Thursday, November 12, 2009


I have kept two punctured vials of Folli.stim in the refrigerator since I returned from Top Doc's clinic. The vials were punctured in mid September, fully 60 days ago. Of course they have a shelf life of 30 days after being punctured, so why the hell was I hanging on to them?

They are in the mini-fridge in the bedroom and I look at them every day. Every morning I say "today I will throw them out" and then I don't. For 60 days I have done this. Opened the fridge, looked at them, and closed the door.

They aren't any good anymore, haven't been for some time. It's not like I could have used them again myself before the end of the 30 days. It's not like anyone else would have wanted them either, once punctured.

I can't tell if it was painful to think I was tossing a $300 bill in the giant mouth of the sharps container, never to be seen again. Or was it admitting that I "didn't need" them anymore that seemed impossible? Or was it my superstitious fear that tossing them would cause a miscarriage? Or did I just need to remind myself daily how I got to this point? (Hardly...)

And so, for whatever was the day. I have no idea why. There is no milestone to mark. I am no more certain of keeping these nuggets now than I was 60 days or 60 minutes ago. Whatever it was, on this morning it compelled me to pick up the vials, briefly inspect them (to be sure they weren't really wrapped in $100 bills?) to be sure I wasn't mistaken and had thrown them out already and this was some other drug I needed? And then...just like that...I threw them in the mouth of the giant red beast. And closed the refrigerator door once more.

No pomp. No circumstance. But somewhere there was ceremony in that event. Only to be outdone moments later by cheerios and cottage cheese clogging the drain of the shower. Hmmmph.


  1. Yay!!! Sorry for the puking in the shower :(

    Lisa from meinsideout

  2. That's something I would do...hang on to them until they are absolutely definitely never going to be of use. It must have felt so good to throw them out!

  3. Yay for tossing out meds. It is a form of graduation that I am very happy to know you achieved. Would dearly love to send you something special. If you are interested email me ifoptimist at gmail dot com. Hope you are feeling good today, in body mind and spirit. :-)

  4. Oh honey, even I (currently unpregnant kate) would throw up cottage cheese and cheerios. Even just thinking about it ..gah...

    Congratulations on letting the expired follistim go. Methinks it is symbolic as hell on the one hand, and on the other? I am so happy for you! Letting the old stuff go makes room for something new, so they say.

    like 20 jars of babyfood.

  5. eewww about the shower.....but good for you!! I didn't have any more refrigerated drugs, but I do still have a box of menopur and a whole full sharps container, currently sitting in our closet...don't ask :) some day I am going to have to do something about it, hmmmm....

  6. Well hell, congratulations! I have a fridge full of drugs from this past year and your post has inspired me to happily chuck the whole lot away on New Years Eve.

    I like the look of the blog by the way - much brighter!!

    And the shower comment - are you feeling better or is it still a vomitorium at your house?

  7. Congrats on tossing your meds (although not so much on tossing your cheerios). We still (hello? baby coming in 5 weeks) have a cabinet full of needles and alcohol swabs and almost-empty bottles of PIO and Lupron. I am very superstitious about throwing them away for some reason.

  8. Funny how we have this emotional attachment to these things. I haven't used drugs since JULY and I am finally just now throwing vials of things away and planning a trip to the hazardous waste drop-off site to get rid of my full sharps containers. So good for you - let it go and move forward!