to finish my cycle at Top Doc's clinic. Nothing like keeping a girl guessing...especially a hormonal one!

Game Over....with an update

Before I even started. I'm so stunned, I can't believe it.

I have not heard officially from Top Doc's clinic, but it's a no go. Call it a cyst. Call it a dominant follicle. Call it the pile of shit for a body that I live in. I know I am cancelled before I even start the stims tonight. Yes, I realize I got my medical degree from Goo.gle University, but Dr. OMC saw it on the u/s this morning and called it out. Of course, with the disclaimer that it's not HIS final call.

I did not go to the pharmacy.
I am cancelling my hotel.
I am calling for a refund.
I am writing off the month of September.
I am losing my fucqing mind. Again.

Update:
Top Doc called this afternoon to say she wants me to have another u/s on Thursday. She thinks this monster follicle could be a remnant of the last cycle and may be on its way out. Since it.is.so.fucqing.huge. (Well that's not the descriptive word she used, but you get it.) I still like her, by the way. She delivers even shitty news with integrity.