Invitro Veritas

Air Travel Assvice

2010-09-27T15:51:00.000-07:00

By request...here are the finer points of some of the travel issues we encountered. Keep in mind our itinerary spanned four countries and ALL were different. I recommend checking with each place and/or airline you will travel with. This goes for hotels too.

1. Passports: Allow 2-3 weeks if you expedite them, otherwise allow 4-6 weeks. BOTH parents must appear in person with the infants when you apply. I highly suggest going to the post office, where they will take the photo and the application at the same time.

2. Airline info: Confusing at best. For domestic travel, infants under 2 in the the lap are free and are typically not ticketed. For international travel, there is a charge (usually 10% of the prevailing fare for your seat) and they are usually ticketed, sometimes with a paper ticket. Be sure you know which and how much before you book and keep your eyes out for the paper tickets in the mail. If you are using miles for your seats, the infant fares will still apply. Some airlines will let you use miles for the infant fare portion, some will not.

3. Seating: This is complicated. On MOST aircraft, if you have twins (or multiple infants) you and your spouse can not sit together in the same row, including across the aisle because of the number of oxygen masks available. Unfortunately, no one tells you this until you board and then you have to switch with someone, who is ultimatley inconvenienced. Some airlines will not let you occupy an aisle seat. And exit rows are out of the question. Plan ahead for this. If you are on a long-haul flight, you and your spouse will each need to carry a set of everything (diapers, bottles, etc) since you will not be next to each other. This can make for a miserable trip, so weigh your options carefully and identify which aircraft you will be travelling on ahead of time, keeping in mind that can change. If you are on a commuter-type plane, (for example flown by my favorite airline here on the West coast, Horizon Air) there are no oxygen masks on board because the aircraft don't fly above certain altitudes, so you and your spouse can sit together.

4. If cost and/or miles allow, fly First class or at least business class. Save up to do so if you have to. Here's why....
a) Often there are more oxygen masks available, depending on the configuration of the aircraft in first class and you can sit together.
b) trust me when I say you need the extra room to feed and wiggle around
c) bypassing the long ticketing/check in/security lines at airports when you're exhausted and have hungry/tired/wet infants with you is priceless. I mean priceless....
d) you have access to the airline's club lounge.....also priceless. This gives you a comfy place to set your stuff, feed and change the babies, grab a snack and beverage, and usually get additional assistance. On a long-haul flight, this can be the difference between you maintaining sanity and enjoying parts of your trip, or having a complete meltdown and suffer from exhaustion.
e) if you're going to buy business class tickets, shop around to see who has the best deal and the best ammenities for the airline/locations you'll be travelling. Business class seats are way more competitive than coach and there IS a difference in price, comfort, and conveniences.

In our case, we took an extra leg (plane change) to fly First class on British Air on the long haul portion of our flight. From the West coast, that's nearly a 10 hour flight to Europe. We used miles and paid the infant fares, however given the convenience we experienced, I would have paid out of pocket for Business class tickets and it would have been worth every penny had we not had the miles.

5. Practice buckling and un-buckling your seat belt at home while holding your baby. This is harder than it sounds. Some flight attendants will help, others will not. On domestic flights, most airlines require you to hold the infant unbuckled (while you are buckled). On international airlines, it varies. Ours gave us an extension with a loop to attach to our belt then buckle the infant in. There is a strappy harness device for infants that I rather like that is not approved by the FAA for use in the U.S. but is approved elsewhere. Baby carriers (such as the Bjorn) can be worn on board but the baby cannont be in them for take off or landing.

6. On long-haul flights, call the airline ahead of time and inquire about bassinets or "infant cots". Most have them. They attach to a shelf in the bulkhead walls. This means you MUST get a seat in the bulkhead rows. The down side is you have no storage under the seat in front of you. Again, plan ahead and see my details below about storage issues.

7. Double check your connections. Anything less than an hour is not acceptable when you're traveling with infants and in our case, travelling through Heathrow presented a challenge to make a 4 hour connection on the way home, after missing a flight with a 65 minute connection on the way over.

8. Take your own car seats and stroller and check them. "Gate check" is phenomonon in the U.S. only. You can wheel your stroller and/or car seats down to the gate and check them on the jet way and retrieve them there in the U.S. Not so elsewhere. Put luggage tags on them and pack them accordingly, then check them all the way through. Carry your babies in a Bjorn, or similar device. You can rent car seats with most rental cars but you need to request them ahead of time. Price varies from $40-75 per day, per car seat. Like I said, take your own.

A note on strollers: tandem is best all the way around. If you have a twin side-by-side, it will not fit into most hotel elevators in Europe or down the sidewalks. Moving through airports, security, the jetways, etc. would be a hassle too. Even in our case, the tandem one did not fit through the door of our hotel room without juggling it in at an angle. The doors are just too narrow. Also, buy the travel bag for your stroller and use it. Practice taking the stroller apart and packing/unpacking it in the bag at home a few times first. We have the Baby.Jogger City Select tandem twin which accomodates our Chi.cco car seats. The stroller comes completely apart and fits nicely in the travel bag that zips and has straps. On the way home, we were able to fill this bag with additional stuff and still stow the stroller in it.

9. Most foreign security checkpoints allow you to carry the baby through the scanner in the Bjorn. It varies in the U.S. Strollers are usually treated as wheelchairs if the they are the huge kind most of us twin parents have. Breastmilk and formula need to go through the xray in a tub, just like your liquids, however they don't need to be in a plastic bag. The quantity guildelines are a "reasonable" amount, per the TSA. In the U.S. and Canada you are not required to taste them. In the U.K. you are. They will randomly choose a bottle and ask you or you spouse to taste it.

10. Altitude changes: I suggest having a bottle ready for both take off and landing. Pacifiers work too, but the bottle is better. There may be some discomfort with the ascent and descent. In our case it was usually descent. We fed the babies or sat them up on our lap and tapped their backs to make them burp. These methods and/or the pacifier seemed to work. Remember if you are seated in that bulkhead row, you need to be wearing something with pockets to put the bottle and a bib in. And don't forget the pacifier straps!!!

11. Back-up plans: Our twins did remarkable on all of the flights. I saw people roll their eyes and groan when they saw us get on board, especially in first class. However, we made naysayers out of all of them. Our boys slept beautifully and had only an occassional peep. The trick is to keep them fed, changed, and let them sleep. That said, we did come prepared with a back up plan. I won't generally advocate the off-label use of meds, but because I'm married to an "expert" in the area, I felt comfortable bringing along the bena.dryl. If you choose to use this, obviously talk with your pediatrician first. And do a test before you travel. In our case, we tested each boy with a dose a week before our trip to be sure they wouldn't get wired from it - a possible, but uncommon side effect. In the end, we didn't need it, but it was a nice insurance policy. Since it only comes in 4 oz sizes, you will need to transfer enough doses to a smaller bottle to get it through security in your plastic bag. Bottom line - if your babies have colic, difficulty sleeping, or are not easily consoled using routine methods, seriously reconsider air travel at this point.

12. Double check that your hotel allows children and what, if any, the charges are. If you want a crib, ask about the price and reserve ahead. We traveled with our own travel bed and didn't need hotel cribs. (See my list of must-have gear below.) However, one hotel we ALMOST booked, did not allow children under 10. This was no where on their website or reservation system and I only found out after I emailed with this specific question.

13. Rent the largest car you can afford. Period. I have been known to reserve multiple cars at different agencies to be sure we get one that will work. (Remember you don't pay until you pick the car up and there's no charge if you don't.) However, I consistantly have the best luck with A.vis and Her.tz abroad.

14. All about breast-feeding and pumping: In one word - hydration. I can't stress this enough. Travel (especially air travel), stress, and climate changes are dehydrating. Expect your production to drop by as much as 50% and plan accordingly. Forget about pumping in your coach plane seat. You might get lucky and be allowed to tie up a bathroom for a half hour but who will hold the other baby unless you have an on-board bassinet? I was fortunate enough to be able to pump in our first class seats because they were private and we had bassinets. (Remember you will need a battery pack with batteries that are replaceable NOT rechargeable.) Pumping proved to be the most difficult part of our trip. If you are breast feeding, it should be easier but ours were on fortifiers since birth and had not done much breast feeding. Carry additional power sources for your pump, including the car charger (which saved us!) and a quality 3-prong power converter with a power regulator/modulator. The uneven electrical current blew my pump power plug on the first day in Italy (and the bottle warmer), despite using a converter. I was left with batteries and the car charger. Ultimately, my resourceful husband tracked down a 240/9 volt output plug that would fit my pump and plug into the walls in Italy, but I was seriously pumping in the car and blowing through the batteries for the first 2 days.

15. If you are a twin mommy and you carry a regular diaper bag, I salute you. If you decide to travel with your twins, ditch the diaper bag (and your purse) and use a backpack. I found 2 that I liked and I packed them each with a duplicate set of almost everything - one for me and one for Mr. W. I could write a whole chapter on packing. I had it down to a science before twins, and I think we did really well with twins. Both backpacks are designed as diaper bags. One is from DaD.Gear, the other is from Baby.Sherpa and holds a laptop next to the changing pad pocket. (LOVE THIS!). Swap your handbag for a small keychain type wallet, then hook it to the inside of your diaper backpack on one of the clips. I guarantee you, if you set all of your stuff down somewhere, you will not walk off without the diaper backpack. But you will leave your purse behind. Don't bring one.

16. Travel with a routine. Get it down before you go. Verbalize it to each other consistantly.
Ours went like this:

1) Dress in pocketed, loose fitting attire, and slip-on type shoes.
2) Be sure both back packs are stocked. Carry a snack or 2 for yourself and your clipped in wallet and cell phone. I use the front pocket or pouch of both backpacks as the "parent part." This way, you will always know where your own stuff is.
3) Put the Bjorn carrier on first, this should not have to come off between the car and the airplane.
4) Put the backpack on next. This will need to come on and off through security. Make your quart bag of liquids easily retrievable. Be ready to remove the breast milk and laptop still.
5) Put the baby in the Bjorn last.
6) Pull a single (small size) wheeled carry on if necessary. We did on the way over, but checked them on the way back. We carried 48 hours worth of everything in the wheeled carry-ons and 24 hours worth of everything in each backpack.
7) Go through your verbal checklist with your spouse every time you change locations (seats, planes, restaurants, cars, hotels, etc.) Our verbal list was: Passports, boys' plane tickets, cell phones, wallets, husband's insulin, and diaper backpacks/luggage count. We didn't move until one of us had pointed to or touched the item we called out. Sound crazy? It's not. Trust me.

17. Cell phones: In our house, it used to be that traveling was an adventure and that the comforts of home could be done without for a trip. With twins, I'm not of that opinion anymore, mostly from a safety and security standpoint. We both have global crack.berries that were easy to enable for use abroad, including text and emails. It was $70 per month (pro-rated only for the time were gone), plus 99 cents per minute to talk, 5o cents to send text, and 5 cents to receive text, and unlimited data (internet and email). Worth every penny. Budget for this on your trip, even if it's only one of your phones. If you don't have a global phone, your carrier should be able to either swap your SIM card before you go or "rent" you a global phone for your trip. Take care of this at least 2 weeks before you leave and verify it is working before you go. We only needed to make 2 short calls while gone, and used the text sparingly, but the email and internet access were priceless.

Now for the gear list - these are the items we found we "must have" and travelled with them. Some sound frivolous. All I can say is you be the judge on an international journey at 3 am with twins. You can google them on your own.

A) Pea Pod pop up travel bed by KidCO, folds to a 9x14 with pouch.
B) Sleep Sheep
C) Dad.Gear backpack diaper bag
D) Baby.Sherpa Alpha backpack
E) Samson.ite passport zip wallet
F) Infant tylenol and motrin (liquid items) ask your doctor about doses ahead of time
G)digital thermometer
H)Badger Balm (infant safe mosquito repellent stick)
I) Orajel teething swabs
J) extra quart plastic bags
K) swaddle wraps by Summer.Infant
L) disposable bibs
M) soap leaves, shout stain remover packets, and compact bottle brush
N) a kitchen towel or 2
O) Com.bi pod bouncer chair - we took this apart and it shipped nicely with the stroller in the stroller. I thought it was a luxury - turned out to be a lifesaver.

Hope this helps.........and you must all buy my book after it's written!

Crazy

2010-09-25T09:41:00.000-07:00

That was the word I was missing......

But alas, we have returned from our Italian adventure. And what an adventure it was. I have an incredible amount of advice to give if you find yourself travelling with infants, emphasis on the plural! So much so, that I must start penning a book soon! Overall, things went well and the boys did absolutely amazing. I forget, after being entrenched in IF for so long, that twins are still an anomaly in the rest of the world....that everything takes twice as long because everyone wants to stop and talk to you, and oooh and ahhhh, and ask questions.

Navigating airlines and airports can be tricky, especially when the airlines make promises they can't keep. That will be an entire chapter in the new book.

And for my next trick, we will take the boys on a cruise in December. Another chapter.......

Congrats to Sprog, who delivered while I was gone. And, to EB who delivered a few weeks ago while I was MIA. So happy you will both now experience this wonderment of motherhood.

Gutsy or Stupid?

2010-09-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

I'll let you know after we get back.

We are off to Italy tomorrow, with the now 4 month old noodles in tow.

Packing has been an experience. I think I need to write a book.

I am nervous. Excited. Overwhelmed. And thrilled. All at the same time.

Ciao, for now.

Fast Forward 10 Weeks

2010-07-22T23:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true. Noodles are 10 weeks old now. I can hardly believe it myself. To say I have been too busy to blog is an understatement. And although sleep deprivation has sucked (but getting better) I will take it and the joy of noodles any day over being pregnant.

I am overjoyed at having a life again. At getting up and down the stairs. At visiting parts of the house I hadn't seen in months. At driving myself around again in my own car. And, at marvelling at the wonder of these two little miracles who have entrusted me and Mr. W with their care.

The NICU experience (NICU nurses are amazing), coupled with the post c-section drugs overwhelmed me. I briefly wondered what I had done. And what had my body done to torture these two creatures into an early birth. I felt guilty. I was admittedly detached the first few days (it was clearly the pain killers and other things they loaded me with in the hospital.)

But I am smitten now. Noodles are 10 pounds and 8 pounds of crazy infatuation. Baby A spent 19 days in the NICU and Baby B spent 15 days. Their new names at home are peanut and butternut. They are happy with sweet dispositions. They eat well and sleep well. Despite Mr. W's dark Mediterranean features, they inherited my fair northern European traits. They have scarce blonde hair and blue eyes. They are sure to be heart breakers one day.

We have taken them on 3 overnight trips already, including a week long one to San Francisco. They did amazing. I am happy to get them acclimated to travel early and even happier to get US acclimated to travelling with them. We are lucky. These little guys have been gems. I am grateful every single day.

So here is my not so short list of the finer points of our new real world and any advice I could throw at anyone who is still reading:

* They are on a calorie fortifier still. Which means I pump milk as many times a day as I can possibly stand and then add little packets of fortifier before they are fed. This is a special fortifier whose cost resembles a serious latte habit - to the tune of $30 per day.

* I have 6 or more sets of breast pump parts. I line them up every day all assembled with bottles attached, then just use them up throughout the day. It means I only need to do a load of wash once a day and always have a set ready in the middle of the night. I use a hospital pump at home and keep a Med.ela backpack pump always packed for travel (and usually in the car) so I'm never scrambling to find it.

* We have different colored lids on the bottles to keep both boys separate since they are on different calorie mixes.

* I will likely burn up our munchkin bottle warmer one of these days. It is also a great nipple and pacifier sterilizer.

* For the first time ever, noodles wear the same size diaper. I figure this will last about another week. But for now, it means my diaper caddy doesn't have the little cardboard divider in it I made to keep A and B's sizes separate and easily located when I'm half asleep.

* Mr. W is a champ. He takes half of the feedings including the middle of the night. We try to let one of us sleep through one night feeding, but sometimes we both get up together and talk while we each feed a noodle (or a nut). We keep a dry erase board in noodles' room to track the time and quantity each took. It helps us out if we're alternating feeding duty and don't know who ate what when. It also helps us report to the nutritionist we consult with weekly.

* Noodles' diaper bag is a big backpack designed for diapering purposes. It's always packed with fresh supplies and a duplicate set of necessary things we have in their nursery. One day I will video record packing it and put it on youtube. It's really an art form!

* Despite AAP warnings, noodles share a crib. It's the cutest thing.

* Our favorite nursery items are the sleep sheep, classical music we play on CD at night, and the pod bouncer chairs from Combi. The chairs vibrate, play pre-programmed songs, and have an ipod hook up. I wish they had one my size. The boys love them and they are great to coax them back to sleep when needed. We are also big fans of the swaddle me wraps (a.k.a. kiddopotamus). For travel, we use a Pea Pod. It's a very cool travel bed with a self inflating mattress and tent like pod. It folds down into a 9x14 inch pouch. Put it on your list if you go anywhere!

* I can't say enough about the City Select stroller we got from baby.jogger. I know EB just got one too. It holds 2 chicc.o carseats in tandem and drives like a mercedes. It's also designed to accomodate a single baby.

*The coolest baby monitor ever is from summer infant. It has a color video screen and sound, with a visual sound meter in case you want to turn the sound down. It accomodates 2 cameras, one for each crib (when we use the second one) and has infrared, so you can see them in the dark. Since noodles sleep in their own room, it's great to peek at them without getting up or disturbing them.

* Finally, I caved and hired a nanny three days a week. She has been a huge help. Although I stay home most of the time, she gives me an extra pair of hands, freedom to pump when I need to, and the ability for me to try to put our lives back together after being on bed rest. She does their laundry, washes the bottles, and keeps their room cleaned and organized. The fact that I can get out of the house to run an errand or two is a bonus.

Happy Birthday Noodles

2010-05-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

My little personal goal when I was discharged from the hospital in early April was to make it to May before having to deliver noodles. And so, at my April 30th doctor's visit, Dr. J said it was time and May 1st would be the day.

Baby A was born at 8:10 am, weighing 2 lbs 11 oz and Baby B was born at 8:12am, weighing 3 lbs 11 oz. They were 34 weeks and 4 days gestation. Essentially, at my April 30th appointment it was apparent both babies were no longer growing and would do better outside. It was determined they both had IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction) and Baby A was also SGA (small for gestational age).

All of this aside, because they were past 34 weeks, they are behaving like 34 weekers and need minimal support in the NICU. They just need to put on some weight and regulate their body temperatures on their own.

This past week has flown by. I was kept in the hospital two extra days for some minor complications following the c-section but am finally home and getting better. Time management has become the biggest challenge. Since we live almost an hour from the hospital, daily travel back and forth has become a precious time waster. Staying on a pumping schedule, a meds and doctor visits schedule for me, the boys' feeding schedule, maintaining a realistic visitor schedule, and trying to get a meal and some sleep while driving back and forth daily is insane, at best. Forget about naps, grocery shopping, answering the phone, or anything else seemingly unimportant.

Still, the boys are growing every day and are doing really, really well. Baby B's canopy on the isolette was lifted yesterday and doctors expect he may go home as early as the end of this week!

To Bank or Not to Bank

2010-04-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

Happy note: 34 weeks tomorrow...and holding!

Long before noodles were in the picture and the propaganda started rolling in, Mr. W and I had discussed cord blood banking. It was mostly scientific and medically related conversation and had no relevance to any real-life situation for us at the time.

But as noodles continued to grow, the topic became more timely. We discussed it with one of our perinatologists, who felt it was still experimental and that private companies preyed on the fears of new parents. He felt the private banks were too expensive, and that public banks were a better choice, however there isn't one in our state. So in our usual fashion, we made a pro and con list that looked something like this:

Pros:

1) The technology is evolving daily. We don't know what cord blood and stem cells may be capable of doing in even the near future.
2) There is a 50/50 chance noodles' cord blood would be a match for me. And a slightly smaller chance there is a match for Mr. W or another family member.
3) Mr. W's pancreas was attacked by a virus or other autoimmune disorder when he was 20. There is otherwise no genetic history of diabetes anywhere in his family. These stem cells may be an option for him down the road, or for noodles if the same thing happens.
4) Mr. W's first cousin needed a bone marrow transplant last month. There were no matches in the family.
5) Because noodles are identical, the cord blood can be stored together, thus the potential to get twice as much for only one fee.
6) There is a courtesy professional discount available to Mr. W since he is in the medical field and there is a discount to lock in and pre-pay the storage fees.
7) The long-term cost, including processing, collection, and factoring in a pre-paid 25 year storage agreement works out to only a few dollars per month.
8) It's a relatively inexpensive 'possible' life insurance policy for two kids, with the possibility of benefit for one of us.
9) We can lose more money in one day in our 401k than the cost of this program.
10) There is no charge if the collection is insufficient for processing.

Cons:

1) The technology is still experimental.
2) The initial up front cost is still a chunk when you're trying to bring home 2 new babies on top of it.
3) There is a small issue of custody of the cells, should both of us die before noodles turn 25. It's similar to the embryo custody issue. We figure the cells would need to be addressed in the family trust.
4) There is another issue of custody after noodles turn 25. Since all of the cells would be stored together, which one of the noodles gets to decide when to dispose of them, or when to stop paying storage?
5) There is the possibility the cells could be lost or destroyed in courier transit, or a natural disaster could wipe out the storage lab facility.
6) It adds an extra layer of things for doctors to do in the OR while you're trying to have your kids delivered.
7) There are 30 or so private banks. Which one do you pick?

As you can see from our list, the pros outweighed the cons for us. I researched banks for awhile and narrowed it down to two. In the end, the one I picked (while more expensive) was the longest established one and was funding the most research and had been involved in the largest number of actual beneficial procedures with positive outcomes. Our kit arrived last week (not a minute too soon!) and is packed in noodles' bag o'stuff for the hospital. I am happy with our decision and hope we never need to use the cells ourselves, but they could still benefit someone else one day too.

