Bite Down

Or bend over.

Today was one of those days when reality comes along and bites you in the ass. I made the $12,450 cycle deposit and boy did it hurt. It doesn't help that because my visa card was hacked earlier this week (and the account has subsequently been cancelled and the new card is nowhere in sight yet) I have had to cough up (or rather vomit up) alternative funds. And then there are the drugs next week. Yes, I knew all of this was coming. Yes, I was prepared. (Ok, well not necessarily emotionally it seems). It still effing pains me to do it.

On the bright side, I resumed acupuncture today. Uh-uhm, not with the last acuquack, as Super Doc calls her. But rather with the same person who did my previous embryo transfer. I have two more sessions next week, then I'm off to Top Doc's clinic and their own in-house acupuncturists.

So here we are. All in. And hoping for a stellar baseline next week to get the party started.

Bad Blogger

I have been such a bad blogger lately, that I hardly feel worthy of the award bestowed upon me by Mad Hatter. (She nominated me August 5th....that's how bad I've been). In any case, thank you. I love reading your blog too!


Rules:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging.
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award".
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

I've tried to pick first-time winners, sorry if I blew it.

1. Barefoot
2. Bon
3. IF Optimist
4. Can You Imagine?
5. Meinsideout
6. I Can't Whistle (I'm sure Kate's been nominated before?)
7. I Want A Station Wagon

And now for the 10 honest things...

1. I seriously wonder if this IVF crap will ever work.
2. I seriously wonder if Mr. W and I will ever be able to quit our jobs and just make wine.
3. I did not vote for our current Pres.ident. (Sorry, I know you all hate me now.)
4. I've never had a beer in my life. (Disgusting smelling stuff.)
5. My Visa card was just hacked for the second time in 12 months.
6. I would like to go back to school and get my MB.A but there's all this other stuff to deal with.
7. I find I don't enjoy being around most of my IRL friends now.
8. I've been avoiding this post because it's taking me forever to write 10 things.
9. I dislike talking on the phone.
10. I would have 25 cats if I thought no one would call animal control on me!

Marking Time & Making Lists

I'm finding that I'm starting to get consumed in this IF thing again. It's approaching rather quickly and now I'm in a rush to get the "to dos" done and the lists made. I'm going to be gone for almost two weeks at Top Doc's clinic and already I'm worried about Mr. W remembering to feed the kitties, pick up the mail, get to the bank, and still make it to work.

It seems everything else is falling into place, even if it's chaotic. The cycle is set. The OMC is confirmed and orders have been faxed. The boatload of prescriptions is awaiting pick up. And the hotel has confirmed my room request for a patio facing the pool and a fridge! I'm left with lists of stuff to take. Stuff to finish doing (uhm, like the 2008 taxes). Projects I want to take with me. Final logistics of getting there and back. Logistics of getting Mr. W there and back! And, well, a little anxiety on the side.

I'm already starting to miss the things I will miss while I'm gone. Our pool on a hot day (every day, lately). My purry friends. Cooking. And of course, Mr. W (and his kick-ass pizza). On top of that, the garden has got its full game on and I've been a canning fool - 20 quarts of dill pickles and 12 pints of bread and butter pickles. We've also done 12 cans of Mr. W's Alaskan salmon and 30 cans of fresh albacore tuna. The tomatoes, corn, potatoes, and onions are all rolling in quickly now. Not to mention the blackberries, figs, apples, and squash to follow. There is no way I will get it all done and clearly I will miss the best two weeks of the harvest. Yet another burden for Mr. W.

To top it off, we did not settle our court case at mediation earlier this month which means we are headed for trial in December. This really has been a big downer and has been the contributing factor to my past few weeks of mental funk. The financial stress of IVF and humongous attorney fees are taking its toll. We're "all in", as Mr. W says. And I hope we're left with something to show for it all in the end. At least we won't starve.

Houston, We Have A Winner...

Top Doc.

It just sort of worked out that way and over time, became the best choice. It wasn't the most convenient choice and it certainly wasn't the least expensive choice. But it's the choice that FELT right. So travelling 600 miles for the next IVF go round is the way it will be. My testing is complete and I've been approved to start, of course assuming I have a normal baseline. Mr. W and I even slipped out of town for a few days so he could make a cryo deposit at Top Doc's clinic. I am relieved that at least my favorite donor has a back-up now.