Forced Parenting

2010-04-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

Note: We are still in a holding pattern...32 weeks and 3 days happy.

This post has been gathering steam for some time, so I apologize for it's length.

In my recent boatloads of free time I've been planning two vacations Mr. W and I want to take with the noodles. Both of them were vacations we intended to take anyway, but are now reworking to accommodate the little guys.

The first is to San Francisco in July. Noodles will be just over 2 months old. This was a scheduled visit to the Italian consulate we pushed back because we need noodles' birth certificates to finalize our Italian citizenships. This will be a travel "dry run" of sorts. Easy trip, familiar surroundings for us, and an opportunity to test out a nanny we've identified. Of course, we'll also wander our way 6o miles to the north, to my favorite place. Mommy is going through withdrawal and needs her wine. Mr. W and I joke that we must break noodles in the right way, so they will grow up to be good little winemakers.

The second trip we have planned is to Italy in September. I've spent the last few months researching travel needs and trying to work out potential bugs. Noodles will be close to 5 months old and if the nanny works out in July, she will travel with us on this trip too.

I've talked with a lot of people who travelled with infants, including multiples. Many have said it is the easiest time of all to take them places. These same people have well-adjusted kids who seem easy-going and flexible as they get older. A triplet mom told me that often whatever disasters she imagined were far worse than anything that ever happened. I'm sure she's right.

Then there is the other camp. The parents who cast a horrific look at me when I mention our plans and tell me I'm completely frigging nuts. These people lecture me about how I have no clue what I'm in for. They shake their heads, roll their eyes, or make reference to 'my lifestyle' not being so accommodating anymore. Interestingly, these people often never left the house for the first 6 years of their kids' lives. Their kids don't adapt well to change, outside stimuli, and generally behave crappy. And here's the real truth - in the majority of these situations, these children were accidents-popped out like little farts in the wind. These parents didn't battle IF. They were never told they couldn't have children. They never had something ripped out from inside their bodies. They never had something die inside and then carry it around for months afterward. Mr. W and I labeled them "forced parents." Now, I am sympathetic to hardships others encounter, but my sympathy runs thin when people talk about how they went off the pill and couldn't believe they got pregnant. Like, the next day. Well, WTF did you think would happen?

And this brings me to my favorite forced parenting story. I've been picking a friend's brain who had 'accidental' twins. Interestingly, she's had virtually nothing positive to say about the experience. She dishes me most of the crappy side of things, and rarely shares so much as a single glimmer of enjoyment. I've chalked this up to her odd personality traits and the fact that she gets pregnant just by casting a glance her way.

So the other day I decided to try a different route. Her husband stopped by to bring me info on a product he was selling that I asked about. I expected his usual cheery self to inject some humor into raising twins when I asked. However, when I expressed our extreme excitement and travel plans, he grimaced. His face sunk and then he stared at me like a deer in the headlights. He quietly suggested I wasn't prepared for what I was about to experience, then mentioned every time he comes home from a business trip, he walks into a disaster. He let out a big sigh, then got up and left.

As a last ditch effort, Mr. W decided to call the friend's husband. You know, just for guy talk. Mr. W half jokingly asks what advice he can give for raising twins since ours are coming soon. The friend's husband says, "Dude, if I had to go through it all over again, I'd run the other way."

We were both speechless. Is it possible we are that naive?

Formerly Boring Meets The NICU

2010-04-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

Apparently I stayed boring for about as long as I could.

Wednesday I was admitted to the hospital for what turned out to be gestational hypertension. After several labs and other tests, preeclampsia has been ruled out, for now anyway. However, doctors expect the hypertension to escalate over time and predict a delivery in the next 7-20 days.

Got your attention now, I bet! Yeah, got mine too !!

I am 31 weeks and 3 days today. Delivery will put us at 32-34 weeks. As a result, noodles will likely spend 2-4 weeks in the NICU. I have been given 2 courses of steroid shots to mature their lungs. Following a complete meltdown in the hospital (partially steroid induced I'm sure) in which I blamed myself, a friend who had three kids in the NICU including a set of twins, visited to help pull me back from the ledge. Yesterday Mr. W and I met with a neonatologist and toured the NICU. Highly recommend both of these events, if you find yourself headed in this direction.

Noodles are measuring 2lbs 12 oz and 3 lbs 8 oz. Yes, there is a widening difference in size. And yes, Baby A seems a bit behind in the 20th percentile. Despite all of this, doctors are optimistic about the noodles development and expect them to do well in the NICU. Baby B has hiccups now, almost every time after I eat. Baby A was practicing his breathing skills on my last scan. And the non-stress tests (NST) were fine. All of this is good news.

I am back home now, on full bed rest until delivery, with the exception of twice weekly office visits. I have stepped away from the ledge and am trying not to pour salt in my wounds. I don't feel panicked. Everything is ready for noodles when they come home and as 'less than optimal' as this is, I must admit I can't wait to meet them. Mr. W is like a rock. You would think after nearly 18 years of marriage, I would have every one of his personality traits analyzed to a T. But I find myself still amazed by the stuff he is made of.

My last matter of resolution is this blog. I have been pondering for several weeks now what to do with it. What started as an IF blog, has morphed into a pregnancy blog, and could very quickly become a blog about life with noodles - something I have decided against. I've considered protected posts, as some of you have done. I've considered just being "done". But there are a few of you I would like to share stories with and keep in contact with if you're interested. I think I can best accomplish this in emails. If you're interested in getting these emails and keeping in contact with me that way, please let me know. Drop me an email at speclk2 at hotmail dot com or leave me a comment with your email address. Comments left on my site must be approved before posting so I will not post your email address if you leave it there. Oh, and I'm still reading all of your blogs with great interest, I just haven't been commenting as much lately.

And the Winners Are...

2010-03-26T15:51:00.000-07:00

So in all of my "boring" free time, I've been shopping online and orchestrating the details for noodles' arrival (and all of this from a mostly horizontal position). Since we all seem to want to compare notes, product finds, etc, I thought I'd post my choices so far. No advertising intended here...just the results of my research and choices that suit our needs and lifestyle.

First of all, I ordered some clothes from a fellow blogger with triplet boys. The clothes are adorable and in excellent condition. If you're having a boy and want to pick up some items (what's left after I tore through her blog) then I highly recommend checking out Team Darnell's adorable stuff on her blogsite here.

Diapers: I'm put-off by the fact that disposables take 500 years to biodegrade so I've been looking for an eco-friendly but practical (realistic?) alternative. As it turns out, after all of my research, I discovered an excellent choice from a company based in my own hometown. Check out their website. They offer a flushable, compostable, biodegradable (in 56 days!) diaper liner that is inserted into their little pants that you throw in the washing machine. It's like a hybrid of disposable and cloth! Now, I haven't used them yet of course, but I sure like the concept and intend to give it my best efforts. And although they are available in my local stores too, you can get excellent prices and free shipping on them and other baby supplies from this website.

Stroller: I mentioned this item before and that there was a waiting list, but it just arrived and I must say, it IS the cat's meow. This is the real deal for people with twins and is also designed to be used as a single. It accommodates 2 car seats at the same time and is tandem instead of side by side. It's got the all-terrain wheels for active types and turns on a dime. And it has over 16 different configurations for seats, car seats, and even bassinets. Not to mention I think it folds more easily and weighs less than anything I looked at. Watch the video here and the video product review here.

Car Seats: I researched this one for quite some time. I read the reviews, checked out consumer reports and really narrowed it down to 3 brands that I felt were all about equal (and all 3 were compatible with said stroller above.) In the end, I think price won out and I picked the Chic.co Key.Fit.30 in Miro. I found it on sale at this place, which also has just about everything else cheaper and offers free shipping.

Organic & Natural: If you're into this (and I am even though I drive a gas-hogging SUV, with a carbon off-set of course) then you will like this store. They sell the diapers I mentioned, BPA-free bottles, organic and bamboo clothing and blankets, non-toxic and educational toys, etc.

Nursery: We decided on a Beatrix.Potter/Peter.Rabbit theme. We liked the tradition and the way it ties animals and the garden all together. (Remember the garden ???) We went with pale green and brown colors and we painted (ok Mr. W painted while I watched from a chair) their room in Devine Crunch. If you don't live on the West Coast, you probably can't find Devine paint. However, if you can find it, it's simply the best paint I've ever used. It's low/no VOC and the finish is designed to reflect natural light found in the Pacific NW. This is the fourth home I've used this paint in, and it's just awesome. Here is the website.

I hope you enjoy poking around these websites and find things that will work for you too. And by all means, share with the rest of us what you've discovered.

Officially Boring

2010-03-20T11:45:00.001-07:00

Dr. J said so himself yesterday at my 28 weeks (+2 days) appointment. So boring in fact, that they didn't even want to look at my cervix. (Mr. W said as we left that we should buy a lottery ticket!)

So all I have for you is stats on the noodles:

Baby A: Still transverse right on top of my pelvis coming in at 2lbs 3 oz.
Baby B: Transverse the opposite direction well above baby A and at 2lbs 8 oz.
Fluid levels: Both normal
Heartbeats: 140 and 150
Organs, cords, and boy parts all accounted for. Bladders and tummies both full.
My weight gain: 30 lbs
My blood pressure: 122/76 (amazing)
Blood work & urine: also boring (the nurse's term)
Other stuff: still vomiting, crazy constipation, some hand swelling, pelvic pain, short of breath, and a week-long headache. Still popping zo.fran, phen.ergen, folic acid, and calcium. Can't get the pre-natals to stay down so I skip them.

Dr. J is going on vacation for spring break and Dr. M's wife is having a baby this week, so I was instructed to go home and stay boring for the next two weeks. I can handle that.

Magic Number

2010-03-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

It's here. 28 weeks. We're here. Big sigh of relief...though not ideal by any means, but still.

So where have I been?

Well, four weeks ago Dr. M told me literally to go hide in a cave for 4 weeks. He said the next four weeks were crucial (something I know many of us have been told). He didn't want me doing anything. And Mr. W was adamant about me staying "down". (In fact Mr. W has ordered me "down" for 2 more weeks, just to be sure.)

And what have I done?

Well, I've only left the house for doctors appointments (with Mr. W), and an outing each Sunday accompanied by Mr. W which has amounted to me riding in the car while he runs errands or picks up gelato. :) I've been reading. I'm learning how to use a sewing machine. And, I've taken the opportunity to stock the nursery with the convenience of the internet. Mr. W painted it one day while I watched from a chair. After several bouts of discontinued and back-ordered items, it's ready.

It seems my super stroller is going to ship two months early after all, the car seats are on their way, and after months of research on diapers, I finally picked a brand and ordered up a month's supply which has arrived also. (More on this stuff later.) I also had an in-home haircut and color. I decided the hair dryer and I just don't have time for each other anymore, so I took the plunge and had my 9" pony tail cut off. I am donating it to one of the charities that makes wigs for cancer patients. (Once Mr. W gives the ponytail back to me.)

Fettuccine and Linguine are kicking harder these days (which I am often entertained by) and extreme bouts of nausea have returned. Vomiting with 5lbs of babies inside is a lot more work than before. I am out of breath a lot but still find lots of relief in the swimming pool - on the days I can get my fat ass and belly in and out of it. One trip on the stairs in the house is about all I can do. (I've fudged and done 2 a couple of days.) And I haven't been down the other flight of stairs in months. Mr. W commented the other day there were 2 rooms in the house he hasn't been in for 6 months. I said I haven't seen the whole third floor since October.

Aside from all of this, things are good. I passed my glucose test. My blood pressure has stayed down, and my cervix actually grew to 5.2 cm at my 25 week appointment. The doctors say this is a bit of an anomaly and I have one of the longest cervixes they've ever seen. No wonder my embryo transfers sucked so bad. They even joked that they would be inducing me at 47 weeks. I said, "NOT."

During the 4 weeks of cavedom, I've celebrated a blogiversary (1 year). BWUB, Meinsideout, and Can You Imagine have all had their babies - amazing blogs I have followed since the very beginning! My dear childhood friend has a healthy little embryo growing. MeKate has one too! (BIG shout out to her!) EB has 2 healthy lemons and has passed 12 weeks! And my almost neighbor and FB friend IFO has passed the 25 week mark and is almost home free.

Did I ever think a year ago I'd be celebrating all of this? Truth be told - no. And I still have to pinch myself daily. But I have an ever-expanding belly and some kicking noodles to prove it.

Silly Nurse & The Weenie Whacker

2010-03-08T09:13:00.000-08:00

Where have I been? I'll save that for another post. For today, I thought a Monday funny was in order. You know, just to kick your week off with a giggle.

At my last appointment, nurse of the day was running through a checklist of things to see if I had completed them. Sadly, I hadn't done most of them, but I am doing the most important job of all, which is incubating the noodles. Did you read the book we gave you? No. Fill out the pre-registration sheet and mail it in? No. Sign up for classes? No. Choose the babys' doctor? Ok, I did that one. Circumcisions? I paused.

Flashback to several months ago, shortly after we found out noodles were boys. One night out of the blue, SuperDoc reared his head. "Well".....he proclaimed...."I guess I'll be the one doing their circumcisions. I've seen most of the handy work in this town, and frankly, most of it sucks." I don't know much about these things, but apparently appearances are an issue and SuperDoc is often asked to re-do the circumcisions that others have done. They're either too long, too short, lop-sided, or have ridiculous scars. "Ok," I say. (Like I'm going to argue with that one??)

So nurse of the day is waiting for my answer on this one. Calmly, I say my husband will be doing them. And I wait for the rebuttal. Will she take up ethics issues? Office policies? Blah blah blah?
She pauses, then giggles. "I'm going to write 'Dad Doing' in the chart." She says. "That oughtta be good for a few laughs and questions around here!"

I like her.

Advice Taken

2010-02-22T13:42:00.000-08:00

First off - congrats dear MeKate!!!!! Her recent post left my jaw on the floor with the excitement!

Now for the advice. Most of you said get busy on the baby room. Ok, I'm on it. Others advised (in their own posts) if you think you need to call the doctor, just DO IT.

Last Monday I went back for the fluid check and all was fine. Baby B wasn't being such a placenta hog anymore and the amnio fluid levels were fairly even and generous.

Fast forward to Friday when I decided to meet a client in the afternoon. Mr. W had conveniently offered to drive me. As I got into the car, I started having contractions. But me being me, I figured it was no big deal, they'd go away, and that would be it. As we drove along, Mr W suggested I call the doctor. It was afterall, a Friday. It would be easier to get answers or help if needed before the weekend. And so I did. And they wanted me to come in right then.

Of course they hooked me up to the monitor and of course, by the time I got there, nothing was going on. Ok, well there was one small contraction and a few blips on the page which they said amounted to a crabby uterus. Uh, could it be because I had been coughing up both lungs for the past week? Uh, yes, it could.

The good news is that my stubborn cervix should continue to save the day. They measured it again and found it was a whopping 4.8 cm. Doc of the day said as a result, I have a less than 5% chance of going into labor before 32 weeks even if the uterus continues to be cranky, but that they will likely do a c-section around 34 or 35 weeks. Ok then! I can handle that!

I'm not on official bed rest, but I'm in take it easy mode, with no unnecessary trips on the stairs. It's not all peaches and cream, but being confined to the bedroom doesn't completely suck. I have a nice flat screen, a fireplace, a sofa, a deck for fresh air, a view of 2 gorgeous snow-covered mountains, and a wet bar that Mr. W stocks for me every morning. I am catching up on emails, hanging out on Face.book a little more, shopping online, playing with the purry ones who adore the fact that I am in permanent lounge mode, and making lists. I'm about to start on a couple of books too. On the good days, I will use my stair trip to get into the swimming pool. And for the first time in about 18 years, I won't be working!!!

It's starting to hit me. HOLY SHIT people! Noodles are coming in about 9 weeks!

Side note: Some of us have been bantering back and forth about twin strollers. I went with the Baby.Jogger City Select. Goo.gle it and watch the video or see the review at babygizmo.com. It's brand new and there is a waiting list. If you want one, order it now. I liked it because it's all terrain, has over 16 different configurations, and accommodates 2 car seats at the same time. It's also lighter weight. Not an advertisement here, I'm just sayin.

Kickers

2010-02-15T09:39:00.000-08:00

I've got some kickers. Mr. W thinks maybe football kickers even! I have felt kicks and pokes here and there for the last couple of weeks. But last night Mr. W got to feel them. It was truly amazing and even Mr. W, in all of his calm and smarts, was in awe.

All of this made the nasty virus I have caught bearable. I didn't take any drugs (except zo.fran for obvious reasons) until yesterday. It became apparent that the alternative was to die trying to breathe while coughing up a lung full of green stuff. So I caved and am taking ty.lenol for the raw, sore throat and aches, and suda.fed for the head and ear pressure. Thankfully, there is no fever and I'm negative for strep although I have lost most of my voice. Sleeping upright in bed is a lot of fun....er not sleeping at all rather. Instead I watch the clock all night. Get up every 2 hours to walk around, cough up some stuff, have some water, and suck on a Ricola.

Today is the fluid check for noodles. We'll see what else Dr. M can come up with for me, the sickie.

22 Week Update

2010-02-11T10:57:00.000-08:00

I'm a week behind on this post. I'm actually 23 weeks but my last appointment was last Friday.

I had an abbreviated growth scan and noodles were looking good. However, when the tech did the fluid measurements, I caught right away that Baby B has twice as much fluid as Baby A. Of course, I knew what this COULD mean, but I really wasn't that freaked.

And clearly Dr. J knows that I know too much for my own good because the first thing out of his mouth when he came in the room after the scan was, "You do not have twin to twin transfusion. I just want to make that clear." I laughed and said, "you know I saw the fluid measurements and thought I was panicking?" Yes, he said. He went on to say that although Baby B is being a placenta hog and is 3 ounces bigger than Baby A, everything is normal, including both fluid levels and their gestational measurements. BUT...and there was a but....they want to start checking it every 10 days just to be sure it doesn't change significantly. And he reassured me that even if it did start to change, I am far enough along that it shouldn't become a major issue. Ahhh. Insert deep breath here. And, it seems the risks associated with the lost Baby C have largely passed. Insert another deep breath.

So here we are. And here are the stats:

Vomit: Yeah, still at the top of my list. Still taking 8 mg zo.fran once a day and 12 mg phen.ergen at night.
Weight gain: 23 pounds
Other fun side effects: Constipation, out of breath on the stairs, gas bubbles everywhere inside, congestion, and these 4 lovely striped stretch marks appearing below the belly button. Oh, and I can't forget little noodles' kicks and pokes.
Belly Button: In, but the barbel piercing now sits on top of my belly & it looks funny sticking out of my clothes.
Food aversions: everything, but I'm hungry all the time.
Food cravings: none
Baby A: 14 ounces, transverse above my pelvis
Baby B: 1 lb. 1 ounce, transverse above Baby A
Cervix: 4 cm (down from 6cm at 18 weeks)
Work: Mostly half-time, or half-assed, depending on how you look at it.
Swimming: The mild weather has been great. Last week I swam every day. This week it's raining, and I'm a wimp.
Baby room & stuff: Not yet. Although I'm working my way toward the realization that I need to get going on this!
ETA: Dr. J would love to see me go 37 weeks. I'll be surprised if that's the case, so I've set my mental sights on 35 weeks. It helps me get through these pre-viability weeks and keeps me focused. That means May 5th is on the brain...only 12 weeks left to go!

Nugget Box

2010-02-02T08:45:00.000-08:00

It's my 100th blog post! (Ooooohh, ahhhhhh.) And I'm 22 weeks! (insert big grin here) and as such, I will dispense with the whining for the day.

I have been assembling a little box for nuggets (affectionately known as Linguine and Fettuccine since they're bigger than nuggets now!!) It's a cute bamboo box with a cloth liner and lid. When it's full (which it almost is) I will put it away for nuggets until they are older.

Here is what's in the box so far:

-All the records (2 binders worth) from my IVF cycles.
-An empty box or vial of each drug I've ever taken since this started, and its package insert. I figured if they find out in 20 years that zo.fran causes weirdness, nuggets should know their mother popped it like candy.
-Mr. W and I were marvelling the other day that few parents have pictures of their kids as embryos. So I have the embryo pics and of course, the ultrasound pics in there.
- All of the positive pee sticks.
-A copy of this blog. Should nuggets decide to become assholes one day, maybe reading my blog will make them think better of it.

And the beauty of all of this boxing? It means I am cleaning up this stuff that has haunted me for months and years. I am packing this baggage away to be opened later, under different circumstances. I am cleaning off the wet bar counter in the master bedroom (command central for the last year), the nightstand, the bathroom counter, and everywhere else IF has accumulated. I sent left over saline vials and needles to Mr. W's office. I have tossed the royal jelly and Chinese herbs, and flushed what was left of the DHEA. Nuggets' box will be all that remains. And although I'm tempted to throw the box to the bottom of the ocean, I will keep it on a shelf for the noodles to ponder over another day.

Stuck & Grumpy

2010-01-28T16:18:00.000-08:00

I have been stuck about what to post lately. I've had a few ideas, but I'm finding myself a little grumpy and so I didn't want to be such a drag. Sigh....so I'll recap a few tidbits of the past week. Sorry...it might be long or boring. Or both.

21 weeks: Hard to believe we are this far, but we are. And, as excited as I am, I have been miserable too. Sore. Sick. Out of breath. Blah blah blah and see below.

Texas Turd: This is a new phrase in our house. Admittedly, I have plugged the toilet a few times recently. Yes, I'm quite embarrassed to post that. But last night, I flooded the toilet in the master bath. Water ran through the floor to kitchen below. A perplexed Mr. W came to my rescue and grabbed the mop out of my hand just in time for the gag reflex. I reminded him there are 3 of us using my facilities. Then I went to cry.

Lesson in Parenting: A few nights ago number 1 nephew phoned. At 2:30 in the frigging morning. I've mentioned him before. He just started his first post-college broadcasting gig for a news station in an adjacent state. At first I thought he was just shooting the shit with Mr. W (who answered). I was peeved. It was the middle of the night. I know he gets off work late, but the rest of us don't. Then Mr. W passed me the phone. I say hello and nephew says "hey" all chipper, then starts to cry. He is homesick. He hates his new city. Hates his job. Doesn't know what to do. I suggest he could quit and deal with the consequences (he is under contract). He could come home more for visits. (It's a 6 hour drive and he's not making enough for lots of plane tickets yet). I tell him it will get better and give him some suggestions for ways to cope with the change. He calms down a bit, says he wants to come by and visit soon. We hang up and I lay awake all night thinking about this kid. And then I scope out his face.book page the next morning to see what else is up. And herein lies the lesson, although I haven't quite deciphered what it is yet. Nephew called US. Not his dad (Mr. W's brother) or his wacko mom (they're divorced). So how do you keep from fucqing your kids up in the head? There is a reason he didn't call his own parents. I don't want my kids to have that reason.

Politics: I avoid this one in my blog but I am pissed beyond belief. Our state just voted in 2 outrageous tax bills this week. They affect only 3% of the population, but we are snagged in them both. On top of that, the Bush tax cuts expire at the end of this year, and our city put a tax in place last year on people in my profession. By the end of this year, we will have a 10% increase in our income tax. This has made me grumpy. Mr. W wants to move but there is no way we will sell our house. The thing that pisses me off the most is it's not about the money. It's about the way it's being managed, and the way politicians and voters have singled out certain groups of people.

Happy Thoughts: After all of this, I thought it appropriate to end on a happy note. My childhood friend I mentioned awhile back is having her transfer tomorrow. I am so excited and hopeful for her. She has had a smooth cycle and I hope it continues. Happy, sticky thoughts to you, my dear!

Fair Warning: Another Post About Vomit

2010-01-18T09:25:00.000-08:00

Two nights ago I awoke in the middle of the night to a horrific sound. It was one of the purry ones barfing on the floor next to my side of the bed. I've seen my share of cat vomit over the years. It comes with the territory and is usually managed quite well with proper diet and brushing.

But something must have crawled inside Mr. Mitten and died. It was the most heinous, foul-smelling, projectile laden stuff I have ever seen. I jumped out of bed thinking I could quickly clean it up while it was wet and so I ran half asleep to grab toilet paper to throw on top of it.

Wrong.

I returned to the scene of the crime only to vomit in my own hand. And so I ran back to the toilet to finish the job. When I thought I was done, I went to the bathroom sink to clean myself up only to continue vomiting profusely in the sink. By this time, I had several lights on and had made enough noise to awaken Mr. W from his slumber. He jumped out of bed to find the floor covered in cat disaster and the bathroom sink filled with mine.

"WTF?" Was about all he could say.

It quickly became apparent this would not be a quick-clean-up-and-go-back-to-sleep type of night. The mess and smell were so bad we couldn't leave it and we couldn't easily clean it. Mr. W dug the steam cleaner out of the closet and proceeded to clean the bedroom carpet for what seemed like eternity. The smell was so bad I had to stick my head under the sheets.

Poor Mr. W. After being a champ with the carpet he tackled the sink. I had clogged it completely so he dismantled the drain to clear it. Still, the smell from Mr. Mitten permeated the whole room. I realized there was no way I could sleep there so we packed up the pillows and moved into the guest bedroom. Not knowing what else may eject from the kitty, we shut the door and kept them out, only to listen to them paw and meow outside the door for the rest of the night.

Nesting

2010-01-12T09:21:00.000-08:00

Someone in this house is nesting. I'll give you a hint. It's not me (yet). And it's not the purry ones.

Sunday, Mr. W and I decided it was time to tackle the ominous task of stroller and car seat shopping. It's still early, but I wanted to do it while I was feeling decent and before we were under any pressure to make a decision. What started as a casual trip to the baby boutique and lunch, turned into and all day affair followed by dinner.

As a reward for dragging Mr. W around and for his constructive input on the matters, I took him to his favorite gourmet market so he could get some caviar. On the way, we side-stepped into his favorite Italian linen store. Now, although Mr. W likes to bake and sew, he is a man's man. The garage is full of camo gear and the house wreaks of testosterone during hunting and fishing season. And since there is something to hunt or fish for all year round....well, you get the picture.

But I digress.

If there is an obscure indulgence Mr. W enjoys (besides caviar) it's Italian linens. The store is having a sale (if you could call it that) so we wander through. There is a heavenly bed ensemble that we both are drawn to (not on sale of course) and so I drool over it for awhile, then decide to leave. It's really not the time for frivolous matters and we have a lovely collection on our bed from this store already.

But Mr. W is not having any of that. He summons the sales person ("bed designer") and tells her we want the whole thing. The sheets, the Euro shams, the regular shams, the coverlet, the silk duvet cover, and the silk throw. My jaw hits the floor. The salesperson runs to get her little book of swatches and stuff while trailing off that the fabrics are custom dyed per order and so the wait time is at least 8 weeks.

"Perfect," says Mr. W. He turns to me and smirks, "We're looking to come off of this baby thing strong, you know." (A line from one of his favorite movies.) And then it hits me.

For weeks now, our bedroom has been turned upside down by my humidifier, various medicinal accoutrements, and bottles or cups of whatever I can eat or drink. The bed is stuffed with old pillows every which way, and other things rolled up and twisted to make me comfortable. What was a gracious retreat, is now a fun house for a whiny pregnant lady and her jilted servant.

And so it occurs to me that Mr. W misses his wife.

There is a woodpecker that bangs on the flue of the fireplace in our bedroom from time to time. It's an obnoxious sound that echoes down the fireplace and throughout the bedroom. Fortunately, it only happens one time a year. I've been told that male woodpeckers make their nest and then summon their mate (by banging on our fireplace) to come inspect it. If she doesn't like it, she leaves.

The arrival of the new bed linens, shall almost coincide with nuggets' arrival. Me thinks Mr. W is preparing to fluff his his nest - to welcome his wife back.

18 Weeks

2010-01-11T09:16:00.000-08:00

It's a milestone. I don't know why exactly, but it just feels like it is.

Last week was the big ultrasound - the anatomy scan - the 3-hour appointment from somewhere that could resemble hell, but wasn't really.

They took 176 pictures of nuggets! All the organs, the arteries, the brains, measured the bones, the fluid, and any thing else they came across. It was really incredible. I even got the tech to do a 4-D picture even though it's too early. The boys were busy and are right on track for their age. Which means I got cut some slack about not gaining as much weight as is recommended. Clearly the boys are finding something to eat, even if I can't! And there are no signs of TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome) found with identicals.

All is well. My blood pressure is normal, and I'm not spilling anything in my urine. It was some massive relief for me. I am still sore, short of breath, congested, and nauseous. But Mr. W says I am being a wuss. There is nothing wrong with me and I need to get over it!

The doctors are watching for signs of infection from the lost triplet. It was still visible on the ultrasound and is sitting near the top of my cervix. Dr. J said this was to be expected and everything looks good so far. However, any irritation or infection would likely crop up in the next 4 weeks. I am still breathing a small sigh of relief. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but thankfully my cervix has a history of being overly stubborn - something that should serve this situation well. Not only does it have a curve, but Dr. J said it was one of the longest they'd seen. OK, TMI, but damn it's nice to finally have something going for me!

Don't Let the Door Hit Ya...

2010-01-04T11:16:00.000-08:00

...on the way out, 2009. I couldn't wait to see the past year go buh-bye. Ironically, for the first time in 20 years, I had no champagne, no social activity, and didn't even stay up until midnight.

Instead, my new year's eve went something like this.

I lounged on the couch watching the news while Mr. W made dinner. I was feeling pretty decent overall, had taken my zo.fran on schedule, and had a nice snack. And then, I opened my mouth to say something? cough? burp? I'm not really sure, but all at once I hurled all over myself, quite unexpectedly. I jumped up from the sofa and ran to the bar sink while vomiting in my hand along the way. While finishing the job in the sink, I peed my pants. By the time I was done, I was covered in vomit and pee. It was one of the most pathetic things I have ever seen or done and I'm rather embarrassed to even blog about it. But internets, I wanted you to start the year with a good laugh...at my expense.

Poor Mr. W. I could imagine the things going through his head. Is this my wife? Will this be my wife in 40 or 50 years as an invalid? Is this ever going to get better? Did we really want kids? All he could do was grimace and say "Are you OK?" "Yes," I squeaked as I coughed up the last chunks, thankful I had decided to install a garbage disposal in this sink, almost as an afterthought. I peeled off my clothes and left them in a pile in the middle of the floor. As I waddled upstairs to take a shower, I remembered the story Meinsideout told of vomiting all over her blackberry and new party dress in the car one night. At least I was not alone.

Cheers to 2010.

A Few of My Favorite Things

2009-12-28T15:13:00.000-08:00

I watched the Sound of Music last night and it prompted me to make a list of my "new" favorite things.

1) Maternity underwear
2) A humidifier in the bedroom
3) My favorite place to be - the bathtub
4) A step stool into bed (which the purry ones now enjoy using also)
5) Fiber powder in my drinks
6) Feeling what I think is a little poke inside
7) Getting through the day without vomiting
8) Dr's approval to drink c.oke to settle thy stomach
9) Not paying a bill for IF for 3 months in a row now
10) Kissing 2009 good bye and good riddance

And the verdict

2009-12-22T14:42:00.000-08:00

Interesting that the majority of you voted for girls.

I had my own ideas, based on how sick I've been (Hcg levels are typically higher in males) and based on some little embryology research I had done a few months ago (faster dividing cells are more common in males). We had one embryo that was dividing ahead of schedule and was dividing as they transferred.

And must have been the one to continue dividing after implantation because we are having BOYS! We are totally excited. I rattled off a list of things to Mr. W that I think makes having boys fabulous:

1) No hair, make-up or nail issues
2) No fighting over the bathroom
3) Less drama
4) No weddings to pay for :)
5) No other female hormones to deal with in the house besides mine!

A colleague (who suffers horribly from Florence Nightingale syndrome) has already given them Christmas gifts. (She had to be the FIRST.)

And ok, my confession. I caved and bought one thing. It's a book I saw in a cute little shop the day after my retrieval. I remember looking at it and wishing one day that I could read it to the little nugget(s). I figured it was a pipe dream and forbade myself from buying it for fear of jinxing everything. This whole time it has been the only little baby thing I could think about so I broke down and finally ordered it. I really wanted to go back to the little shop and buy it in person, but that's probably not very realistic at this point. You can see it here.

Merry Christmas everyone, especially EB, whose Christmas gift of a big fat positive, just arrived!

The Closet

2009-12-12T12:28:00.000-08:00

I hate shopping.

Bless the internet, because I have been able to avoid live shopping for years.

But the situation in my closet has changed all of that, at least temporarily. I have been segmenting clothes in the closet into categories:

Those I won't see again for a very long time.
Those I can squeeze into now for the last week and will likely want sooner after the party is over.
Those that have opportunity left in them for maybe a few more weeks and am willing to stretch and destroy as necessary.

The latter category is seriously lacking, thus requiring a visit to the maternity store yesterday.
With Mr. W in tow, I was able to quickly whirl through the store, try on as many pieces as I could, and escape with a few versatile options. But not before the salesperson tried to sell me more pants, lotions, a college savings plan, some restaurant thing, and who knows what else. Plus, in order to make my damn purchase, I had to register my name, address, phone number, and due date. WTF???

Fortunately, I think I did enough size and style analysis that I won't have to go back and can internet shop once again as needed.

And Then There Were...

2009-12-07T10:41:00.000-08:00

Two.

We lost Baby C, our singleton, last week. An ultrasound showed the heart had stopped.

The twins look good and we are grateful for them. Inside the sadness and grief is hope and optimism. Hope that the other two will continue on a healthy journey, and optimism about the improved prognosis for them and me.

Post Turkey Day Post

2009-11-27T14:27:00.000-08:00

I had the CVS awhile back. It was a miserable procedure, to say the least. And something I've decided not to blog a whole lot about but I'll give you the nutshell version. First we met with a genetic counselor who presents statistics and things. Then they prepped my for the procedure which is either done transcervically or transabdominally. Because I have two placentas in two different places, I got one of each. It was not nice. I grimaced through the transabdominal one, but the transcervical one maxed out the pain scale. I forewarned the peri ......speaking from two miserable embryo transfers and a laminaria from hell. He just laughed....until he got to size up the situation. When it was over, I asked Mr. W to pass the wine. To which the peri replied..."I won't tell if you won't!" I like him. Even if he's rough with long needles. Results will still be awhile yet, so I'll just leave it at that.

Happily, I swam in the pool yesterday morning. It felt amazing, although it was a bit chilly and raining out. And I managed to survive two Thanksgiving dinners without tossing anything. Although I paid dearly for it this morning.

And reasons why the cat's out of the bag:

1) I am 12 weeks (+2 days now)
2) I have a very obvious protrusion (as all family members pointed out yesterday)
3) To see me at a holiday event (or anywhere for that matter) without a glass of wine in my hand is sacrilege. Nonetheless, I am still asked to choose the wine for everyone else.
4) Admission to Super Doc's hospital for fluids is just too juicy to keep quiet.

What the Peri Said

2009-11-23T10:55:00.000-08:00

I have slipped a week or better behind on the updates. Partly because the vomiting has gotten the better of me again, and partly because it seems like I've been in the doctor's office daily and can't get anything else done.

My first appointment with the perinatologist was just over a week ago. The appointment was split into 2 days, primarily because I was continuing to have bleeding and they wanted to get me in for the u/s earlier. The u/s was fine. All were happy and bouncing around. There was evidence of some fluid collection near my cervix - likely the blood. And it looked like there was still a subchorionic hematoma on one side, that would hopefully just bleed out. I was also told bleeding occurs in almost 100% of triplet pregnancies, for reasons that really aren't known. The good news was that the twins are di-amniotic - meaning although they are sharing a placenta, they each have their own amniotic sacs. This improves their survival rate tremendously.

I have 2 amazing peris - Dr. J and Dr. M. Dr. J went to medical school with Mr. W. He is the procedure guy and does all of the testing. He is methodical and has a quirky sense of humor. Dr. M has been around forever and is considered "the" expert in town. He has an incredible bedside manner and Mr. W has known him for a long time. Dr. M did the consult portion of my appointment the day after the ultrasound.

Admittedly, I was nervous about the consult. About hearing all of the risks again. About hearing how difficult it will be. About how the outcome can be bad. But Dr. M was the face of optimism and confidence. He said their goal is to get me to 32 weeks. (That means the ETA is April 15th!)They would be satisfied with 30 weeks and 34 weeks would be a bonus. He said they are conservative and will put me in the hospital with the slightest hint of a complication. He said I should expect to be in the hospital for the last 2 weeks anyway. He also said I should have a hospital bed delivered to the house around 24 weeks. I must have had a look of fear on my face because then he said, "trust me, you will love it!"

Dr. M talked a lot about planning. Planning for help, planning not to work, planning how to manage around the house and being in bed, about not using the stairs, etc. We had most of that nailed down already and reviewed our game plan with him. He seemed relieved that we were on top of it and that we had thought about all of this ahead of time. Dr. M is hopeful that the bleeding will stop in the next couple of weeks. He said as soon as it does, he would like me to swim every day if I can. He said it's not only good, low impact exercise, but studies show that being in deep water can assist in compression and edema reduction. Apparently that's why you always have to pee when you get out of the pool!!! Who knew?? I am looking forward to swimming all winter, but not the bill for heating our pool! Mr. W and I pondered asking for a swimming rx to see if our insurance would cover the heat bill.......

And then the hard part..... Dr. M wants me to gain between 50 and 75 pounds. Holy.shit. He said I'm off to a slow start and need to kick it up a notch. This one baffles me. I just can't get enough food in me to come close.

It was a crazy, long 2 hour appointment, but Mr. W and I left feeling relieved and confident. And from a purely selfish perspective, since our insurance company has been such an asswipe to us the past year, we are looking forward to sticking them with the bill of 3 preemies in the NICU for a few weeks.

Dear Followers

2009-11-17T10:43:00.000-08:00

I've had this post lingering in the back of mind for awhile. And a belated welcome, new followers, including Fertility Chick, whom I've "seen" around here and there. I'd also like to welcome a new (and anonymous) follower, although I am sorry she is joining the ranks of us. She is a dear childhood friend, who I have just learned will be starting IVF in January. As such, I thought I'd take the opportunity to show her around. You know, introduce all of you to her, and probably corrupt her innocent visions of IVF with our foul-mouthed, jaded ones.

Grab a beverage. This is going to be a long post. But, if we're bloggy friends, you might be entertained by what I have to say about you...so read on! Oh, and these are in no particular order!

EB @ IVF 40+ I am certain EB and I were friends in a former life in old world Europe. We share views on spiritual matters, a love of chocolate cake & kitties, and disdain for political crap in corporate America (mine being former). She is real and so supportive, and some days I read her posts with an English accent in my head to get the full flavor. EB is preparing for her second donor egg cycle, and is more than overdue for her turn at parenthood. (Also, Mr. W's favorite tea shares the name of EB's hometown!)

Sprogblogger: Sprog is a gifted writer - one whose posts should never be missed. Sprog's rap sheet reads like the Who's Who of IF. (Sorry Sprog, not an award you want.) She is an analyst, a thinker, a researcher and yet she is emotional too. I love they way she *snorts* in her blog and comments. IMO, Sprog would be better suited on the West Coast near me or IF Opt, as I think NY is not kind enough to her. Sprog is starting her first DE cycle and is so deserving of success.

MeKate @ I Can't Whistle: I think Kate has an incredibly bright second career ahead of her as a poetry or prose writer. She is emotional and raw and so humble. She says the sweetest and most thoughtful comments on everyone's blogs. I don't know how she does it. She once told me she barfs up her posts. I wish I could barf like she does. Kate also has the most amazing variations for use of the F word. Even more than me! Kate's got a miserable IF rap sheet too, on top of dealing with incredible pain & loss in her life. She just had an embryo transfer yesterday and we all hope this is the one for her.

Lisa @ MeInsideOut: Lisa pulled me up out of the deep dark hole I was in on more than one occasion, all the while she was in the same hole herself. After lots of IF misery & RPL, Lisa is 21 weeks with twins! She is probably the only person who has been as sick as I have. And I think she has that same little guilty feeling I do about posting in the new persona of a whiny pregnant lady.

Dawn @ Can You Imagine: Dawn is the poster child for pretty-n-pregnant. She looks like a model at 26 weeks. (I, on the other hand, am starting to resemble an orca.) She also has none of the crazy side effects. I am so jealous! Dawn always has the sweetest comments and reminds me that taking this blog from IF to PG is a challenge.

Barefoot And (Finally) Pregnant: I think this was the first blog I started reading. Barefoot sucked me in with her uncanny sense of humor and ability to comically post about this whole nightmare. Barefoot continues to crack me up every time I read, though at 35 weeks now, her posts are thinning. I once told her I could write a whole post about the things she says! She reminds me a lot of myself...she shares Top Doc's city, she was stupid enough to remodel her bathroom a few weeks ago & survived (sounds like something I would do) and I would most enjoy sitting down to a glass of wine with her after this all over and listen to her take on babydom.

Best When Used By: BWUB has been an amazing source of support, despite having her own incredible hurdles. BWUB found IF success in embryo donation and is now 23 weeks. She is very creative, has some of the best stories to tell about family members, and I have cantaloupe garden envy. She also has thoughtful & calming comments and seems to bring us all back down to earth. I always enjoy her posts & look forward to the non-IF ones just as much.

IF Optimist: Besides sharing a love of the Pacific NW, San Francisco, Canada, and the F word, I think that IFO and I have had some IRL friends pull some similar, not so nice stuff. IFO and I should be friends IRL and maybe we will one day since we live in the same geographical area. IFO is smart, creative, & has a sense of humor I adore. She is also just a week or so behind me with twins!

My Mind's Ink: I found Dirk's blog through IFO, as well as Michelle's, his wife. They live in Victoria, and well, it's no secret I love Canada. Dirk's blog is always good for some political banter, which I enjoy, when the banterers are reasonably intelligent. Words can't express how badly I feel for their last IVF cycle. Even Mr. W felt terrible when I told him about it. But I wish them the very best, now in the midst of a FET.

Mad Hatter @ Late For A Very Important Pregnancy: Maddy, another Canadian has an amazing ability to see the good in every angle. She is the queen of TCM and has had remarkable success in lowering her FSH with the treatments. She bares all, for us all to see, and has such creative approaches to her writing. Not to mention a great sense of humor. Wishing her the best in her post IUI 2 ww.

Pundelina Kafoops Lives Here: Pundelina is from down under and was recently given the sub-diagnosis badge I was given last spring by my former RE. Emphasis on former. I know she is struggling with what to do next (except that she got a free cycle out of the deal). Pundelina recently bestowed a blog award on me too, which I have been a slacker about. So I still owe her thanks!

(There are a lot of other great blogs out there that I have either just discovered, or am still connecting with. Adventures in Baby Getting, Maredsous ( I really miss your posts) and Lucky Jones @ Happy High Heels....I still don't have access to yours!)

And then there's me. I am a classically trained musician who got a degree in communications/journalism and a semi-obscure foreign language. I have also picked up Mr. W's native tongue and hope to get my MBA one of these days. I spent 10 years in corporate management and marketing in the cosmetic industry, followed by the last 10 years working for myself, and I hope the next 10 years will bring our dreams of a winery project to fruition. After paying off Mr. W's medical school, travelling in 14 countries, building Mr. W's medical practice and a vacation home, we finally got our shit together enough to try to have a kid or two. That was 7 years ago. And now, after 17 years of marriage and after the hell that is IF, it looks like we're having three!