I'm on my third protocol this time around. The one for old hags (a.k.a. estrogen priming protocol). And as such, I have to start the estrogen following the next OPK + which means I won't be doing anything interesting until September. Top Doc's clinic is very orchestrated and everything is spelled out in detail. Including the brand of OPKs to use, which I drove all over town looking for only to find one box - probably the last box in the state. But I like this orchestration and structure. They do three times as many IVF cycles as my last clinic and they do complicated ones. So they must have something figured out. The best part of this protocol is NO STEROIDS. Can I just shout out how happy I am about this?

And so on our last quick trip to Top Doc's clinic I got to do a dry run on the routine. We stayed in the hotel I'll stay at. We walked the walk to the clinic to be sure I could do it when I'm fat and bloated. (Of course I can take a cab, but I'd rather not.) And I got to find where the nearby Zip.Cars live in case I want an outing. (I love using zip.cars as an alternative to renting a car when we travel.) I even spoke to the hotel about getting a refrigerator in the room for the meds, and requesting a room with a balcony or patio.

So it's a plan. And for now, I'm just happy to have one.

Not Cool

As in freakin hot. It has been 105 degrees for what seems like an eternity. You can fry an egg on the driveway, bake cookies on the dash of your car, and get a sunburn just looking out the window. Our air conditioning broke on Sunday (repaired on Monday thankfully), and the pool is 95 degrees (obviously without the heater on).

But what's REALLY not cool is the bill I got from RE Opinionator #3 for my consult. I was told the consult was $300 which I paid up front. This is the same price as the consults I have paid for at the other 2 clinics. However, the bill shows up today for $529. I am slightly miffed. And, I have a hunch this is what would be billed to my insurance company and would be reduced based on their contracted rate (which I KNOW they have). So really....should I be expected to pay any more out of pocket than the contracted rate they have with my insurance company, although I don't speficially have those benefits? I think not. But we'll see what THEY think. (After I let Mr. W call them. Tee hee.)

Not cool. Very not cool.

Purgatory

Disclaimer: Not intended to offend anyone older than me.

Ordinarily, my birthday is a fun day. The weather is pretty much guaranteed fabulous and one of my BFFs shares the same birthday.

Sigh.

Note the updated profile info on the sidebar.

Another sigh.

I am in birthday purgatory now. Caught between Scylla and Charybdis.

After 35, the IF world casts unfavorable glances your way. At 37, you start losing rights to discount plans, money backs, and shared risks. At 38, you move up a tier in the SA.RT data . At 39...well....you start getting the shoulder shrugs, especially after a failed cycle. You're technically still under 40 so you won't be thrown out the door. (Read the disclaimer.) You won't hear the gasps from the balcony yet. They will happily take your money to try again. Because it could still work, you know. But mentally, you are being pushed into the next column whether you like it or not. (Disclaimer.)

I have only been 39 for 36 hours. But two days ago, I was still 38. Is it possible my eggs crossed the point of no return over a weekend? Of course not. Is it possible they have arrived begrudgingly into a holding tank where their fate will be sealed by a roll of the dice? A flick of the magic wand? A click of the heels? An empty bank account? A lab's soured culture medium?

No Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore.

What Else?

Today was one of those days where you just have to say WTF?

For starters it was an OPK positive day. Great news overall, except my donor is fishing in Alaska. Or at least he was....until his BFF called me this morning to say he was taking Mr. W to the ER. Huh???

Apparently Mr. W had some excruciating amount of pain and decided he needed to go. I can only imagine how bad it must have been if Mr. W allowed himself to be driven to the emergency room. (Doctors are the worst patients.) Meanwhile, I'm a total train wreck but BFF calls to say they saw him right away and that Mr. W diagnosed himself (on the way to the ER) with a kidney stone. Turns out, he was right! A CT scan confirmed he had a 3mm stone in his distal ureter. They gave him some painkillers, a band-aid, and shipped him back out to finish his fishing trip. He comes home tomorrow - salmon, halibut, and a kidney stone heavy. So begins the process of getting the damn thing passed. (BIL is a urologist and wants to surgically remove it when he gets back. Uhm....no thanks...if possible. We don't need to be doing any unnecessary tampering with what jewels we've got to work with.)

As for me...I haven't really updated the GI issue, because well, I really don't have a lot of info yet. I'm still waiting for test results, followed by more results. To make matters worse, Top Doc's clinic (RE opinion #2)requires a slew of tests that my local lab managed to fucq up. So I have to go back for a redraw (as does Mr. W) and a repeat of the missed labs. Ok fine. But of course that doesn't move me to the head of the class anytime soon. And well, time's a ticking for August. Ticking right on by...

Ya know, if we could both just get our sorry asses healthy, maybe we could have a freakin kid or two.