Ceremonious

2009-11-12T15:37:00.000-08:00

I have kept two punctured vials of Folli.stim in the refrigerator since I returned from Top Doc's clinic. The vials were punctured in mid September, fully 60 days ago. Of course they have a shelf life of 30 days after being punctured, so why the hell was I hanging on to them?

They are in the mini-fridge in the bedroom and I look at them every day. Every morning I say "today I will throw them out" and then I don't. For 60 days I have done this. Opened the fridge, looked at them, and closed the door.

They aren't any good anymore, haven't been for some time. It's not like I could have used them again myself before the end of the 30 days. It's not like anyone else would have wanted them either, once punctured.

I can't tell if it was painful to think I was tossing a $300 bill in the giant mouth of the sharps container, never to be seen again. Or was it admitting that I "didn't need" them anymore that seemed impossible? Or was it my superstitious fear that tossing them would cause a miscarriage? Or did I just need to remind myself daily how I got to this point? (Hardly...)

And so, for whatever reason....today was the day. I have no idea why. There is no milestone to mark. I am no more certain of keeping these nuggets now than I was 60 days or 60 minutes ago. Whatever it was, on this morning it compelled me to pick up the vials, briefly inspect them (to be sure they weren't really wrapped in $100 bills?) to be sure I wasn't mistaken and had thrown them out already and this was some other drug I needed? And then...just like that...I threw them in the mouth of the giant red beast. And closed the refrigerator door once more.

No pomp. No circumstance. But somewhere there was ceremony in that event. Only to be outdone moments later by cheerios and cottage cheese clogging the drain of the shower. Hmmmph.

Box Cars

2009-11-10T20:55:00.000-08:00

If you're into dice games or craps (Mr. W's favorite) then you know box cars is double sixes.

As in, 6 little arms and 6 little legs flailing around on the ultrasound yesterday.

Pretty fucking amazing to watch, especially after carting yourself to the doctor in modified panic mode because you're bleeding, mildly. Sigh.....

Likely a subchorionic hematoma that decided to give way, says the OB. Common, as we all know... and all forget when it's happening to US!

My big accomplishments today?

1. working a few hours from home
2. cleaning out the refrigerator of the food Mr.W has been forced to cook for me for the past week that I only nibble on. Because food is VILE.
3. a bath, spa mask and all
4. blogging again
5. congratulating IF Optimist on her 2 monsters and welcoming EB home from what sounds like the trip from hell with BWUB's Whacky P.

And ok, the symptom list.

Nausea: OMG. Zof.ran with a side of Phen.ergan.
Weight gain: loss of 3 pounds
Bleeding: faint
Dizziness: Some
Cramping: Some
Food craving: none
Food aversion: everything
Favorite new drug: stool softener

Hyperemesis...

2009-11-02T17:35:00.000-08:00

...lands you in the hospital. As I found out on Friday. Which was followed by Saturday at home in bed, hooked to an i.v. all day. Thank you, Super Doc.

My chief goal in life right now? Finding new ways to keep food and water down. Unfortunately that means blogs, work, driving, and any other daily activities take a back seat. I promise to catch up as soon as I can.

Hold The Phone

2009-10-29T16:14:00.001-07:00

EB said the kindest words and I just want to thank her. And, she told me to post...about everything! So, I will try harder.

I'm sort of in that guilty feeling place. That place where this starts to turn into a whiny pregnant lady's blog. But the truth is, I haven't moved myself mentally into that category yet. I feel I am still in the IF category with pretend symptoms to play with for awhile.

But today, I received the most amazing phone call. It was random, unexpected, and so genuine.

It was Top Doc.

I was startled to hear her voice on the line and not a nurse. Or someone from the billing office. It was the real live her. And she was calling to see how I was. She asked when my perinatologist appointment was and how I was feeling. She said she'd been doing a lot of thinking about our situation and she just wanted to talk to me. Normally, she counsels patients on reducing when there are three. This time, she said she wasn't so sure. The deciding factor could be if the twins were mono amniotic (sharing an amniotic sac). I told her Mr. W and I knew this was a very risky situation and it was too soon to tell. Still, she was optimistic and supportive and asked that I keep her in the loop and forward the perinatologist reports. I said I would and that I appreciated her call and any opinions she wanted to give.

There are great doctors in this world. And then there are those who have a special gift. When Mr. W and I interviewed REs and agonized over choosing the last clinic we chose in a very unconventional manner, for us anyway. Always the thinkers, analysts, and planners, we typically make charts and lists and graphs and power point presentations to make a decision. This time, we stepped back. "We're forcing it," we both said. And instead, we chose with our hearts. And now I know why.

Barfing Turtle

2009-10-27T14:53:00.000-07:00

...the name of a new yoga pose Mr. W says I have invented. He made me laugh so hard I had to barf some more.

Hello Zo.fran my old friend. Ok, new friend maybe, but I like the song anyway. OB says the barfing has to stop or she will put me in the hospital. Meet you there, MeInsideout? I was going at it every 2 hours. I daren't wander more than a few feet from a toilet or sink. And I started carrying plastic bags around the house. Even the furry ones couldn't figure out why I had more hairballs than they did. And it was a group event. To watch and hear me barf. Seriously. Feline wonderment.

But alas, Dr. OB was all over it and prescribed 8mg Zo.fran up to 3 times daily. And I am joining the ranks of the living again. I am relieved. Tonight is the season NBA opener and I was terrified how I was going to survive running to the restroom in the huge arena (and not making it) during the game. I know....whah, whah, whah. I am whining and I shouldn't. So I'll just leave it at that.

In other news, I did get the H1.N1 vaccine yesterday. I talked with Dr. OB about it first because the only one I could get is the regular with thimerosal. She said thimerosal was not a big deal and that I should still get it. She also said that they didn't have any, didn't know when they would get it, and if they would even get it without thimerosal. I told her Super Doc had been hoarding a dose for me. Dr. OB was like, what does Super Doc think about thimerosal? Well, he thinks it's fine, I said. And she was like...well there you go, I agree. The vaccine with it is better than not getting the vaccine at all. So it was settled.

And then I posted on FB that I got the vaccine. MISTAKE. Because everyone else wanted it and wanted to know how I got it if it wasn't allowed in the general population yet. Ah, shit. Opened my big mouth. Uhm? I'm not general population anymore? (Nope, didn't use that one.) Uh? I have a backstage pass? (Nope, didn't use that one.) How about...ignore? Yeah, that's the one.

Ultimate Birthday Present

2009-10-25T12:17:00.000-07:00

Mr. W just had a birthday. And a very exciting one it was, as he got to accompany me to the latest ultrasound appointment. My appointments have been at the hospital because my OB thinks their equipment is better for the early stage we're in, which is about 7 weeks + now.

And now for the drum roll, followed by my "holy shit"!

Sac A has a nice little nugget with a heartbeat measuring at 142 bpm.

Sac B has a nice little nugget with a heartbeat measuring 130 bpm and....wait for it.....
a second little nugget with a heartbeat measuring about 125bpm!

And now....HOLY SHIT! It's triplets - and a very unique situation at that because there is a singleton with a set of identical twins, meaning one of the embryos divided after implantation. We are stunned. And excited. And overwhelmed. Of course this creates a whole new set of issues, concerns, and risks - especially because there are two in the same sac. We are very quickly graduating from our OB to the perinatologist.

I got an email from Top Doc (my RE). Her response? "Wow, I am floored by this news."
Yeah, so are we.

Meet the Nuggets

2009-10-17T14:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah! Plural!

Right now, they are just sacs. My OB appointment was uhm, early. Really early, because they could not fit me in for a new patient consult for a month if I waited. My OB admitted they aren't used to looking at early sacs as she normally sees people for the first time at 9 or so weeks. She also admitted that she sucks with the ultrasound machine this early and that their equipment is not as high-tech as the IF clinics. Sucks to be among commoners again. Ok, not that much.

Disclaimers aside, I went on Monday for what was supposed to be a 2-hour appointment and ended up spending the better part of the day. The OB was great and was all about "mental health" (as she called it). Meaning she would get me back in for another ultrasound sooner, rather than later, to ease my neurotic tendencies and calm my disaster fantasies. And just for the heck of it, she drew another beta for me. Again, just to be sure. Here is the new cool chart! (Beta was 10,125). (Ok, coming soon on the chart thingy.)

The real shocker...and I hesitate to blog about this...is that there is a third sac. It's not visible in this picture, and it appears to be very small or possibly blighted. The OB actually had a radiologist do another ultrasound to verify. (Part of what took so damn long.) In any case, we are operating under the assumption of a vanishing triplet. That is extremely creepy for me to type. And secretly, I've been keeping of all of these juicy details to myself all week because I've had these strange little feelings of guilt. And I've been convinced that they're all going to vanish right before my eyes. I'm certain nuggets have all died at least three times this week. Save for one undeniable symptom. My middle name is BARF. I have never been so happy to be so effing completely miserably sick.

Symptom checker for us internet whores:

Nausea: Hello
Cramping: Mild & getting milder
Bleeding: No
Weight Gain: lost 2 pounds
Dizziness: slight
Food craving: none
Food aversion: It's all vile. About the only thing I can stomach is Italian sodas, rye crisps, and Laughing.Cow cheese - something I've never eaten before.

And no, none of this has sunk in.

Things People Say

2009-10-16T15:34:00.000-07:00

I'm sure I haven't even heard the best of the comments yet, but I'd thought I'd list a few I've received in the past few months or so, from the very limited number of people who know of the war we've been embedded in. Note my comments out to the side, or in some cases, my silent thoughts, depending on the offender.

Why don't you just get a surrogate? Because IF does not always equal shitty uterus.

Can you just have a surgery or something to fix your condition? Because IF is always the woman's problem. And a surrogate should fix whatever it is anyway.

Just keep trying IVF until it works. Yeah, because money grows on trees and I'm secretly popping the anti-aging pill Carl Sagan invented.

Why don't you just adopt? Aren't you worried about your child having birth defects if it's that difficult? Oh gosh yeah, because the rate of birth defects in IVF babies doubles. From like .02% to .04%

Just de-stress and relax and everything will happen. The oldest line in the book - and I un-friend these offenders simply for being dumb fucks.

Wouldn't it be great if you had twins? Then you'd be done! Because, I couldn't possibly be 'done' with one, and why in the hell would I ever want more than two?

Maybe God didn't want you to have children. Maybe God never wanted you to open your mouth, but you do.

Aren't you glad you decided not to have children? This one comes from people not in the know. And my standard response is, 'Who said we decided anything?' - a response that is usually met with puzzlement on the face of the offender. It's really a priceless look.

Only to be followed by...(when word gets out)

Oh, you finally decided it was time to have children? I have an answer prepared. It goes something like "no, mother nature finally decided we were worthy."

Tribute

2009-10-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

Well hello there. And welcome new followers. I have unburied myself from the hell that was tax completion 2008 and just before the final deadline. Whew.

The other day I was thinking about this blog and about how much it's all about me. (Hey, I'm writing it. It's about my most inner medical workings. Seems fair it's all about me.) But I realized as I stared at Mr. W (without his knowing) that this is his journey too. And that without him I likely wouldn't have been in this mess to start with! Uh-uhm, what I meant to say was, without him, I would not be who I am. And that made me think about sharing the reasons I heart this guy and why he is Mr. Wonderful.

- By nature, Mr. W is a hunter, a gatherer, a fixer, a tinkerer, an inventor, and a survivor. I know we will always have food on the table, a roof over our heads, and shoes to wear, even if we were the last people on earth and everything had to be made from scratch. Of course in our case, if we were the last people on earth...we would be just that!

- His dream job is to be a farmer. He thinks it is the noblest of professions and that there is truth in the land and soil.

Picture of the greenhouse he built all himself from the bottom up last summer. It has power, water, a solar fan, and hydraulic opening windows activated by heat. -

- Mr. W is 5'4" tall. (He is the tallest in his family and has me beat by an inch.) And yet, when he walks into a room, you would think he was over 6 feet. He commands attention, in a good, charismatic way. I have always admired this trait about him and am constantly amazed by his presence in a room full of people.

- He can be very spoiling. During our last 2ww he took me to the spa for a facial (to help pass the time). And when we got the positive beta this gorgeous bouquet of flowers appeared. (Color not intended to imply gender, he pointed out.)

- Membership does have it's privileges, and I'm eternally grateful for his ability to pull strings when needed. Like obtaining the results of beta #2. It became apparent that I was going to have a nervous breakdown when I hadn't received the clinic's call with the results. So Super Doc went into the hospital where I'd had the blood work drawn and looked up the results for me. Top Doc's clinic called 3 hours later (at 5pm). I surely would have been in cardiac arrest if I'd had to wait until then.

- Mr. W has brought me breakfast in bed the past two weekends, while proclaiming his intent to keep me literally 'barefoot and pregnant'. I think I can handle a little chivalry now and then.

- I could not do his job. I don't know how he does it, especially now. He sees patients walk in to the hospital in labor and claim they didn't know they were pregnant. He sees women high on meth or heroin about to give birth. He sees women pregnant with their sixth child from the fourth different dad and without means to feed or clothe them. And yet, every day he comes home, recharges his batteries in the garden, and goes back the next day for more. To me, it seems like the ultimate punishment.

- He is humble and unassuming. He picks flowers out of the garden and puts them on the counters around the office. He takes coffee to the nurses at the hospital. When he works on a Saturday, he orders lunch for his entire staff who's working also. He is most commonly seen in the office wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. He wears a costume to work on Halloween and he dresses up for National Talk Like A Pirate Day (which is in September, in case you were wondering).

- He is anti-establishment, dislikes government and politics, and has no use for organized religion.

I could go on...but essentially, Mr. W dances to the beat of his own drum, and that's what I've grown so fond of. And I have no doubt he would raise inquisitive, free-spirited children, who would only get neroses from their mother.

Dumbness & Numbness

2009-10-05T15:36:00.000-07:00

It's rather strange, you know, to have a few of you (like Sprog and Leah) "move" my blog into another folder or category. I've been known to be a bit superstitious at times and well, I hope this isn't bad luck! There. I've said it.

As I mentioned to Sprog the other day, it's like wearing a scarlet letter(s) and you just think the branding won't/can't go away. I find I am pinching myself regularly. Both in awe and disbelief. And smack dab in the middle of another 2ww for the ultrasound, I still expect the other shoe to drop. Waiting....waiting....waiting for it. I know, so many of us have been there before. Many are still there, as so eloquently posted by Sprog today. Go give it a read.

But alas, I found myself fumbling with the phone today. Calling an OB. A real OB. Top Doc's clinic said I could choose to have the u/s at Dr. OMC's or at my chosen OB's office. And therein was part of the issue. I had not chosen anyone officially yet. (Didn't want to "jinx" it....see, there I go again.) And, didn't want to go back to Dr. OMC, for a variety of reasons, one of which was risking that my stupid-ass insurance company would decide not to pay for it since it was an IF clinic.

Mr. W and I bantered back and forth over the weekend regarding whom we should select. We have 3 friends that are OB's, any one of whom we'd be happy to choose. However, they only deliver at one hospital - the one closest to us and the one Mr. W spends the majority of his time at. On one hand, this is good and convenient. On the other hand, it makes for a real lack of privacy. And on the third hand (if I had three), it's not the hospital I want to deliver at.

So we worked backward...choosing the hospital first (one that's 25 miles away) and then the OB. Feeling like I'd just conquered the universe in making the decision, I fell speechless when the voice on the other end of the phone today asked me what kind of an appointment I needed to schedule.

Voice: What kind of appointment do you need?

Me: Uhm, an ultrasound?

Voice: For?

Me: Uhm, (insert life story in 5 seconds) I'm an IVF patient and my RE has requested a 7 week ultrasound.

Voice: [Silence for a second.]

Me: Because I have a pregnancy. (Like it's a disease I just caught instead of the swine.flu.)

Voice: [nicely] Oh, Ok. You need an OB appointment.

Me: Yeah. (OMG, am I really this retarded?)

Voice: Ok, who is your RE?

Me: Top Doc, in Big City. And they've requested a specific date.

Voice: Ok, and are you moving here?

Me: I already live here. I've lived here.

Voice: [fumbling, looking at schedule] OB's schedule is completely booked. We will need to talk with her or her nurse to see if we can fit you in. They are both off today. We'll have to call you back tomorrow.

Me: [shit.] Ok.

Voice: And we'll need all of your records.

Me: From all of the IF? (that's like 4 clinics worth)

Voice: Yeah.....Ok...thanks...we'll call you tomorrow.

I hung up the phone and stared out the window for a minute. It's an incredibly beautiful autumn day. The leaves are just barely starting to change color and there isn't a cloud in the sky. I could be fooled into thinking it was the middle of summer. I could be fooled into thinking this is all a pipe dream. I might have gotten on Sprog's plane off the island, but it hasn't landed yet, and I don't know where in the hell it's going.

Gratitude & Beta 2

2009-10-03T08:16:00.000-07:00

First of all, thank you Meinsideout for the blog award. In all honesty, I did receive it previously and you can read about that post here.

And thank you for the kind comments of support and excitement for our BFP! There were several lurkers out there that commented and it's great to "see" you all.

On another note, I've received some new followers that I've made the decision to block. After reviewing your profiles, if I find you don't have any connection whatsoever to my blog or the topics discussed here, I feel it's in my best interest to block your interaction. I apologize for this, but it's not rated for all audiences. If you have been blocked and would like me to unblock you, please send me a comment explaining why. Comments on my blog must be moderated by me and therefore, I will keep your comment private.

Ok, back to this stuff. I have some other posts I'd like to whip out one of these days, but for now, I'll just skip to the facts. Because it's what you've been waiting to hear, and well, what I waited to hear ALL day yesterday.

Beta #2....... 197! (A triple and a half.) We are beyond thrilled! I was prepared mentally for the worst, but "nugget" has been very busy in there and so I was pretty sure somethin was goin on. And....here's the chart! (Amazing that I figured this out.)

And from the TMI department, here's the symptom list:

Nausea: no
Cramping: yes - mild but consistent
Bleeding: no
Weight Gain: zero
Bloat: yep, in the tummy
Wedding rings: still on!
Dizziness: slight
Food craving: Bacon, fruit, fish (not together!)
Food aversion: none
Sleep: all over the board, with crazy vivid dreams, & 3 pee trips a night. (Fair warning given on the TMI.)
Body Temp: Cold, all the time. Sleeping in long pjs with 3 blankets. Crazy for me!

Wishing all the same for IFOpt, EB, and meKate....

Shock & Awe

2009-09-30T16:46:00.001-07:00

First....The Confessions:

Second......today was beta day......
56!

For the record, Mr. W and I ended up finding a secret stash of hoarded pee sticks, so these are those. And also for the record...this brand sucks. Also, the last picture was taken before the last stick was dry, so it looks lighter.

Stick Hunt

2009-09-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

Mr. W and I argued for several days about whether or not to POAS. He said no - absolutely not - for the same reasons EB's DH did. I said I just wanted to know. That's all. And yes, I know they can be inaccurate at this stage -both ways.

So for 2 days I begged and begged Super Doc to bring home some sticks from work. No. No. No. Finally, I announced I was headed to the store to buy some. Whereupon he caved. (I knew he would.) "You're not buying something I already have at work." Uhm, duh? So off we went (at night, when no one would see) to get the sticks.

Or not.

This turned out to be an exercise in futility. Oh, and a big fat eye-opener for Super Doc, who has just learned a few exciting things about his employees:

1) They're all raiding company supplies.
2) Pee sticks are a secret commodity to be hidden & hoarded.
3) When you use or hoard the last one, you're too embarrassed to tell anyone to order more, so you just leave empty boxes/vials around until someone notices. Like the boss. Who is...too embarrassed to tell anyone to order more. And doesn't even know who they order them from.
4) Don't expect them all to tell you at once they're trying to get knocked up, too. Just start hiring NOW to cover all of those maternity leaves.

Somebody Squealed

2009-09-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

Number one nephew just returned from 3 months in Italy. (I'll call him #1 because he's the oldest of the nephews.) He's just finished college and just accepted his first broadcast journalism job for a C.BS affiliate in a smaller city in an adjacent state. Mr. W and I are proud of this kid. After a rough bus, he's turned out to be a sweet and hella-smart guy.

So I never mentioned how odd it was that he showed up to pick us up at the airport after our return from Top Doc's clinic. We hadn't arranged a ride with him, but our ride apparently fell through and so he was there. It struck me later as odd, because he didn't ask about our trip, what we did, or any normal questions you ask people when they get back from vacation. In fact, he didn't ask a thing. Of course, he had just returned from this fabulous trip in Italy, visiting all of Mr. W's relatives and testing his new fluency in Italian on us. So why would you ask about our boring trip anyway?

The next night, Mr. W and I offered to take #1 nephew to dinner since he would be moving the following week to start the new job. On the way to dinner, Mr. W slipped a real subtle comment to test the waters. And just like flies on shit, #1 nephew jumped all over it and blurted out he's looking forward to having a new cousin. I scowled at him in the back seat. "Who squealed!?" I demanded. (As if we couldn't figure it out.) I can't say....I've been sworn to secrecy.....he says. "Dammit!"....I said. "Tell me..." But all I had to do was mention Mr. W's mom and I saw him grimace. She is notorious for gossip. Notorious for wanting to be the FIRST to pass 'news' along. Notorious for wanting to stir the pot.

Mr. W and I reminded #1 nephew that this was not definitive and that it was still a private matter and that it wasn't that we didn't want him to know, but we wanted to tell him ourselves, and that it may not work, again. #1 nephew said he hadn't told a soul and didn't plan on it but that he was really excited and that we shouldn't blame any family member(s) because that's just how the family is.

But I do blame, and I am hurt and angry at MIL for making this HER information to share with people. And we can just about bet if she has told #1 nephew it will be in the newspapers any day. And the worst part is, there is really NO information to share at this point.

Sigh...I am trying to be forgiving. But I am still pissed. And I feel cheated and crossed.

I have to hand it to Mr. W, though. He had the guts to confront the root of our problem head-on with #1 nephew right then and there. In the car. On the way to dinner. He told #1 nephew if ever thought he might want kids in his lifetime he should go get tested now. To my amazement, #1 nephew wanted to know who and where is this testing and what is considered normal and what should he do if it was abnormal. "Do I just have to jack off in a cup?" ...was his question. At least at 20-something, they 'get' that concept pretty easily.

Parrott Head

2009-09-23T09:17:00.001-07:00

Well, the fresh blackberries did not make it to the pot for jam before they rotted. Tail end of the season, and I was just not home soon enough. So I've been looking for other ways to pass the misery of the infamous 2ww, now 4dp3dt. Here's what I've come up with so far:

1. Finish the 2008 taxes before the final extension is up.
2. Resume some degree of work (oh, this is a hard one).
3. Get one of our rentals re-rented.
4. Admire the continuation of summer and 85 degree weather for the next week.
5. Figure out in what orifice I will stuff more of these tomatoes that fornicate like rabbits.

Otherwise, I have no symptoms. Nothing. Nada. Admittedly, the peanut pellets are way easier on the body than the PIO. But perhaps it's just another day in Paradise without the cheeseburger?

Home Sweet Home

2009-09-20T16:49:00.000-07:00

Hi new follower!

It's nice to be back home after what seems like an eternity in a hotel. To answer a few common questions and comments: There was no spa there. The room service menu sucked and I couldn't justify the price, so I skipped it (for the first time ever, I think). And the tourists drove me nuts. However, I was asked for directions a few times, so I must have looked like a local.

Home sweet home, you ask? Yes, I am home. Which means my transfer was yesterday. Top Doc's clinic notified me yesterday morning (after I called them because the nurse forgot) that I would be having a 3-day transfer in the very early afternoon. I guess Top Doc does not necessarily mean Top Nurse.

So it was a WTF, get the shit together, and get the hell out the door kind of morning. So much for being relaxed awaiting transfer. Mr. W and I scrambled to pack the luggage and check out of the hotel. I jumped on the internet and booked us a flight home immediately following the transfer, assuming we would catch the hail mary pass to the airport. And then we hiked ourselves and all of our luggage to the clinic. It reminded me of the luggage schlepping of one (or more) of our trips to Europe. Only it wasn't Europe. And clearly this wasn't a vacation.

It was Top Doc's Saturday to work and she was her usual warm, positive without being fake, self.
She had great advice and suggestions for our transfer decisions. The embryologist wheeled the little IVF cart over to my room and plugged it into an oxygen port nearby. She loaded the catheter for Top Doc. And then poof! We were done (with a little effort and a little pain -I've still got that damn cervix that's wound tight as a knot.) I chilled out for a few minutes while she brought in the embryo records and a picture and then said I could go. She doesn't require bed rest after a transfer (crazy, huh?) but said to take it easy and no lifting. I had already cleared flying beforehand, so we were on our way.

Our flight left 2 hours after my scheduled transfer time, so it was going to be a tight one, but in the end, everything went off without a hitch. I did spend the remainder of the day in bed with the purry ones but I am feeling great. No PIO, thankyouverymuch. And home just in time to catch the last of the blackberries for a batch of jam.

Now just looking for suggestions to pass the 2ww.

Sesame Street & Fertility Report

2009-09-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

Do you remember watching Sesame Street and each day was brought to you by a number and a letter? And throughout the episode the number and letter kept appearing?

Well today is brought to you by the letter K: for K (that's me) and Kate at I Can't Whistle.

It's also brought to you by the number 8! Yep, we both got 8.
It's crazy weird, no? But all good, yes?

And the rest of my story...

8 - Eggs retrieved
7- Mature
7- ICSI'd
5- At 2pn
2 -Still viable but hadn't cleaved yet

Top Doc says she is happy with this. She also noted that the cyst that almost cancelled my cycle was still there so she aspirated it. And it bled. And she didn't know exactly what it was for sure (she threw out some theories) but that we should just watch it.

The bonus news for me was that this retrieval was WAY better than my last. I can't believe it, and that was after Top Doc had prepared me for a possible repeat performance of the retrieval at my last clinic. I think the cocktail was better. The procedure was quicker. I had relatively little pain and actually got up and walked the half mile back to the hotel afterward! (I couldn't walk for over 24 hours last time and I was brutally sick.)

Oh, and can I just mention I don't have to take PIO shots?? Today I started the peanut pellets, otherwise known as Pro.metrium. Tomorrow I start the Viv.elle patch. I've already decided that shoving a peanut up the hoo hoo and putting a sticker on the belly beats PIO in the ass any day. Now if I just put M&Ms up my nose, I'd be a 3-year-old all over again and I could yell at Big Bird on TV.

Twas the Night Before....

2009-09-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

...retrieval and all through the hotel room. Ok, my mild anxiety is creeping through tonight. I don't know why. I am WAY prepared. I am ready. This is all good. And thank you everyone for your awesome comments and your shout outs on your blogs. I want to also mention that as I will likely be under the weather tomorrow (my last retrieval was miserable and Top Doc says this one will be no exception), I am wishing the best for meKate, T @ IF Optimist, Megan, Maddy, & Pundelina who are all on deck now or shortly. (Sorry if I forgot someone...)

So for today's post...I am going to list everything I did today. I know, this is dumb. But it's all I got.

1. Slept in. Then enjoyed my decaf earl grey with cream on the patio.
2. Watched the kitty cam
3. Argued with Mr. W about which flight back he was going to take.
4. Researched said fights since he has a choice of 5 airports.
5. Made Mr. W's corporate payroll tax and 401k deposits.
6. Did laundry in the bathroom sink of my hotel room.
7. Picked out what I'm going to wear tomorrow and what I want to wear to bed when I get back.
8. Stressed out over the pre-op instructions.
9. Argued with Mr. W about his flight some more. He tells me to change it.
10. More flight research. Override his decision and don't change it.
11. Feel tired and a bit grumpy.
12. Watch kitty cam again.
13. Emailed the niece who's in NY at grad school. She is bugging me to come visit. Might be dropping in on you, EB and Sprog!
14. Email the nephew who is returning from studying in Italy. I have just realized that the keys to his car are locked in my house and he returns they day after tomorrow. Nice!
15. Lay by the hotel pool for awhile until I notice the guy down the way has his hands in his pants. That's enough for me, thank you.
16. Walk to Trader Jo.e's to pick up some things I might consider eating tomorrow. Or not. Get things for Mr. W so he won't have to go out looking for food, and can take care of me full time instead. :)))
17. Decide I have been eating healthy enough and walking enough daily to splurge and order a pizza for my "last.supper."
18. Count down the last hour that I can have anything to eat or drink.
19. Consider going to pick up Mr. W at the airport. And then decide to tell him he can take a cab since it is almost 11:00pm.
20. Notice that I am achy and have these lemons rolling around inside me.
21. Find that Jay Len.o's new show is not as funny as his old one.
22. Read and comment on your blogs.
23. Set my alarm to get up in the middle of the night to take the 2 pills I am supposed to take with only a "sip" of water.
24. Admire the circle the nurse drew yesterday (that's still on my butt) so I could back myself up to a mirror and give my own damn trigger shot.
25. Checked out the lastest Face.book gossip. Which compared to what I'm doing, is really boring.

And with that, I shall load myself into bed. One sleep to go...

Game On

2009-09-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

All systems are go for Wednesday. Top Doc says things look good and today she was measuring 12 follicles. Some of them are smaller and it's likely they won't be mature. However, this is the best I have ever done and I'm excited about that (she says without trying to to get her hopes up too far.)

Today I was glancing over the paperwork and some of the chart details and noticed that our official diagnosis from Top Doc's clinic is Male Factor. This also makes me feel somewhat better. I might be a slow or poor responder to the meds but it doesn't appear that I have DOR like the last clinic tried to cram down my throat in effort to push me to DE. Yes, my clock is ticking, but not fast enough (in my opinion) to jump into the DE bed today.

I just have to say that Mr. W did the sweetest thing before he left home last time. We have a video security system at home so he moved the kitty food into view of one of the cameras. Now I can log into the system and peek in on my purry kids. And, I had to post this photo he snapped with his cell phone.

Here I Am

2009-09-13T21:54:00.000-07:00

...in the hotel room hanging out by myself. The word for the day is flexibilty. Everyone say it together. It's what this cycle is all about. It started out that way, and it may very well end that way. But hey, I'm game. I'll be flexible. If that's what it takes.

I've had 3 appointments at Top Doc's clinic since I got here Wednesday night. Mr. W joined me on Thursday with the idea we'd have liftoff followed by orbit sometime late this weekend/Monday-ish. OK, not so much.

Top Doc is letting me a cook awhile. And, it seems her strategy is paying off. Little by little some new follicle comes out to play the longer we wait. So here I am, pushing stim day 12 tomorrow and it looks like I'll get the trigger for the 8 or so that are ready. This is good news because I'm starting to get uncomfortable. Not crazy painful swollen miserable. But achey full can't sit or twist or stand uncomfortable.

This was bad news for Mr. W. He had blocked out his schedule to be here Monday and Tuesday this week. But my retrieval is now Wednesday. After some discussion, we agreed he would fly home tonight, reschedule his Wednesday and Thursday patients for Monday and Tuesday now if they could, and fly back Tuesday night. I feel badly about this. Patients wait 4 months to see him and then he has to cancel at the last minute. It's frustrating for them and it burdens his partner and staff. Not to mention people will start to ask lots of questions about the urgent change. But at the same time, he is human. He has a life outside of work and this is important. Not to mention the selfish me wanted him to stay with me and cancel everyone, because it IS that important and because I miss him and because I am hormonal.

But, after a zip.car trip to my favorite place (just 60 miles to the North) for the day, I dropped him at the airport and returned myself to the hotel. So here I am. Being flexible.

Status Quo

2009-09-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

I loved the comments about my last post. You guys rock. And I was feeling somewhat badly about my whole outlook on the matter. Ok, NOT! Thanks for letting me off the hook.

This morning was my day 5 u/s with Dr. OMC. Which basically amounted to only 3 1/2 days of stims. Things are moving along - better than the last two times, but still not perfect. But shit. If I was perfect, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. So, we're just going to roll with what we've got- 6 follicles out in front and 4-6 more bringing up the rear. I'm all clear for a Wednesday afternoon departure to Top Doc's clinic (with a shot of Gani.relix on the side) where I will camp out for the next week or two. Fortunately, Mr. W gets to join me on Thursday night and stay through retrieval. I'm very happy about this. And, since we used to live in Top Doc's city, I can't think of a better place to spend 6 days hanging out with the master of pizza ovens.

Here is what I can happily say about this protocol so far:

1) It's easier. The dosing is a bit simpler and shots are only 1 time per day. I actually feel like I can function the rest of the day because I'm not so obsessed about looking at the damn calendar to see if I forgot to take something.

2) There are NO STEROIDS or evil Lu.pron (as my dear EB calls it). I shouted it out before. I'm shouting it out again.

3) I am not as moody, grumpy, or otherwise miserable. (I reserve the right to revoke this statement later. Clearly, I do.)

4) My sleep is not as disrupted and I still have energy.

5) I am not swelling or gaining weight. (Yet.)

And so, in an effort to get my shit together so I can leave town peacefully, I have been task mastering. Behold, the harvest update:

14 - more quarts of tomatoes canned
2 - gallons of tomato sauce canned
(there are 125 tomato plants in 5 varieties)
12 - 1/2 pints of corn relish canned
15 - ears of corn sealed and frozen
5- batches of zucchini bread in 3 different recipes, including a low-sugar variety for Mr. W

Smut for the Day

2009-09-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

I can't resist temptation to comment on this one. Much like I couldn't control the hand that clicked on the page.

First off, my own personal disclaimer, which really means very little:

I'm not a reality show watcher. I don't read the celebrity smut magazines. And, the only things I know about Jon and K.ate and Oct.omom and whomever else, are the things that flash before my eyes on the newsstand while I'm waiting at checkout, things I see in the only paper I read (the WSJ), and whatever Brian Wil.liams says on the nightly news when I happen to catch him. Otherwise, I prefer to have my head conveniently buried in the sand.

And then I flipped on my laptop yesterday. The last time I had it in for IT service, the guy set my home page to M.S.N.com. Something I never changed. So I popped open internet explorer and there it was plastered across the front. And what did I do? I swear a 2 ton brick could not have stopped my hand from clicking on it. There was nothing I could do but read and stare and gawk.

The Dug.gars are having their 19th child. What.the.fucq.

Mistaken Identity

2009-09-04T14:31:00.000-07:00

Or as Dr. OMC sheepishly stated at my second u/s yesterday...."Too many cooks in the kitchen."

After hearing I had a cyst on Tuesday (and being informed by Dr. OMC that if I was their patient I would be cancelled) Top Doc asked if it was "clear" or "cloudy" to which, Dr. OMC replied (several hours after the u/s) that is was clear. Meaning it was a follicle that had not ovulated, as opposed to the cloudy remnant of one that had just ovulated from the previous cycle.

Did I mention why I like Top Doc so much? For starters, she is THOROUGH. She was not satisfied with the u/s results and so I had another yesterday. (Yeah, it cost me another $500 to repeat.) This time, Dr. OMC informs me he will not be commenting on my u/s (uhm while he's there doing it and I'm watching) and instead says he will leave the decision making to Top Doc.

But at this u/s I have the unique benefit of having a resident present! Normally, I don't consider it a benefit. And in fact, I often decline the resident option. So what does this mean? Well aside from it means she is like the 8th or 9th person in the last 6 months to assist in the wand-waving in my hoo-hoo, it means Dr. OMC is giving a little teaching lesson! So much for his "no comment." As he proceeds to count the 7 follicles on the left and the 5 on the right, he points out a larger cyst on the left and mutters something about cloudiness under his breath and evidence of a corpus luteum. (Sludge left over from the last cycle.) BINGO!

And so I was given the green light last night by Top Doc! You gotta love a woman with the kahunas to ask questions and demand more. Of course, I had not been to the pharmacy yet, but I was prepared with enough leftovers to shoot up last night then high-tail it to the pharmacy first thing this morning to pick up the goods (and shoot up again in the parking lot.)

I've gotten smart in my IVF veteran-ness. My next u/s is Monday, so I bought enough drugs to get through Tuesday. Maybe I'm not being the ultimate optimist, but what the hell? In the event I get cancelled mid-cycle, I don't want to be dining out on extra Foll.istim in my fridge until the next round.

So it seems I'm headed out of town in a few days afterall to finish my cycle at Top Doc's clinic. Nothing like keeping a girl guessing...especially a hormonal one!

Game Over....with an update

2009-09-01T12:21:00.001-07:00

Before I even started. I'm so stunned, I can't believe it.

I have not heard officially from Top Doc's clinic, but it's a no go. Call it a cyst. Call it a dominant follicle. Call it the pile of shit for a body that I live in. I know I am cancelled before I even start the stims tonight. Yes, I realize I got my medical degree from Goo.gle University, but Dr. OMC saw it on the u/s this morning and called it out. Of course, with the disclaimer that it's not HIS final call.

I did not go to the pharmacy.
I am cancelling my hotel.
I am calling for a refund.
I am writing off the month of September.
I am losing my fucqing mind. Again.

Update:
Top Doc called this afternoon to say she wants me to have another u/s on Thursday. She thinks this monster follicle could be a remnant of the last cycle and may be on its way out. Since it.is.so.fucqing.huge. (Well that's not the descriptive word she used, but you get it.) I still like her, by the way. She delivers even shitty news with integrity.

The Day Before Tomorrow

2009-08-31T18:52:00.000-07:00

Canada was great as usual. But no cheap drugs for me.

Sigh.

I suppose I will just suffer at the pharmacy tomorrow when I pick up my new junk.

I have been doing fine so far, on this EP protocol. Uh-uhm, until today. It seems every possible side effect of the estrace has exploded in me today. Fortunately, I have only one more day of these little blue pills before the real fun starts- kicking it off with the baseline u/s tomorrow morning.

Yesterday's Harvest Update:

6 - gallons of tomatoes canned
8- 1/2 pints of pest0 made

O Canada

2009-08-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

I love Canada. And I'll admit, I'm partial to British Columbia.

So Mr. W and I decided a few weeks ago to head out of town for the weekend (leaving in a few hours) for a quick trip. His BFF + girlfriend are joining us. It's BFF's birthday and our anniversary so it just should be a fun time.

But ok, I'll fess up. I'm looking for drugs. Cheap drugs. In Canada. And when we planned this trip, I thought it would be a good opportunity to exploit. But since then, I have done some more research and found that mail order is really the best option (due in part, to the RX issue). However, after shopping around, I'm finding there isn't a huge savings either. Nonetheless, I am armed with my RX's and will do some scouting.

Beyond the scouting, it will be a last supper of sorts. Last ditch weekend to eat, drink, and be merry. Before the Hell that is IVF begins.

Bite Down

2009-08-26T22:17:00.000-07:00

Or bend over.

Today was one of those days when reality comes along and bites you in the ass. I made the $12,450 cycle deposit and boy did it hurt. It doesn't help that because my visa card was hacked earlier this week (and the account has subsequently been cancelled and the new card is nowhere in sight yet) I have had to cough up (or rather vomit up) alternative funds. And then there are the drugs next week. Yes, I knew all of this was coming. Yes, I was prepared. (Ok, well not necessarily emotionally it seems). It still effing pains me to do it.

On the bright side, I resumed acupuncture today. Uh-uhm, not with the last acuquack, as Super Doc calls her. But rather with the same person who did my previous embryo transfer. I have two more sessions next week, then I'm off to Top Doc's clinic and their own in-house acupuncturists.

So here we are. All in. And hoping for a stellar baseline next week to get the party started.

Bad Blogger

2009-08-24T15:29:00.000-07:00

I have been such a bad blogger lately, that I hardly feel worthy of the award bestowed upon me by Mad Hatter. (She nominated me August 5th....that's how bad I've been). In any case, thank you. I love reading your blog too!

Rules:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging.
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award".
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

I've tried to pick first-time winners, sorry if I blew it.

1. Barefoot
2. Bon
3. IF Optimist
4. Can You Imagine?
5. Meinsideout
6. I Can't Whistle (I'm sure Kate's been nominated before?)
7. I Want A Station Wagon

And now for the 10 honest things...

1. I seriously wonder if this IVF crap will ever work.
2. I seriously wonder if Mr. W and I will ever be able to quit our jobs and just make wine.
3. I did not vote for our current Pres.ident. (Sorry, I know you all hate me now.)
4. I've never had a beer in my life. (Disgusting smelling stuff.)
5. My Visa card was just hacked for the second time in 12 months.
6. I would like to go back to school and get my MB.A but there's all this other stuff to deal with.
7. I find I don't enjoy being around most of my IRL friends now.
8. I've been avoiding this post because it's taking me forever to write 10 things.
9. I dislike talking on the phone.
10. I would have 25 cats if I thought no one would call animal control on me!

Marking Time & Making Lists

2009-08-20T20:27:00.001-07:00

I'm finding that I'm starting to get consumed in this IF thing again. It's approaching rather quickly and now I'm in a rush to get the "to dos" done and the lists made. I'm going to be gone for almost two weeks at Top Doc's clinic and already I'm worried about Mr. W remembering to feed the kitties, pick up the mail, get to the bank, and still make it to work.

It seems everything else is falling into place, even if it's chaotic. The cycle is set. The OMC is confirmed and orders have been faxed. The boatload of prescriptions is awaiting pick up. And the hotel has confirmed my room request for a patio facing the pool and a fridge! I'm left with lists of stuff to take. Stuff to finish doing (uhm, like the 2008 taxes). Projects I want to take with me. Final logistics of getting there and back. Logistics of getting Mr. W there and back! And, well, a little anxiety on the side.

I'm already starting to miss the things I will miss while I'm gone. Our pool on a hot day (every day, lately). My purry friends. Cooking. And of course, Mr. W (and his kick-ass pizza). On top of that, the garden has got its full game on and I've been a canning fool - 20 quarts of dill pickles and 12 pints of bread and butter pickles. We've also done 12 cans of Mr. W's Alaskan salmon and 30 cans of fresh albacore tuna. The tomatoes, corn, potatoes, and onions are all rolling in quickly now. Not to mention the blackberries, figs, apples, and squash to follow. There is no way I will get it all done and clearly I will miss the best two weeks of the harvest. Yet another burden for Mr. W.

To top it off, we did not settle our court case at mediation earlier this month which means we are headed for trial in December. This really has been a big downer and has been the contributing factor to my past few weeks of mental funk. The financial stress of IVF and humongous attorney fees are taking its toll. We're "all in", as Mr. W says. And I hope we're left with something to show for it all in the end. At least we won't starve.

Houston, We Have A Winner...

2009-08-13T09:38:00.000-07:00

Top Doc.

It just sort of worked out that way and over time, became the best choice. It wasn't the most convenient choice and it certainly wasn't the least expensive choice. But it's the choice that FELT right. So travelling 600 miles for the next IVF go round is the way it will be. My testing is complete and I've been approved to start, of course assuming I have a normal baseline. Mr. W and I even slipped out of town for a few days so he could make a cryo deposit at Top Doc's clinic. I am relieved that at least my favorite donor has a back-up now.

I'm on my third protocol this time around. The one for old hags (a.k.a. estrogen priming protocol). And as such, I have to start the estrogen following the next OPK + which means I won't be doing anything interesting until September. Top Doc's clinic is very orchestrated and everything is spelled out in detail. Including the brand of OPKs to use, which I drove all over town looking for only to find one box - probably the last box in the state. But I like this orchestration and structure. They do three times as many IVF cycles as my last clinic and they do complicated ones. So they must have something figured out. The best part of this protocol is NO STEROIDS. Can I just shout out how happy I am about this?

And so on our last quick trip to Top Doc's clinic I got to do a dry run on the routine. We stayed in the hotel I'll stay at. We walked the walk to the clinic to be sure I could do it when I'm fat and bloated. (Of course I can take a cab, but I'd rather not.) And I got to find where the nearby Zip.Cars live in case I want an outing. (I love using zip.cars as an alternative to renting a car when we travel.) I even spoke to the hotel about getting a refrigerator in the room for the meds, and requesting a room with a balcony or patio.

So it's a plan. And for now, I'm just happy to have one.

Not Cool

2009-07-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

As in freakin hot. It has been 105 degrees for what seems like an eternity. You can fry an egg on the driveway, bake cookies on the dash of your car, and get a sunburn just looking out the window. Our air conditioning broke on Sunday (repaired on Monday thankfully), and the pool is 95 degrees (obviously without the heater on).

But what's REALLY not cool is the bill I got from RE Opinionator #3 for my consult. I was told the consult was $300 which I paid up front. This is the same price as the consults I have paid for at the other 2 clinics. However, the bill shows up today for $529. I am slightly miffed. And, I have a hunch this is what would be billed to my insurance company and would be reduced based on their contracted rate (which I KNOW they have). So really....should I be expected to pay any more out of pocket than the contracted rate they have with my insurance company, although I don't speficially have those benefits? I think not. But we'll see what THEY think. (After I let Mr. W call them. Tee hee.)

Not cool. Very not cool.

Purgatory

2009-07-27T08:51:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Not intended to offend anyone older than me.

Ordinarily, my birthday is a fun day. The weather is pretty much guaranteed fabulous and one of my BFFs shares the same birthday.

Sigh.

Note the updated profile info on the sidebar.

Another sigh.

I am in birthday purgatory now. Caught between Scylla and Charybdis.

After 35, the IF world casts unfavorable glances your way. At 37, you start losing rights to discount plans, money backs, and shared risks. At 38, you move up a tier in the SA.RT data . At 39...well....you start getting the shoulder shrugs, especially after a failed cycle. You're technically still under 40 so you won't be thrown out the door. (Read the disclaimer.) You won't hear the gasps from the balcony yet. They will happily take your money to try again. Because it could still work, you know. But mentally, you are being pushed into the next column whether you like it or not. (Disclaimer.)

I have only been 39 for 36 hours. But two days ago, I was still 38. Is it possible my eggs crossed the point of no return over a weekend? Of course not. Is it possible they have arrived begrudgingly into a holding tank where their fate will be sealed by a roll of the dice? A flick of the magic wand? A click of the heels? An empty bank account? A lab's soured culture medium?

No Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore.

What Else?

2009-07-22T21:51:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days where you just have to say WTF?

For starters it was an OPK positive day. Great news overall, except my donor is fishing in Alaska. Or at least he was....until his BFF called me this morning to say he was taking Mr. W to the ER. Huh???

Apparently Mr. W had some excruciating amount of pain and decided he needed to go. I can only imagine how bad it must have been if Mr. W allowed himself to be driven to the emergency room. (Doctors are the worst patients.) Meanwhile, I'm a total train wreck but BFF calls to say they saw him right away and that Mr. W diagnosed himself (on the way to the ER) with a kidney stone. Turns out, he was right! A CT scan confirmed he had a 3mm stone in his distal ureter. They gave him some painkillers, a band-aid, and shipped him back out to finish his fishing trip. He comes home tomorrow - salmon, halibut, and a kidney stone heavy. So begins the process of getting the damn thing passed. (BIL is a urologist and wants to surgically remove it when he gets back. Uhm....no thanks...if possible. We don't need to be doing any unnecessary tampering with what jewels we've got to work with.)

As for me...I haven't really updated the GI issue, because well, I really don't have a lot of info yet. I'm still waiting for test results, followed by more results. To make matters worse, Top Doc's clinic (RE opinion #2)requires a slew of tests that my local lab managed to fucq up. So I have to go back for a redraw (as does Mr. W) and a repeat of the missed labs. Ok fine. But of course that doesn't move me to the head of the class anytime soon. And well, time's a ticking for August. Ticking right on by...

Ya know, if we could both just get our sorry asses healthy, maybe we could have a freakin kid or two.

Perspective

2009-07-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

Mr. W is on his annual fishing trip in Alaska. I'm sort of rattling around by myself (with three cats). I usually look forward to this week and typically plan a few girlfriend events, catch up on "stuff" that never seems to get done and just kick back. But work and a bunch of other crazy stuff has prevented most of that, along with the blasted 95 degree weather. After the holy crap that Mr. W and I have been through this year, I miss him terribly and find that nothing else I wanted to "do" really matters. And he has been texting me, wanting to come home already, only 2 days into the trip. All of this reminds me that there is so much more to be doing and enjoying than fretting over this IF crap 100% of the time.

I was thinking about all of this earlier today but then I logged onto Fac.ebook to see what everyone else was up to. I had no idea how hard those thoughts would be hammered home.

A guy I went to high school with has a 4-year old son with brain cancer. They have just learned after several surgeries that it's now terminal. This weekend was their Make.A.Wish event and he had posted pictures. To top it off, his wife had ovarian cancer 2 years ago and was in remission, but now it has come back. He will likely lose his son and wife in a very short time. Suddenly IF seems so minuscule.

Behind Door Number Three

2009-07-16T23:32:00.000-07:00

And so the quest for the perfect clinic continues. We had our third opinion consult on Tuesday. It was interesting and informative, I suppose. He was a realistic optimist, I would say. He thought there was some work to be done in the protocol department to improve the outcome. He also said our situations are always the worst cases that walk in the door (severe MFI with old hag in tow). Nice. At least he's honest. So what other bombs could he drop?

1. I have some follicle recruitment issues, similar to the dominance syndrome. A variation of a protocol he's been testing in monkeys looks promising. I'm serious. He "monkeys around".

2. I may be tending toward new PCOS-like symptoms. Ok, this one is new.

3. He's a big believer in TCM, but says cut the herb crap. His jury was still out on DHEA.

4. He says skipping out on the wine is ridiculous. (Ok, he is scoring serious points, but I tell him not to blow sunshine up my skirt.)

5. He says Mr. W definitely needs to get some samples cryo'd soon.

6. From the land of WTF, he says my hormone levels are so normal it's silly that this hasn't worked. But clearly, I am a poor responder. So it may likely be a statistical game of which month or cycle will work this time. Or not. Or it may be more about which month my bank account thinks it will work.

7. And from the holy shit category, he thinks there MAY be a correlation between what has been going on in my GI tract and this IF. And therefore, he would not allow us to do IVF until the remaining results and/or treatment is done for the stomach issues. Oh gawd. More on that in a later post.

8. When I told him we had a consult at another clinic and would make a decision in the next few weeks, he asked who we were considering. I said Top Doc out of state. Coincidentally, he had just referred his niece to her because she lives in that city. He spoke very highly of Top Doc and admitted we had a very difficult decision to make. And so we do.

9. Oh, and according to him, I need to kick my optimism level up a notch.

He did dispel some myths...some reservations I had about going there, which I said a few posts back that I would elaborate on. He confirmed the lab is located on site. (I thought it was elsewhere.) He offered a reasonable explanation for an error that occurred a few years ago. (You never want to see an error, but the media blamed it on the lab. He explained it differently and I felt he was very candid.) However, he did confirm that other clinics in town may also use their lab, but said that physicians were not allowed in the lab.

So we're pretty much back to square one and have actually made a little chart. It's a tough choice and everything is on the line.

Not Enough Emoticons

2009-07-11T10:25:00.000-07:00

My creativity is somewhat sapped, so I decided to summarize my past week like this:

1) Happiness: From finally wearing my wedding rings again for the first time in over 2 months.

2) Encouragement: In having dropped 12 of those IVF pounds. (See #1)

3) Control: In skipping out on 4 days of court depositions I was supposed to be in this past week.

4) Disgust: For the amount of money spent on attorney fees for above, that could have been spent on another IVF cycle.

5) Pleasure: In the freshly wood-fired pizza Mr. W made in his oven last night.

6) Relief: That the stray bullet yesterday veered into my tire and exited out the wheel, instead of through me.

7) Sadness: That I see Mr. W's parents aging quickly before my eyes and that they may never meet another grandchild.

8) Hope: That this next IVF cycle will work and that we will make the right clinic decision.

9) Bummed: That Mr. W is leaving for his annual fishing trip to Alaska soon.

10) Desperate: For this black cloud to move on its way.

Ordinary Post

2009-07-09T11:07:00.000-07:00

I was formulating ideas in my mind this morning about some things I wanted to write in my next post. And then I read dear Kate's post on her ordinary life and it stopped me in my tracks. So much so, that I have decided to post another day, or maybe another time later today.

She has clearly hit the nail on the head (as she so frequently does). And...well...that's how it really is. I've got that same recycle bin. I've seen that same ultrasound screen. I know where that parking lot it. I've been naive. Those dice are rolling around in my pocket too.

Go have a read.

Back Up Plan

2009-07-07T14:25:00.000-07:00

Next week is the consult with RE opinionator #3 - the local university. I have been awaiting a magical message from the universe to tell me what to do with respect to choosing the next clinic. Of course, the dream I had a few weeks ago suggested that RE #3 was going to be a bad choice, but I decided not to be judge and jury all at once and at least give him a chance, so next week's consult is still on.

Not knowing what will be the outcome of that event, I went ahead and scheduled a cycle for next month with RE opinion #2, at the clinic 600 miles away. Today was my preliminary coordination appointment (albeit by conference call), followed by a financial counseling appointment. I am relieved to be at least temporarily moving forward again. And, I am suspicious that this choice will end up being our final choice anyway, for reasons I shall elaborate on later.

However, this choice clearly will not be without its own set of issues. For starters, I have the travel factor. I have at least already booked my hotel room - just so I HAVE one. I have more flexibility on the flights, and can drive in a pinch, so I will wait that one out a bit.

Then there is the cycle fee. We were unsuccessful in our attempt to get insurance coverage this last renewal period. It's simply not offered in our state for small businesses like Mr. W's, so we will be 100% out of pocket for the fee and drugs again, and this clinic costs almost $3000 more per cycle than our last one. Needless to say, I'll be looking for meds if anyone has any lying around they'd like to dump. Cheap.

And then there's the explaining to everyone why I'm out of town for so damn long without Mr. W. Still working on that one...

The View From Here...

2009-07-03T18:01:00.000-07:00

...is better than the view from inside the endoscope yesterday.

If you look closely, you can see Mr. W in the middle of the picture weed whacking our path to the beach. It's a crappy picture I took with my cell phone. That's the sun shimmering off the ocean in the far ground. It has been almost two months since we have been to our beach house. Hence the need for weed whacking. The last time we were here, I was in my 2ww and had learned I had a BFM on the beta scale. M as in...maybe. Sigh. Other than this post today, I have decided to have an IF-free weekend here with friends. I'm going to relax. Enjoy the incredible weather. The local fireworks. And the idiotic things other people do at the beach on a major holiday weekend.

But I digress...to yesterday's scope. Thanks for asking, Meinsideout . It was, well, not ideal. But I guess, not horrible. I have a great GI doc. And that's saying a lot coming from me. Aside from Mr. W, I am not easily impressed with medical professionals. And perhaps, because of Mr. W, I am hard on them. I ask lots of questions. I don't like to be patronized or idiotized. I expect thorough and courteous treatment. And I'm ok with educated hunches for the inexplicable (duly disclaimed of course). I have no tolerance for pompousness and I dislike someone who has not at least "flipped" through my chart before they walk in the room. Really...is that too much to ask? I felt Dr. GI met these criteria with flying colors. And, he treated me like the educated, articulate person I am (even though Mr. W was present).

Ok, ok...so the scope. Dr. GI was genuinely concerned about doing it if I had a positive beta (because of the DIY IUI last weekend) so he had a blood draw done right then and there while we waited to begin. It was negative. Big surprise, but also too early, technically...which I told him. He said it was our call. I said based on our recent fabulous lab news the day before, I was fairly confident it was a bust. Mr. W agreed. Dr. GI said the only possible risk was the unknown effect of the sedatives administered for twilight. After some discussion, we agreed to proceed. I appreciated Dr. GI's concern and candidness. And he even let Super Doc watch the whole procedure!

I'll tell you how it went, but I want to say I am clearly not the poster child for endoscopies. If you ever have to have one, it will not likely be as miserable as mine. I was not in twilight for a good portion of it. In fact, I was awake, gagging, for most of it. After the cocktail was administered, I was given a little bite block with a hole in it to keep my mouth open for the scope, while preventing me from biting on it. And then I was out. Uhm...for a bit. I woke up (who knows when) gagging on the damn thing and feeling the hose go up and down my throat, followed by some suction action in my mouth and conversations between Dr. GI and Super Doc. And then I was out again. (Mr. W said every time I woke up they hit me again with the cocktail until apparently they decided I'd just plain had enough to sedate a cow...which I am not, but feel like I resemble sometimes.) I remember waking again and hearing the nurse talking and I remember opening my eyes a couple of times and seeing a little towel covering my face. In any case, Dr. GI told Super Doc my continual gagging was very common in people with IBS, and they don't know why, other than the body has a constant propensity to want to expel things.

So the verdict? Dr. GI took 6 biopsies - 2 of my stomach, 2 of my esophagus, and 2 of my small intestine. Those are all pending. He also used a second, ultrasound scope and scanned every organ he could. All normal. What he did find with the scope was severe gastritis in the stomach (excessive acid causing these little bumps) and jackpot...a hernia in my stomach! Did you know there was such a thing? I didn't, but now I have a little picture of one inside me. (Yeah, I got some nice photos as a GWP but I'll spare you all.) Dr. GI said the hernia is old, meaning it's been there awhile, but the recent IVF stress and weight gain have aggravated it enough to make me miserable. He didn't feel surgery was necessary and that a bit of weight loss (seriously, he said just a little...) should help, as well as some treatment for the acid. And oh, de-stressing. Uh...yeah. Of course, this is all pending the biopsy results which he expects to be normal.

So I went home somewhat relieved there wasn't something serious and that the ultrasounds were normal. Of course I have an incredibly raw, sore throat. And because I maxed out the cocktail service, I hailed whatever I tried to eat the rest of the night.

For the rest of the weekend, I shall relax and enjoy the sound of the ocean among the company of good friends. I might even have a glass of wine, if the stomach and throat will oblige. And next week, I'll resume the IF obsession and 10 more days in court, which ironically, are the result of... the view from here.

Progress Report

2009-07-01T10:34:00.001-07:00

Or lack thereof. Progress that is.

Mr. W has been on the who's who of supplements for the last 2 months straight. He's been going to Ms. TCM. He's been taking his herbs. So on Friday we decided to get an updated SA to see if there has been any change in the severe MFI.

The verdict? It's all worse. There has been a substantial decline, so much so, that I'm in utter disbelief. All of the diet watching, vegetable consumption, antioxidant fixes, alcohol avoidance, and supplements were for not. A complete waste of money, time, and that effing four letter word. Hope.

I feel guilty blogging about this. Mr. W is at work and I had to email the results to him after they were faxed over this morning. We haven't even had a chance to discuss it. I haven't even cried yet. I am just completely numb.

Since most of us internets are statistic whores, here are the numbers:

Count: 1.5 million (down 75%)
Motility: 24% (down 63%)
Morphology: 20% normal (down 41%)

Yeah, I felt your jaw drop.

So now what? I just don't know. A few months ago I asked Mr. W to have some samples cryo'd. He thought I was being rediculous and so he didn't. Now, I'm really wishing we had, but I'm thinking maybe we still should. There was one very small improvement. So small, it's almost not even measurable. His swim-ups have been zero in the past. This time it was .04. Almost zero, but not, and obviously still abnormal. (0.2 and above is normal...note the decimal place.)

The crazy thing in all of this is his last endocrinology appointment was really pretty good. (Remember he has Type 1 diabetes.) His A1C had dropped a tiny bit, his cholesterol was WAY down, and his blood pressure was perfect. We even thought the supplement regime may have had an impact, along with diet.

It's sunny and approaching 90 degrees today. We're heading to our beach house with friends this weekend. I am down 10 pounds from my IVF weight. I guess there are still a lot of other things in life that I want to do besides have children. I'm trying really hard to find a bright spot in today. Sigh....My endo.scopy is tomorrow. I can only imagine what fabulous findings we'll have with that.

Threes Come In Pairs

2009-06-28T12:37:00.000-07:00

Yep, we did it again. DIY IUI # 3. With the brand name OPKs this time. Super Doc said this was the 'best' one yet....meaning easy, highest percentage of contents transferred, and minimal discomfort. So there you have it.

Non-coincidentally I assume, I had a dream last night about my future consult with opinion #3 (scheduled for next month). If you're the superstitious type, then you'd be running to schedule the appointment with opinion #2 based on the foreshadow that occurred. In any case, I'll give #3 the benefit of the doubt and wait for the consult before I play judge and jury.

All of this seems so "last year" compared to Sprog's most outstanding news. If you're new to this planet and have not been 'graced' with Sprog's writings (pun intended), then you must run (not walk) and check out her news.

When Pagans Whisper

2009-06-23T16:29:00.000-07:00

Every now and then there are days I never want to end. I can count on one at least once a year. June 21st - the solstice. There is always magic that day. The sun sets so late...the honeysuckle is in full bloom, the lavender is intoxicating, and the air is ripe with the official onset of summer (though summer arrived in May this year). I love that day. I love not wearing shoes. I love that the first garden harvests are around the corner.

But here I am....back on this planet, where it's no big surprise that DIY IUI #2 didn't work. And it's no big secret that I've been a bit (ok maybe a lot) depressed. Tried to have a few IF-free days....days I wasn't on the internet (thanks you guys, for saying Hi anyway)....days I wasn't consumed with what my body was doing or not doing...days where I found other things to distract me. Eight graduations, 3 birthdays, 2 weddings, 1 funeral, and a partridge in a pear tree this month helped...or not, depending on how you look at it.

But in and among all of this mess, some nasty little abdominal thing crept up. I managed to fight off Super Doc and avoided the ER one night, but went through 2 full days of testing last week. Got some really nice bloodwork done. (Managed to sneak in another FSH, E2, TSH just for shits and giggles, hoping the insurance won't catch it among a slew of other tests). Everything looked good, except for my liver. Then I got an abdominal CT (clear), followed by a GI consult. So what's the verdict? Nothing yet, and it means I get a hose down my throat next week. Yep. Endoscopy. Nice. They've ruled out pancreatitis and some other stuff. It's likely a big fat stomach ulcer (gee, I wonder why), IBS (big surprise), or Celi.ac disease (very unlikely). I had my gallbladder removed 3 years ago, so that's out. So the GI doc is going to throw the scope down me and take a peek. I'm so excited I could vomit.

So Mr. GI thinks the IVF and/or its drugs may have pissed my liver off too. Interesting. I quit taking my herbs. Quit the D.HEA. And quit just about everything else, except for this little blue designer stomach pill. So I'm in a holding pattern again, just trying to get myself well. Still planning to do another cycle one of these days. Still planning to get my shit back together.

Ugh.

But in the land of interesting news....a new IF clinic has opened in my town. That makes #4. So the plot thickens, so to speak. We shall see what this new development brings.

Would you believe....

2009-06-02T17:28:00.000-07:00

...I might be an idiot? .....that the cheap-o grocery store brand of OPK is just that - cheapo? ...that just for shits and giggles I did another OPK test? ....that it was, without a doubt, a positive LH surge today??

And so I texted Super Doc to be sure and swing into the hospital and snag some more utensils for DIY IUI 2.1. His response....WTF? He witnessed the fading, almost extinct lines in successive days himself. And so, the moral of the story friends....don't buy the cheapy brands.

All 8's

2009-06-02T11:02:00.000-07:00

Meinsideout tagged me with Crazy 8s a few days ago, so I'm finallly getting around to doing it. And yes, it is nice to think about other things.

Rules: Mention the person that tagged me, complete the list of 8’s, and tag 8 bloggers.
(Disclaimer: I reserve the right to copy a few...)

8 Things I’m Looking Forward To:

1. Leaving for vacation tomorrow
2. Losing my IVF weight eventually
3. Getting – and staying – pregnant someday (I think we both copied this from Sprog)
4. More hot days to lay by the pool
5. My friend's retirement from teaching next week (yes, many of my friends are THAT old)
6. An end to this nasty legal battle hanging over our heads
7. An uptick in the economy by the end of the year
8. knocking out honey-do lists around the house

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Nursed an old herniated disk with ice packs
2. Did some accounting work for Mr. W's office (flat on my back of course)
3. Wondered where the Air Fr.ance plane went down and why
4. Emailed clients (had to pretend I was working!)
5. Listened to En.ya
6. Tried to keep cool without turning on the A/C
7. Did more research on clinics (it's like beating a dead horse...)
8. Read all of your blogs. :)

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Lose more weight
2. Get pregnant
3. Make my cats not get older (stolen from you, Meinsideout)
4. Get my someday vineyard planted and start making wine
5. Move to Italy
6. Meet some of my bloggy friends
7. Have more meaningful relationships with the friends I have
8. Play the piano (better)

8 Shows I Watch: (This is hard, don't watch much TV.)

1. Iron Ch.ef America
2. House hunters international
3. CN.BC power lunch
4. Sopranos (reruns)
5. Everyday Italian
6. Chel.sey Lately (ok, it's my one excuse for sleeze TV)
7. Discovery channel stuff
8. Nig.htly News with Brian Will.iams

8 Favorite Fruits:

1. Raspberries
2. Blackberries
3. Cantaloupe
4. Avocados (technically a fruit)
5. Tomatoes (also technically a fruit)
6. White peaches
7. Red Grapes
8. Bananas

8 Places I’d Like to Travel: (It doesn't say it has to be a new place!)

1. Italy
2. France
3. Russia
4. Dubai
5. Washington DC
6. Queen Charlotte/Prince Rupert Canada
7. Martha's Vineyard
8. New England during fall

8 Places I’ve Lived:

1. Washington
2. Oregon
3. California
4. Ohio
5. small college town
6. big cities
7. big city suburbs
8. coastal town

8 People I’m Tagging:

Barefoot and (Not) Pregnant
Best When Used By
can you imagine?
Grade A
I can't whistle
IVF 40+ Path to Parenthood
The Angry Infertile
What IF?

Buying Time

2009-06-01T16:56:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the new look. Boredom with the old look crept in, much the way I find myself getting bored playing the IF game. It doesn't help that I am horizontal nursing an old herniated disk that I managed to aggrivate for no apparent reason. So with the back on ice, and kitty #2 draped across me, I can monkey with the blog.

To keep things interesting, we pulled off another DIY'er although I think I totally blew it. I wasn't paying close enough attention to the OPK and think I missed it by a day. Which either means we missed the DIY IUI by two days, or we just snuck it in under that magical little 24 hour PO window. A window that probably doesn't even exist in my house. So I can pretty much guarantee this one was a write-off, although Super Doc is getting pretty damn good at it now!

The hard part is what to do next. We are leaving for vacation in 2 days and I'm hoping some time away will allow the best answer to present itself. We are trying to choose a new clinic. And I'm looking at the calendar. All of the likely candidates for start dates have serious obstacles in them, conveniently around potential retrieval dates. And I still haven't chosen a clinic. Damn. I have to get my act together but I feel like I don't even know where to start. I feel like time's a wastin, but I really want to drop more than 7 of the 25 pounds I gained on the last round and a half. Time (and timing) is just everything....and no matter how hard I try, I just can't buy it.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

2009-05-27T16:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have heard. Loud and clear. Not just from all of you (thank you, BTW) but from my own sorry self. Today is my first full TCM-diet-gross-drink-mix free day. And, I am feeling much better already, although I am easing back into regular consumption. Already I feel the joint aches lessening, and the headaches too. Not to mention my oatmeal stayed put after breakfast.

Oh....it was an experiment, I suppose. And Ms. TCM had good intentions. She wants me to be as healthy as I can and she was trying to kick start some weight loss I think. Truth is, on that crap, I couldn't even walk down the stairs in my house, so how the hell am I supposed to be healthier? Mr. W is more than happy to give it the proverbial middle finger. I think we shall enjoy a glass of wine, a bite of cheese, and ceremoniously bid farewell to the pukey powder tonight.

Rice and Research

2009-05-26T14:35:00.000-07:00

The TCM diet thingy stinks. I am beyond miserable and I cut out a lot of crap well before I started this, so I'm not buying the caffeine/wine/sugar withdrawals. Been there, done that months ago, thanks. Ms. TCM has me drinking this horrible nasty mix twice a day. It's some poor excuse for a rice-protein-vitamin drink. It's supposed to detoxify my liver. About the best I can do is detoxify my stomach because all I want to do is hurl it up. In any case, I am not feeling great. Horrible headaches, especially at night, and a strange bout with high blood pressure and heart palpitations a few nights ago. And I have incredible joint pain, like what I imagine arthritis to feel like. I stopped taking everything for a day and am gradually adding back the supplements I was on originally. But I think the rice powder and the diet have to go. Ugh.....

Today I called to schedule a consult for my 2nd second opinion. I guess that makes it a third opinion. Mr. W and I are trying to choose which clinic we will grace with our presence next (i.e. throw a bunch of money at). This time, the University clinic got the call. And would you believe they are 2 months out on consults? So I'm back to my investigative work again, if you see me poking around looking for your clinic scoop. (I'm holding out on CC.RM as a last resort.)

BTW, anyone catch the article in the WSJ last week about the lawsuits against bloggers for libel, slander, and copyright violations? Yeah...worth a read.

The Things People Say

2009-05-22T15:14:00.000-07:00

And they don't even know it. Standing in a group of colleagues today, I mentioned a particularly long file I've been working on - 9 months to be exact. And then uninformed colleague #1 blurts it out with a perky smile. ".....Just like a pregnancy!"..... I was speechless and then angry. Then incredibly sad and I had to walk away.

Heard a lot of those comments this past week. From people in the know...people who should know better...people who should show a little tact.

R & R in Hell

2009-05-20T15:17:00.001-07:00

As in Rants and Raves. I really should be following Sprogblogger's Days of Grace regime. But instead, I'm going to bitch. And moan. And maybe then bitch some more.

1) I have been saddled with jury today. Yes, it's my civic duty. And yes, I almost always serve. And since they can only call us once every 2 years, I can almost count to the day when I will get called. The courthouse is 30 miles from my home and on a cheery Wednesday morning, that amounts to an hour and a half commute to get there by 8am. I'm self-employed - have been for 10 + years since I gave the corporate timeclock the middle finger. So not only do I hate having to be somewhere early (and fight traffic) but I don't get shit done for work. Breathe......And so there I was in the juror room...the absolute epitome of loserville. I am horrified that any of these people would ever be considered my peers, but ok, I'll do my time. And then the judge says.....Notice all the empty seats around you? We had a hard time getting jurors so most all of you will be called today. (Duh...a major holiday weekend is near and I feel my weekend plans are about to be destroyed).......And a few of you will be randomly selected to go to the circuit court in BFE (where I live and have just driven from). And yeah, I'm one of the random ones. Shocker. Hell, everything I do is random. So, I get to pay my $15 parking bill and haul my ass back to where I came from. All at my expense. And I automatically get another day of jury service (tomorrow) as the prize.

2) Some young blonde driving a car half the size of mine flipped me off this morning and layed on the horn on the freeway on-ramp. Ok, I cut her off, partly on accident, & partly because I could. I'm sure she's done something to deserve it. She's probably fertile.

3) Ms. TCM has me/us starting a new diet thingy. (As if the lack o' wine/chocolate/caffeine is not enough friggin torture.) Anyway the diet requires a special trip to Whole Foods - not just the regular Whole Foods I visit, but the special super duper BIG one, conveniently located near the courthouse. Since I'm there anyway, I decide to at least get my groceries for said hell diet. I have to read every freaking label. No dairy. No wheat, oat, barley, rye or gluten. No corn. No tomato. No peanuts. No sugar. No tofu or soy (too much estrogen, ok I get that one). No meat (except salmon, lamb, buffalo, turkey, & chicken on certain days [WTF? ] and only organic/hormone free....I get that part too.) And then the BEST part. The bill. $333. Of fucqing groceries. For maybe a week. And then I get soaked for another $5 in parking on my way out because although Whole Foods validates, it's only for 2 hours worth of shopping. And yes. It took me 2 1/2 hours to read all the fucqing labels and spend $333.

4) I was conveniently out of Roy.al Jelly and D.HEA. Would you believe I bought the LAST bottle of each at Whole Foods? Which means there are a hell of a lot of people like me buying this shit. They stock it like milk usually. Where are all of these people? Why can't I meet them? Why aren't some of them my friends IRL?

5) My bank called. My post office box was broken into almost 2 weeks ago and I had placed fraud alerts all over creation, and changed my bank account numbers. Someone claiming to be from XYZ bank where I have a line of credit called my regular bank to inquire about a disputed charge. Fortunately, my otherwise dense personal banker has moments of clarity and thought something was suspicious. Turns out, someone is trying to manipulate my two banks into giving up a refund of some amount to them. Unbelievable. In the mean time I spent 2 hours on the phone talking to both banks, freezing my NEW bank account until we could sort it out (which also froze my debit card at Whole Foods) and generally fucqing up the rest of the day.

6) I don't even want to start with the shit family and friends have pulled lately.

Meinsideout said she can't believe this is her life. God do I feel like that every day. EB says everyone around her is going through hell. We must know the same people. And the Angry Infertile just got the shittiest family crap dumped on her. And that doesn't even count the BFNs, M/Cs and cancels my other bloggy froggies are dealing with. Why is this happening to all of us? Why are we being punished? Haven't we all PAID upside down and sideways, financially and emotionally, spiritually and physically for this scum cloud hanging over us?

Sigh. It's a nice sunny day. I'm done for now. I think I'll go read Sprog's Day of Grace to attempt to refresh thyself. Poor unfortunate soul who gets me as their juror tomorrow. Clearly, I will not be their peer.

DIY IUI #1 BFN

2009-05-19T09:40:00.000-07:00

It's not like I'm that surprised. It was an entertaining thought while it lasted, though.
(BTW, if you missed that post, read back a few days.)

Ear Seeds

2009-05-16T09:04:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm wearing them. Ms. TCM stuck them to my ears yesterday at my appointment. I have 3 on each side and they trigger acupressure points. I can push on them gently through-out the day. Gently is the operative word. Mr. W thought he'd poke them hard and I hauled off and smacked him one when he did! So yes, they hurt when over stimulated.

And yes, we are speaking again but it's tense. And he was moody again after the TCM session. I asked him how the acupuncture went. He said fine. I asked him if he fell asleep. He said no. Busted! Ms. TCM told me he was snoring in the other room. Gosh, this TCM shit must really suck for him.

Jury is Still Out

2009-05-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

I survived 8 hours of depositions by 8 different attorneys today. Mr. W only got to watch, and in fact, they decided not to depose him at all. A small (very small) weight has been lifted.

And I almost forgot to notice I am 9dpo and DIY IUI. Jury is still out. No pun intended.

Humble Pie

2009-05-12T22:29:00.000-07:00

A lot of the crap and circumstance surrounding the "why we waited so long" mystery is coming to a head. We have been involved in a massive legal battle (going on 4 years now) with trial finally scheduled for later this year. The court appearances, legal fees, attorney meetings, and general stress of the matter has been a key factor in delaying IVF until just recently. Twice last year we were assured an out of court settlement would be reached at mediation. Twice the other party cancelled our mediation only the day before. And so we have muddled along until the last few months, hopelessly trying to let a settlement to the case unburden our IF battles.

Tomorrow Mr. W and I are on the stand for 8 hours worth of depositions. (Part of the reason a May cycle was out of the question anyway.) Our attorney has some confidence that allowing us to be deposed will elicit a settlement from the other party. We are well-spoken, well-documented, and clearly (at this point) persistent. Needless to say, this added pressure spilled a little fuel on the acu-quack fire of late.

And so, Mr. W surprised me with massages for us both at a local spa this evening. It was low-key and took just enough edge off for me to possibly get through this night and the full day tomorrow. And I allowed myself a glass of wine. Oh, and a cupcake after dinner. And although we are not discussing IF issues, he is taking all of his supplements and asked (ok, emailed me) that I order him a 3 month supply of his special herbs. I think of all the IVF cycles we could do if the stress of this case and burden of attorney fees vanished and it makes me sick...and clearly it has.

But tomorrow is progress, I suppose. And today was Mr. W working harder to meet me half way. Thanks Meinsideout for pointing that out. And EB, thank you too for being the research geek that you are.

Acu-quack Time Bomb

2009-05-11T22:39:00.000-07:00

Friday was our first two-hour session with the new Chinese medical doctor. My diagnosis was kidney yang deficiency (cold uterus), spleen something, and blood qi imbalance. I have 2 new herbal mixtures to take (they smell like ass), more diet modifications, and acupuncture with acupressure. Mr. W's diagnosis was "damp". He has a custom herbal preparation that is made to order then shipped to us. This is my third acupuncturist and I will say she is heavy on the needles but offers a lot of interesting assessments and she specializes in fertility.

Mr. W survived his first acupuncture session with very little comment in the car on the way home. That should have been my first clue, but I missed it. Instead, I accused him of being uninterested and a bunch of other things. And then all hell blew out of both of us sideways.

Mr. W had made me think he was keeping an open mind all along. The reality is, he thinks it's all hocus pocus and doesn't believe a single dime of the TCM shit. He is pissed "I" am making him give up his day off to see the "acu-quack" as he calls her. Pissed I am spending the money on it and the herbs. And now pissed I am making him take all of these goddamn supplements.

And then I unload a truck load of blame on him. He doesn't care if we have a child or not. I can't even get him to take better care of himself. He's not willing to give anything up to try to make this work. He's oblivious to the fact that we're out of time and options. In fact, he's even planning a vacation during what would be our next planned cycle in August.

His version is that I am consumed with this process. That I can't function normally every day. That I'm depressed. That I'm withholding emotion and affection from him. That I'm reading too many things on the internet. And he's afraid I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if this doesn't work (again) and do I really think the snake oil shit will work? OK, I DON'T FREAKING KNOW....BUT I'M OUT OF OPTIONS. And if he's not interested in proceeding then put me out of misery now and say he's done.

This is the part where I think our fundamental item of disagreement rears its head. I have decided that we will not have any better IVF chances if we don't change something or try something new. Hence the TCM and 3 month wait for improvement. He believes that statistically speaking our odds are better if we barrelled through back to back IVF cycles until something takes. Western medicine at its finest. For starters, my body can't take that. And, our bank account can't continue to take a $15,000 hit every month on top of everything else, for what could be his eternity of statistical hell.

I am so mad I haven't spoken to him for 2 days.

Seriously, Do Not Try This At Home

2009-05-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

Sit down and grab a beverage for this one...

My dear Mr. W attended all of my major past IUI and IVF appointments. He was very supportive, and apparently very attentive. So the last couple of weeks we've been doing this diet thingy and supplement zoo and oh... I've been watching the OP kits just to be sure my body is behaving itself. So yesterday morning I get the double line. Obviously, in our case, that gives us about the same odds of winning the lottery or being struck by lightening. But Super Doc has an idea...I kid you not. And so he comes home from work last night with all of the tools (seriously) for a do-it-yourself IUI.

And you're reading this now wondering if I'm a complete nut cluster and can I be totally serious. And the truth is, I am beyond serious. Now I don't want to go into extreme details. Mr. W panicked a bit when I said I was going to blog all day about this. I assured him his identity is completely protected, should the wrong reader try to pull some sort of malpractice shit on him. But I DO want to share some of the juicier stuff. And really.....please do not try this at home.

Let me just clarify that Super Doc's specialty is far from RE. And, in fact, he told me up front it had been years since he did anything that resembled pelvic work. (Uh yeah...I think I knew that.) And let me also say that the last time he used a speculum on me as the victim, he was in medical school and was "studying" during his OB/GYN rotation. I will tell you (but not him) that he was much better at it in medical school.

In any case, armed with the necessary catheters, beta dyne (which stains horribly by the way), a super special sample, and his bicycle headlamp mounted squarely on his head, he seriously and successfully did an IUI for us at home! It did take a little while longer....and he had to be a bit creative, but I will say our DIY IUI only lacked 2 things......the clomid I was on during the previous ones, and whatever the special sample wash is, which Super Doc modified. Oh, and it lacked the fees, the obnoxiously stressful trip to the RE, and all the other shit.

I was amazingly relaxed. In fact, I got the giggles and had to watch the Lak.er/Roc.kets basketball game to distract myself. I realize the odds of this working are next to zero. But honestly, I am thrilled we tried, even though I really thought Super Doc WAS the nut cluster. The best part was I got to go right to sleep afterward. No stress there.

12 Steps

2009-05-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

I am such an addict. I am addicted to chocolate, mozzarella di buffala, pasta & prosciutto. (God I love being married to an Italian.) I am also addicted to red velvet cupcakes and red wine. Eliminating one thing from my diet is do-able. Eliminating 5 or 6 really sucks. Eliminating 10 or 15 is fucqing miserable.

So here I am, 2 weeks into this new gig, and I'm gettin a little pissy. I should be feeling better by now and have reduced cravings, but I actually think I am at the peak of misery. I have not gone vegan, but I have gone "mostly" vegetarian. Mostly meaning I'm eating lots of fish, and very rarely a very small, very organic, piece of meat. I've been slurping down the Roya.l Jelly twice daily. It's a habit I've noticed rivals a daily Sta.rbucks mocha in terms of expense. (A habit I cut out 6 years ago.) And then there's the D.HEA. I'm up to 62 mg a day now. Seeing some mild acne and a big ass clump of hair in the shower yesterday. But so far no beards and I don't have the urge to fart and belch in front of the TV. I'm about to add Co.Q10 and the fish oil poppers after I venture to the store later.

Mr. W, bless his heart, is taking 100mg of Pyc.nogenol, and 2 grams of L-Arg.inine. (And generally, he doesn't belch or fart in front of the TV, so I have to be careful in qualifying male traits.) But trying to keep him out of the wine is driving me nuts.

Yesterday was the ultimate challenge for both of us. I have been avoiding our wine cellar, like the plague. In fact, I have avoided that whole part of the house for sometime. However, we have out of town company visiting later this week and boxes of wine shipments have accumulated outside the cellar. (I'm finally stopping some of our auto ships.) I couldn't avoid it anymore. I had to put the shit away because it was IN the way. The cellar holds 4000 bottles. (I said I was an addict. OK, maybe obsessive compulsive too.) Mr. W offered to help (because he didn't want me lifting anything heavy) but secretly I knew he thought he could talk me into opening a bottle. I know, I sound like such a whiner. And I'm spending this whole post talking about it, but it is the like the ultimate struggle....er maybe the second ultimate struggle. So, despite the available glasses and wine keys everywhere I looked, I resisted. I reminded Mr. W that with company in town soon, it's likely we would each have a glass of wine at some point, and to put back the bottle he had selected to pair with his dinner menu for the night.

Seriously, I'm in recovery. It bites.

East Meets West

2009-04-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

I realize sometimes I am too consumed with what other people think. I am working on getting over that. I am speaking my mind a little more these days,(something I did more frequently years ago). I don't know what any of this has to do with my new approach to IF, but there is some relevance somewhere.

I have fight or flight syndrome too. In a big way, and in lots of circumstances. I'm learning that this contributes to extreme hormonal imbalances and puts the body in constant stress mode. Duh..... yeah, that's me. I'm working on getting that response under control. And wow, do I have it more than I realized. Super Doc thinks it's cranked up anxiety. Whatever it is it's making me sick, literally...as in unhealthy. I guess I'm circling back to my relevance here to being too consumed with what others think and the fact that I'm not going to let others toxify my life anymore.

And so, I have begun a bit of a lifestyle change, and I'm trying to be gradual in my approach. I am seeing a new TCM practitioner and I'm taking this beyond acupuncture. Last week I began D.HEA. I started at 25 mg doses for a few days and am now on 50 mg doses, headed for 75mg, where I'll stay, pending no side effects. So far I am good. I also started Royal.Jelly at the advice of my new practitioner. That's interesting stuff. They warn the taste is unpleasant and how to dilute it properly to make it go down better. I actually like it and don't dilute it. I'm taking 1/4 teaspoon twice daily. There is some weird visualization thing that happens when I take it and I think that's why I don't mind the taste. It's almost a semi-refreshing experience and I do feel like a queen bee. Or maybe I feel like Royalty. At $20 an ounce, I should feel like freaking Cleo.patra.

My new practitioner is the hottest ticket in town. The soonest I could get in (beyond my initial consult) was the end of next week. The best part is, Super Doc is on the plan too. So we will be getting co-treatments! For his part, he has started Pyc.nogenol. This comes in 25mg and the recommended dose is 200mg, so that's a work in progress to get there. I am proud of him. He has always had an open mind, although he's tended to scoff a bit at my yoga. Regardless, he has agreed to TCM and admits that Western medicine has failed us thus far. Or perhaps it is we who have failed. And, I'm taking a valuable piece of advice from Meinsideout. (I don't think she realized she was giving advice.) I have to work harder to meet him half way through this mess. I have to be responsible for letting myself out of the darkness. No one else will do it for me.

The hardest part now is the waiting......again. We have agreed, and on the advice of Ms. TCM, to wait at least 90 days before trying IVF again. Big sigh. But I am ok with it. I know...it feels desperately like the clock is ticking, like we can't wait (as RE bluntly told us last fall). And when we do attempt again, I will have passed birthday #39 and decreased our chances of success even further. These are hard pills to swallow. But I think it is the right thing to do and I feel like another immediate cycle of IVF would have been out of desperation, not to mention financially imprudent. And, with any luck, EB and I will high-five with BFPs in August.

Change

2009-04-21T17:20:00.000-07:00

Change is in the air.....as a matter of fact, it really is in the air. It's 80 degrees today and oh so beautiful. (Sorry to all of you in the crappy weather belts.) As much as I love the sun, I'm still draggin. It's been a challenge to get past the emotional hurdles, once the physical ones have passed. Mr. W fired up his pizza oven last night (see Bun in His Oven post) and cooked up some killer pizza, so at least he got his bun in the oven. Nice.

RE ordered me into the lab today for an hcg - to confirm all was done and gone. Duh.....but ok I played along. Yep, it's a zero, nada, zilch. And herein lies my next movement for change. Could you pass me that records release form? Haven't decided where these records are going yet, but for now they're going with me. I'm contemplating the local University (ranked #3 nationally) or the Rocky Mountain Kingdom (aka CCRM), or Top Doc's clinic I visited previously, or another gig in a nearby bigger city. Having options is a good thing. And it sure beats stock options these days.

I'm also hitting the TCM circuit. Super Doc actually likes the idea and thinks he's going to check it out for himself. He's agreed to start acupuncture and the whole bit. In the mean time, I'm staring at a bottle of D.HEA, COQ.10 and some other nifty things I've been reading about. I also read about Pyc.nogenol for severe MFI. Any thoughts on this from the gallery?

And, on the subject of change, Mr W's health insurance is up for renewal soon. Since he has the lucky ability to choose the plan for the company, we're searching for one that covers IF. Unfortunately so far we've only got one option and it only covers 50%. But, 50% of $15,000 is better than a kick in the ass....or a stab with a $500 needle.

I'm seriously thinking about quitting my job. I like my job....or I like the tax write-offs it affords, because I sure as hell ain't raking in the bucks these days. I like having my own schedule and for the most part, my clients are really great. I tried "cutting back" a few years ago when we tackled this IF project before but I wasn't successful. Clients would call and beg and I would get suckered in and work more. Now, I'm at a crossroads. The economy would easily let me drift away...perhaps more quietly, but then I'd feel like I'm admitting defeat for other reasons. And, somewhere I have an ego that rears its head and wants itself flattered. And it's a greedy little ego bastard that wants to keep it's paycheck. Oh, change is definitely in the air. I'm tellin ya.

Don't Try This At Home

2009-04-18T19:42:00.001-07:00

I didn't realize how incapacitated I would be after the show was over. Some things they just neglect to warn first-timers like me about. After reading EB's assessment at IVF 40+ I at least know what I've got is fairly normal, even if it is miserable. Luckily I had some left over narcotics just floating around, or I absolutely could not make it through the intense pain and emotional wretchedness. Thankfully, it is a weekend and I can ditch most everyone. Unthankfully, my parents were staying with us and making happy face through Vica.din, Flex.oril, and inside tears sucked. It's almost over, I think. It's unfortunate they don't give you the D&C option at this stage.

It's Official

2009-04-13T16:02:00.000-07:00

First of all...thank you, thank you. The many kind comments have given me a lot of comfort. I feel like I know some of you better than I know my closest friends. Second, RE phoned this afternoon to tell me to stop the drugs and let nature take its proverbial course. I knew it was bad news when I heard his voice on the phone instead of his nurse's. I'm sad and angry. And yeah, devastated, even though I knew this was a big possibility. Mr. W has not taken the news well. Despite his professional training in the ability to compartmentalize emotion and logic, he seems truly blown away. I really believe that he was convinced in his heart this would not end this way.

And so, I will step away from blogging for awhile to regroup. However, I will pop in and check up on all of you and especially wish Barefoot, EB, & MeKate much success.

BF.....M

2009-04-10T15:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I said the positive attitude crap was BS because either I am or I ain't. Apparently there is this thing in the middle of black and white called gray. Also known as a big fat maybe. This WHOLE entire process I have fallen into whatever the smallest percentage category of whatever the statistic is that's being measured. Only 10% need a laminaria. (Hi, that's me.) Only a possibility of getting 3 eggs retrieved. (Uh-um...I got 6 thank you very much.) Very likely chance I will not have anything to transfer, maybe 10%. (That's ok, I'll take it. In fact, I'll take 2! Does that mean I moved up to the 20% tier?) Having something to freeze was never even up for discussion. (Ok, I give there.)

And so, on beta day I have a whopping 8.36 Hcg. Technically positive by my clinic's standards (below 2 is negative), but more likely in the realm of a chemical pregnancy. I thought I'd be way more hysterical. I mean yeah, I'm WAY disappointed. But the weirdness of it all is I still have those little pangs and twinges and crampy things which means I've either got a fighter, or I'm having kittens. (Laugh with me please...) Surprisingly, the poker faces at my clinic showed genuine signs of optimism....something I tried unsuccessfully to rip a hole in. The other side of this f-d up coin is that I have proven several things. I have eggs that can be fertilized and go to blast. Mr. W's still got some mojo. And it's possible for something to hang on inside even if it's not forever. Lots of things learned. And to EB at IVF 40+, I really do feel your pain.

Anxietyville

2009-04-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

I am back to my waiting sucks routine. And, because I am so convinced of a BFN, I have made a list of the top 10 things to enjoy after I find out. Now I know why E @ IVF 40+ slammed down that coffee the morning of. And, I don't think I can sleep tonight. And the positive attitude crap is a bunch of BS. Either I am or I ain't and that's that.

Here's my list.

1. Sushi.
2. A nice med-rare fillet mignon from Mor.ton's.
3. The hugest glass of red wine ever. Maybe the whole freakin bottle.
4. A bath.
5. A hot tub soak.
6. Getting my hair hi-lighted.
7. 2 kitties parked on my stomach at night.
8. Wearing my wedding rings. (Ok, they started to fit this week.)
9. Not feeling like I want to hail all day.
10. Getting a real night's sleep.

PIO Hell

2009-04-09T08:53:00.000-07:00

After two very productive work days I assumed I would take yesterday to catch up on things around the house, maybe pay a few bills, and clean up for the kitchen photo shoot today. NOT!

I woke up yesterday at 5:30am unable to go back to sleep, so Mr. W took me out for breakfast. I came home and had a leisurely read of the WSJ and figured I'd get started on the tasks. And then it hit me. An overwhelming feeling of exhaustion, nauseousness, and cramps. I decided to lie down for a just a few minutes but ended up sleeping through lunch and woke up three hours later. My cell phone had been ringing, Mr. W was texting me, wondering why I no-showed for our lunch date and what was wrong. I drug myself out of bed only to find all the rooms spinning. Clearly I was not going to get shit done. And so I went back to bed and stayed there the rest of the day and night, popping the only allowable poor excuse for a pain reliever. Super Doc is convinced I am double knocked up. Me, not so much. I think I am just in PIO hell.

I did manage to move the photo shoot to next week, so this morning I am at least feeling a bit less pressure. There is a clam tide at the coast this weekend, so Mr. W has bravely decided to load both me and his BFF with the new knee joint up for a trip to our beach house tomorrow. It's not like I or BFF can dig any damn clams in our current conditions, but what the heck. And yes, tomorrow is Beta day for me, so I get to drag both Mr. W and his BFF with me for the poke stop on the way out of town. Sadly, I just recently disconnected our internet service at the beach, so I may be out of touch unless I can drag myself to the store today and pick up an air card for the laptop.

Barefoot betas today, so I must stay in contact!

I Would Like to Thank the Academy and....

2009-04-08T15:13:00.000-07:00

I am humbled to be nominated for my first ever blogger award....maybe the first award of any kind....ever! Barefoot and Flower both nominated me and I thank them both immensely for their kind comments on my blog, not to mention the peace (and laughs) that reading their blogs gives me.

Here are the rules:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
4. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
5. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award

And so, it's my turn to bestow the award on the following bloggers with my gratitude and warm wishes:

IVF 40+ Path to Parenthood

I've Got Bad Plumbing

In Vitro Veritas Blog (yes our blogs share the same cool name)

What IF

In Vitro Veritas (another very cool name)

Where's My Miracle?

Grade A

I Can't Whistle

And wow...I've even figured out how to do all this on my blog! Cool.

Much Ado About Nothing

2009-04-07T18:12:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to report. I have resisted temptation to POAS, despite some of the blogging world's urgings (and Mr. W's). But I'm convinced nothing is going on inside of me, other than a few PIO side effect remnants. I haven managed to occupy myself with enough work the last 2 days to semi-ignore the nauseousness. Although I'm still a bit dizzy, especially when driving. Nice.

Today I had a long chat with an acquaintance/shirt-tail friend who went through IVF successfully at almost 41 last year. Amazingly, she had a whopping 12 embies when it was all over and ended up with 9 (yah 9!) frosties. Mr. W had posed an interesting question to me this morning and asked me to relay it to my friend T. He wanted to know if she would consider letting us adopt some of her frosties if this doesn't work out for us. I'm fairly certain we've both decided against DE and DS so this presented an interesting scenario. Ironically, T and her DH mimic the ethnic backgrounds of Mr. W and I exactly. She is mixed Northern European and her DH is 100% off the boat Italian.

So when I carefully and rather lengthily presented the scenario to T on the phone she blurted out yes before I could even finish. I was stunned...and then she dropped the bomb. She had just signed the release papers and donated her frosties to stem cell research. I was too late. Sigh....it was a thought, and one with ramifications, no doubt. But I was intrigued by it. In any case we had a pleasant and very supportive conversation and she of course told me to go POAS and then not even take that so seriously. She also visited a clinic different from mine and gave me some great insight into getting what would be our third opinion.

I am SOOO not trying to be negative because I know nothing yet. But dammit, I am such a freakin planner and I'm always looking at the angles....I can't turn it off. And clearly it's what's gotten me in this mess in the first place.

Hmmmpf.

2009-04-04T11:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt like blogging. Not sure why...except I'm sure my body is in a mass state of confusion. And propping my laptop up in the air on bed rest got old really fast.

I am 3dp5dt. Other than RE's "third time's a charm" speculum experiment, and oh, we forgot to give you the Valium ahead of time, and could you just pee out one cup and then stop?....my transfer was uneventful. Even the pre and post acupuncture was "oh hum". I had 2 embryos make it to blast and both were transferred. All bets are off. As is customary at my clinic, everyone had a poker face. The embryologists would not grade my embryos (or at least tell me what it was), and the RE didn't have a lot to say, except they looked "good" ,"be positive," and "the transfer was a piece of cake." For who? I did manage to get a photo of the embryos (had to ask 3 times) and so I've been comparing them online to everything else. Yeah....they're embryos, and I could tell they were at early blast stage, but that's about it. Super Doc (who's had a whopping 2 embryology classes 15 years ago) thinks they look great! I think he would say regurgitated peanuts looked great right now if I showed him a picture of it.

Anyway, my point was that the continued total lack of information or "secrecy" has me miffed. It's been that way from the very beginning....they wouldn't even tell me what e2 levels they were looking for during my stim days. I had to look it up on the internet. Does it change things if I know or not? No, it doesn't. But I have a RIGHT to know any and all matters of my medical health. Needless to say, we are done with this clinic, regardless of outcome.

Whew...now that I got that off of me....I generally feel pretty crummy. Did I mention grumpy? I was crampy the first 2 days and exhausted, now I'm nauseous & dizzy most afternoons. It's anybody's guess....all are signs of a BFP and side effects of the PIO. The up side is now that the Medrol is done, I'm finally sleeping better. Yay. And, I've lost 10 pounds since retrieval day. Another yay, except it's not like anyone would notice. The down side is I have booked myself some client appointments this week to pass the time for the 2ww, which means I have to concentrate, or at least try to get on with my life. And, my kitchen is being photographed for an advertisement on Thursday which means I have to clean the f-ing house. At my rate, it's going to take me the next 4 days to get it done.

Randomness....and waiting sucks

2009-03-31T08:36:00.001-07:00

It seems I semi-overdid it after feeling much better Saturday, one day post retrieval. I was off the Vicodin, feeling hungry, and had a small burst of energy. So I had a nice meal, did some light house work, made home-made cheese and a few other things. Wrong answer. I found myself back in bed Sunday with cramps, nauseousness, and severe constipation. So I spent a portion of Monday in bed too. And not to screw it up any further, I'm lying low today as well. Very low, as in flat.

I am not a TV fan. I lack the concentration now to read anything substantive. I have very little energy to do anything. So that leaves cat naps (cats included) and being a bore with another blog post. Today is mostly about my observations. A summary of stuff....and a way to pass the time.

1. Waiting sucks. I have not heard from the lab since Saturday. They did say they wouldn't call again until transfer day. OK, but I hope they would call if all was not well. On the other hand...there isn't a lot I could do about it anyway. I'm operating under the "no news is good news" plan.

2. The heating pad is my friend. So are stretchy clothes.

3. Despite being swollen from whomever sat on my stomach during the retrieval, I have lost 6 pounds since retrieval day. I like this.

4. Things I'm NOT eating: dairy, meat, citrus fruit, sugary food, anything cold.

5. Things I AM eating: chicken stock, pasta, egg whites, apples, applesauce, bread sticks, tea, mashed potatoes, lettuce (go figure).

6. Waiting sucks.

7. The PIO shots aren't horrible. They sting a bit a few minutes afterward and my rump is sore. Not big deals in the scope of things.

8. The prednisone is giving me grief. Super Doc hates this drug and has been bothered by the fact that I am taking it. I only have 2 more days of it though and the effects are not cumulative. Thankfully, I have not gone psychotic on it.

9. I am up peeing all night, so I'm not sleeping well. (See number 8). So I'm exhausted during the day.

10. I have the luxury of showing up to my office in my pajamas and going back to bed when I'm tired. I salute everyone who has to get dressed and make like a happy face at work.

11. Mr. W is able (and willing) to do absolutely everything around the house and build a pizza oven at the same time. I feel mostly worthless. Yesterday he asked me what I thought all 4 of our kids were doing. I realize he is absolutely smitten with the thought, and this fuels his fire.

12. Mr. W's parents have just returned from 3 months out of the country. He decides to tell his mother what's going on, at the risk she will not approve or understand the process. Nearing 80, Mr. W's parents have the Old Country values and religious convictions. Surprisingly, she is supportive and optimistic. I remind Mr. W it's only a matter of days now before relatives from near-by states and the old world start hounding us. It will be in the newspaper, tomorrow, I'm sure.

13. Did I mention waiting sucks?

14. I will never forget the first thing my RE said to me at our initial consult. "Stay off the internet." WTF? Are you kidding me? I have done a lot of research. I have some new ideas if this doesn't work.

15. Mr. W's BFF had a complete knee replacement 2 weeks ago. He has been laid up in bed and on pain killers ever since. He has been very supportive through this mess and sends me encouraging text messages every day. Some are funny. Some are laced with Oxycontin. Some are about his own constipation. It's good comic relief. And he's planning a recovery party for us all.

16. Reading the blogs of others, and reading the comments others have left me is inspiring. As many of you have said, it reminds us there is still good in the human race. Complete strangers have created powerful connections that transcend race, religion, politics, and socio-economics. Why then is our world always at war?

17. Mr. W and I were raised in homes where discussion of sex & bodily health (not to mention politics, religion, and money) were taboo. This is fundamentally wrong. Mr. W should not have had to go to medical school to learn what a varicocele was and that it could contribute to MFI. We should not have felt so ashamed to ask for help earlier on. We too, were guilty of the royal sweep under the carpet.

18. April 1st is my transfer day. No fooling.

19. For the past 10 years, Mr. W had not taken a sick day from work. In the past 5 months he's cancelled multiple days to be with me at the appointments. I offered to get a ride tomorrow for the transfer but Super Doc cancelled half a day's patients. He wants to at least be in the same room when I get knocked up.

20. Waiting sucks. And I'm sure the 2ww will be worse.

Fert Report

2009-03-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

Yay! I have 4 fertilized with ICSI and am on deck for a day 5 transfer for Wednesday. The embryologist says they would typically expect 2 to make it to blast. Typical has clearly not been my M.O. but I am happy to go with that. My regular acupuncturist has recommended someone special for a pre and post transfer session so I've got her all lined up. Fortunately my clinic is proactive in allowing the acupuncturist to complete the treatments in the room with me. Gotta like the easy button!

Retrieve Me Then Revive Me

2009-03-28T05:21:00.001-07:00

Well, hats off to all of you who have blogged the afternoon of your retrieval. You all are animals! I, on the other hand, am a complete wimp. But alas, I found myself unable to sleep (and finally able to manage the stairs) at 3 am this Saturday morning. So here I am.

My retrieval was a little eventful, probably more eventful than I'll even ever know. Mr. W and I bailed out of the house at 6:30am yesterday. I saw Mr. W had some reading material in tow, so I think perhaps he's bringing a little special treat for himself on production day. Turns out, it's the latest issue of Forbes. (OK.....everyone is different.)

Despite the fact that 4 retrievals are planned for my morning (I am second in line), I get a nice toasty private suite with a view and a cool convertible bed. The OR is conveniently adjacent to my room. IVF nurse comes in to start my IV....or try anyway....twice (both misses). She has my hands heat packed and spends a few minutes flicking the veins. She finally gets one in but it won't drip. Super Doc is standing there patiently not even saying a word. His eyes just tell me he is incredibly sorry. IVF nurse gives up and gets the anesthesiologist who says those attempts clearly will not work. She takes a look and Super Doc points to the protruding vein on top of my wrist. ....I can get that one, she says. ....I'm just going to go right for it, no messing around, no local...... And she does and it's all good. I'm whisked away to the OR and I'm out the minute we hit the door.

Twenty minutes later, I hear an announcement that they're done, followed by... Six, we got six..... Six? Six is more than three? Yay, six! It occurred to me that I had been dreaming I was harvesting grapes, while under. Hmmm, more symbolism. But not time to analyze that, oh shit, OW! OW? Holy crap. Mr. W and the IVF nurse quickly appear in my recovery room. ......You are in pain I can tell....she says.....I'm giving you a shot of Fetanyl...... Nice. She comes back a few minutes later, I'm giving you another bump on the painkiller and sending you home with Vicodin. The OR nurse is there explaining they had to "mash" on my abdomen quite aggressively to move the ovaries (apparently because they were holding hands against my back) in order to get them to move into position. I will likely be in more pain than normal. But I got six!! I point out to the nurse that RE's partner (doing my retrieval because RE is on vacation) was such the face of doom and gloom at my last u/s. She smiles and politely says....All of the RE's have very different personalities......

Super Doc grabs my chart and takes a glance then asks the nurse while pointing at the chart what was up? He has the slightest almost undetectable calm concern on his face. Apparently I had an 80/50 blood pressure while under with no explanation. OK, so six is great news, and I'm still here too!

The nurse insists I get up to use the restroom before I can leave which turns out to be a good idea. Walking back from the bathroom they notice I am pale, cold-sweating profusely, and am unable to stand. WTF? The nurses determine my blood sugar is extremely low and cram a Sprite down me. (I detest that stuff.) I can't believe after 20 years of insulin reactions with Mr. W that I can sniff out from a mile away, I have missed this sign in myself! Worse yet, Super Doc has missed it too! At this point, I am nauseous, exhausted, and just want to go home. They finally load me up in a wheel chair and whisk me out the back door. Yeah, if anyone else saw me, they'd likely not go through with this gig.

I spent the entire rest of the day in bed, mostly asleep and on Vicodin. I am swollen from the abdominal compressions and I feel like the Eurostar has derailed in my Chunnel. I will not have a lab report until sometime later today.

All....or Nothing

2009-03-25T16:18:00.001-07:00

I'm cutting to the chase, my news is not good. Somehow, I am down to only 3 contending follicles. I don't know where the other ones went, or what happened. The ones I have are huge (27 and 26, and I stopped listening after he said I only have 3.) My E2 is 1430, so all other things look good. RE's partner has done the u/s today and said my chances of success hover around 10%. They normally cancel cycles where fewer than 4 viable follicles are present, but said it was our call. He said converting to an IUI would be another option. Hardly! After all of this, and the thinking that this was a MFI issue, he officially labeled me as having poor ovarian reserve, despite my normal FSH levels, and all other normal hormones. I am completely blown away and numb. The nurse asks me "if I have any thoughts". It's not like I have a lot of options here......I say. What's the question.....? Do you want to proceed.....she asks? Do most people quit at this point? She tells me if money is no object then we should try....it only takes one. Duh! A really f***ing good one! She said to take the HcG tonight for a Friday 7:30am retrieval. I said F.I.N.E. ......I'm all in. Let's pull the trigger.

Wake Me Up When It's Over

2009-03-23T15:27:00.000-07:00

A total stranger has just asked me if I'm feeling all right. Nice....thought I was doing a better job of compensating. She thinks I look pale and exhausted. .....Ha....that's nothing ....wanna see my ovaries?.....I am thinking to myself, but instead I smile and say I'm not the best. She feels bad and apologizes for saying so. Maybe I looked like I was going to pass out and she thought she would catch me? Right.

This morning NP #2 waved the magic wand around and found some of what NP#1 missed two days ago. There are still eleven follies in the picture with possibly some smaller ones hiding, however I'm looking at only 6 over 10mm . Clearly I will not be a candidate for OHSS - the silver lining in this cloud. No med changes, 3 stim days to go, an E2 of 805, and a partridge in a pear tree.

I am waiting in my car for a meeting with some clients and have conveniently pirated someone's nearby unsecured wireless network. Multi-tasking now (and getting this blog done) will allow me to focus on all I really care about when this freaking day is over.... slipping into a pair of sweats and joining my kitties for a cat nap!

A Bun in HIS oven

2009-03-22T12:34:00.000-07:00

RE is on vacation this week, so the NP is wielding the magic wand at my second check yesterday. NP is nice but lacks the authority with the wand and struggles to find what we're all looking for. Super Doc is watching patiently and biting his tongue. I can tell he wants to jerk the wand out of her hand and do it himself. After cramming the probe up through my throat she sees 4 and 4 on each side (from 14.5 to 7, with 4 over 10) and a few more bringing up the rear. Super Doc is certain she missed a big follie right off the bat. So it's anybody's guess as to what I've got now, except things are still moving forward and my e2 is 541. Today I start the Ganirelix shots (remember I am sans Lupron and BCPS due to a total body shutdown on IVF#1). Tomorrow NP will poke around a little more and I'm still T -3 days and counting until trigger. RE will not be present for the planned retrieval Friday, so this could get really interesting.

Meanwhile I'm recently slammed at work and am trying to navigate my week, clients & friends who know nothing, and Mr. W who has grandiose ideas about all of the things we need to do before Friday (and next weekend if I'm "up for it."). Stress shuts me down, so I prefer to nap it off. Stress has the opposite affect on Mr. W so he decides to start building a pizza oven in our backyard. (I think there is some weird female-envy induced symbolism here....or not.) In any case, Mr. W has made serious progress on the oven and has even documented construction with the video camera. I soon realize the oven project has impeccable timing for Mr. W, who will be banished to the caves of celibacy for the remainder of the week and now has an acceptable diversion!